Jin+Jungkook

You gave me away

"Jin? I set you up on a date. Can you please go?" He said. It felt more like a demand than a question or favor.

I sat in the couch incredulously. Hyung knew how I felt about him and knew that I was hesitant meeting new people. Knowing this information should've been basic knowledge to him. So, why did he do this to me? It breaks my heart to think he doesn't consider my feelings at all. He never does. To him I'm just like a little brother.

I'm not his brother. We're not even related.

I have feelings for him. He knows I do! My confession was unimportant to him. He chose to ignore it. He only looked at me in pity and decided that acting like it never happened was fine. That was okay until now.

I could've kept pretending to be his friend, his brother, or whatever he wanted me to be. This, I couldn't take. He wounds me. Every time, I think he can't break me anymore he does. I should've left long ago. When I still had the chance.

"Do me this favor. He's one of my potential clients and he took a liking towards you. C'mon, he's gay and you probably think he's attractive." Jungkook has no filter. He thinks that his words can't hurt me. I'm human.

He acts like he's not. There's nothing to be ashamed about. Sure, being in this industry means being hush about it but it's not something you should feel ashamed about. I was gay and he knew that. Both of us were. It was just something that we didn't talk about openly. It was like a dark secret. One which was difficult to hide like my love for him.

"You know I don't like to meet new people on my own. I'm not someone you can simply put out there to further your career." I was angry and disappointed. Unlike him, I tried to be careful with my words. My words nothing more than a whisper. I wouldn't dare raise my voice at him.

"It's going to help you too! He's the Kim Taehyung. You're Kim SeokJin: the rising star. You two can be magic together. As your manager, I think, it will be beneficial towards your career. Imagine headlines about the two most handsome stars being friends. People will love it."

I couldn't believe what I was hearing. Should I be surprised? He was always career driven. Hyung cared too much about his career. His job was his life. It had been once I began my career as an actor.

He kept pushing me to attend the restaurant where Sunbae-nim wanted to meet. I, finally, gave in. I left to my room not wanting to see him or hear him. He was happy with my compliance. I wasn't. I didn't matter to him, either way.

My manager only made sure to keep my schedule as busy as possible and his pockets full. I did all of this for him because I loved him. I wasn't happy with a public life. I didn't want any of this. I sold my soul, myself for someone who will never appreciate me. Someone who doesn't see the value in my sacrifice to keep him happy.

Jungkook? Did you ever love me? No, you played me like the fool I was. I was young and naive. You were just someone who kept a roof over my head and clothed me when I had no home. You probably thought of me as an investment. I think I paid you back more than your fair share.

You win and win and I lose. I'm the one who keeps losing. You seem to gain monetary, material things. I can't say that I don't but the one thing I want I can never have. Your love is unattainable. I lost myself because of you. The person I "am" is someone I don't recognize. It's not who I am. I became someone the public eye thinks of as handsome and appealing but to your eyes I'm your personal money maker. That's all I'll ever be to you.

I'm your porcelain doll.

~*~

"Hello, sunbae-nim. I'm Kim SeokJin. It's nice to meet you." I shook hands with one of the greatest actors of our time. My hands were trembling and couldn't keep eye contact. I hope he didn't take notice.