Dear Asshole,
I thought I was strong. After all this time; after 19 months.. But it still sucks. It doesn't feel bittersweet anymore; as i had forced myself to think. It still makes me cry.
Reading those quotes, remembering exactly what i felt then, seeing our pictures; of the innocent me who had no idea you would leave, that too, so soon.
Honestly, I had never been happy like that ever since you left. It's not that I dont enjoy my life. I love whats happening of it. I'm surrounded by really caring people, but I miss you.
Noone can replace the void you left. If it wasn't for you, the void would have never been created. And I dont want anyone else to make me feel happy. I'm perfectly good to do so myself. But something seems incomplete. Something seems to be missing.
And IT HURTS..
I thought I was healed. I thought loving you didn't hurt anymore. I thought I was strong.
But I'M NOT..
I feel vulnerable. As if I didn't exist at all. As if my presence, my absence doesn't matter to you or anybody else.
We see each other so many times. It didn't use to hurt then.. But I saw our pictures yesterday. Mostly I saw my ear to ear grin, which I couldn't resist when I was besides you.
The pictures of our last dayout together. The pictures of me who had no idea that it would be last. The couple memes or posts about soulmates, relationships, friendship; about what you thought of me, of what you sent or wrote for me.
You said I was your best friend and it would hurt you too if i would disappear from your life..
DOES IT HURT?
It doesn't. I know.
Because you left, I didn't..
I stayed.
And I'm still stuck.. unable to move on.. unable to let you go..
I want to caress your face so bad. I want to take your face in my hands and gently move my hands from all of your freckes; the one on your forehead, the one besides your eye, the one on your cheek. I want to kiss your nose, I want to smell you again, I want to play with your birthmarks, I just want to hold on to you so tight that you wouldn't be able to let go.
But that won't be true, will it?
I thought by doing or imagining so, you will love me one day. I waited for 3 years. And you repaid that by saying that you didn't ask me to. It was my decision. And you know what, I was really happy about that until you uttered those words.
Then the reality started sinking in. The day you didn't call me back after a beautiful dayout. Our last dayout. That night I was so sure you wouldn't leave me ever. Because I know you felt that too. You were happy that day too. Beyond everything.. I knew you well to predict you.
But this time I predicted wrong.
You turned out to be the coward. You felt that and you knew you couldn't handle that much love.
AND YOU LEFT..
Left with a 15 day late breakup text. Left me without giving a reason. As if I was not even worth it. Left as if I never mattered. As if we were never friends.
YOU BROKE ME.
Though not completely, but that one wound can't come around healing. It was a rare occurrence before which suddenly became occasional.. Even my autocorrect doesn't want to let you go. Your name still appears after a few words.. and the wound is as good as new. I gave you too much power. I invested a lot of me in you. Its diffcult to be without you again.
After so long, suddenly you just feel like my yesterday; the one I can't let go of again. Suddenly its the same again.. But this time,
I DON'T WANT IT.
It hurts far too much for that..
Not yours anymore,
~T
