Something unexplainable

     The sun reflected off the water, the light both warming my skin and blinding me a little as my face gently broke the surface as if it were glass, crystal clear. I slowly took another steady breath of air through my nose, as I was not short of breath. I loosely hung on to the edge of the pool, my lungs slowly filled with air and I breathed out through my mouth....getting lost in though as I let go of the pools side and drifted for awhile. Thinking about how I would explain a feeling to someone who's never felt it before.

     Drowning; something I've dreamed of, something I've felt. The feeling of drowning is much like the swelling feeling of panic. My face broke the already wavy surface, gasping for air I took in mouthfuls of water a choking feeling I couldn't breathe, breathing in was almost impossible. Another small wave splashed directly onto my face; water going up my nose quite painfully.

    Coughing, I sharply inhaled a mixture of water and oxygen as I fell back under again. Panic surging through me, I flailed my arms once again in a desperate attempt to resurface, kicking, and thrashing violently.
I became closer and closer to the surface dark spots began to cloud my eyes. Blinking profusely so that I might see how close I am to reaching the surface. The water stinging my eyes as my vision becomes continuously blurrier. I can feel my legs go numb now, my legs are about to give out I can feel it.

     My arms are getting tired. Both my legs and my arms slow down my heart rate decreasing. I can feel it all, I am aware of the tight, sharp, burning sensation in my chest, it hurts. My back lightly hits the bottom of the pool, the black spots have cleared from visions. I see the underside of the water ripple above me in small waves. Peaceful and calm I close my eyes as I am engulfed by the darkness. The most quiet darkness I have ever encountered washes over me. All question have died, and I leave myself to my thoughts as I recall the happy moments of my childhood.

     "Ha ha ha! You're it now" he giggled lightly hitting your back with an open palm. running across the sand you catch up to him still laughing "Got you!" The sun reflecting off the oceans calm welcoming waters.

I laugh quietly in my head silently wondering what he'll do when he sees you like this.

"Mommy can I go in the water?"

"Yes, just make sure he comes with you"

"Okay mommy!"

Racing down to the water hand in hand you scream and laugh jumping away from the waves every time they get close enough to touch your feet

"C'mon scaredy cat, come play with me!"

"Okay, okay I'm coming."

More memories flash before your eyes as you fall into a sleep you know you won't wake from......

Lost deep in thought, I continue to float around the Lukewarm pool. The sun at just the right angle in which it shines through the willow tree handing over the pool allowing the perfect amount of shade and warmth.
'What if you were to drown willingly?' curiosity sparks in my eyes as I once again immerse myself in the truly morbid but intriguing thought.

To lose all will to live and give up on everything.... I dive into the pool remembering the depth "10'4" you repeat to yourself. 'Just deep enough' I resurface quietly not making any splashing noises, I breath out and sink back into the water. Lungs filling with water, I have and underwater coughing fit breathing in while trying to keep water out. I violently push myself up cutting through the water. I pull myself up over the edge of the pools side and sit, far away from the pool. Shivering and scared I sit and talk to myself. 'Wow you really can't do anything can you?' 'When's the last time you actually followed through on something?' 'You lied to them, they don't trust you anymore.' 'They left because they finally saw how worthless you are.'there is no point of living yet we are all compelled to do so, live. The chlorine washed out of my eyes as I cry, it hurts. A lot. I'm scared. Caught up. Lost in myself and my thoughts. Shaking and seemingly alone. What does it mean to truly be alone? Why can I not feel the way I was supposed to feel?

    Living is hard. Who ever said that life would be easy I promise that  person was lying to you. Because life fucking sucks. It hurts. There will be pain. There will be struggles, but to live is to breath. To actually live is not only to feel but to experience things. The purpose in life is to find your purpose. And I just haven't found mine yet.

    I'm torn away from my thoughts as a leaf from the willow tree falls and lightly lands on the bridge of my nose. I guess to explain something to someone who's never experienced a certain thing is a lot harder than it seems....