I paused, hesitating slightly. The metal barrier was scorching against my sweaty hands. The rush of cars speeding past seemed to have no notice of me, a seventeen-year-old girl about to jump to her death. But why would they? Everyone is so self-absorbed in their own lives that no one actually cares or notices the ghosts, the shells of humans wandering around, waiting to die.
I am a ghost with a name, Charlie.
I snapped back to reality. I leaned over the railing, very slightly at first until I was on my stomach with my feet dangling above a ferocious, savage sea. I pivoted again, returning to the safe side of the fence. I backed away slowly. I checked in on myself. Did I really want to do this? Did I really want to die? Every part of me screamed yes, like a child who wants ice cream. I started to sprint full speed. Without a blink of my eye or a glance back, I hurtled over the edge of the Golden Gate Bridge, feet first.
I felt like I was going in slow motion. I felt light headed and elegant. Suddenly, a violent wave crashed over me, tough as a bull. But it wasn't water that hammered me like a bent nail, it was regret. I was a boulder falling off the cliff. I don't want to die!
The water was ice. It filled my eyes, ears, and mouth. I was sinking, sinking. The sheer force of my impact had crushed every bone in me. My long hair swirled around me like tentacles of an octopus. I thrashed wildly, but it was of no use. I could barely see the light. My lungs ached with a pain I had never felt before. I stopped struggling, ready to accept my fate.
It all stopped. And started again.
I was cold, so cold. I hit something hard, rough. The seafloor? No, that's impossible. I was rolled over. There was pressure on my chest. I started to cough. It all hurt, burning, burning. Water spurted out of my mouth. The pressure was relieved. I heard an indistinct muttering behind me.
"Hope she survives."
"We pull out so many dead."
"Good luck girl..."
It all went black.
Bright lights flooded my eyes as I opened them slightly. I flinched but, determinedly opened them wider. A low consistent beeping is all my ears could hear, as it felt like they were stuffed with cotton. My ribs ached. I tried to roll over, but sheets restrained me back. Panic squirmed its way into my brain. I started to writhe desperately. I began to wail with intense anguish. I was going die, I knew it, I knew it! The beeping became deafening and more rapid. My ears pounded. I felt like a sharp jab into my neck and it was dark again.
The blackness started to fade, however, I kept my eyes closed for a little longer so I could be alone with my thoughts. I was alive, just like I wanted. Then why didn't I feel, right? It all felt wrong. The regret was still was there but it feeble. Finally opening my eyes, I saw a kind face peering at me. I yelped in surprise.
"Are you ok?" I heard my brother's voice, but it sounded distant.
"Alexander..." My voice was cracked, parched.
Alex ignores me. "Are you sure you're ok? How could you do this?"
"I thought nobody loved me."
"I love you."
"I know that now." I answer quietly.
I heard footsteps and watched warily as a man in a lab coat walked up. The rest happened in a blur. There was lots of talking, sometimes in hushed voices glancing my way. After about an hour, I was given the paperwork to be discharged from the hospital.
That's when I finally heard the story. The coast guard had found me unconscious sinking under the bridge's brilliant red spires. He dove in and rescued me seconds from death. I had fallen for four seconds at 75 miles an hour, 25 stories. I was a miracle. Since 1937, 2,000 people have jumped off the Golden gate bridge, I was the 20th survivor.
Life is tough, but I will never take it for granted. I want to live, even though I still have all the same problems as I did before, I will not sacrifice my life. I know how to cope with it and deal with it. I feel lucky to be alive every single day. Life is a chance that you cannot blow off, you've got to work for it.
"No matter the pain I'm in or the struggles I experience, I still believe life is the greatest gift." Kevin Hines, suicide attempt survivor and producer of Suicide: The Ripple Effect
