Living Life As A Younger Brother

Introducing My Life

As a kid I'm not supposed to be responsible. The parents-in my case, parent- are supposed to be the responsible ones. Aren't they? I'm only 7 for crying out loud!
I stop to think to myself-I do that a lot, but hey I'm a kid. It's what kids do...isn't it? I guess I wouldn't really know. Anyways, what was I talking about again? Oh yeah, I stopped to think real quick. About what? I can't remember.

I do that a lot. One time, I watched this movie with a whole bunch of fish and one couldn't remember well....I have what she has. I can't remember the name. Apparently though, to my mother, it's not the only thing wrong with me. She says I've got lots wrong with me, but I'm not so sure.
I mean, how does someone even know? My teacher says we have to go to the nice people called doctors who help us at a place called the hospital. I think I remember that place. I think I used to go there a lot when my father was still living with us. But it's okay, the adults say he went to a bad place for doing bad stuff and that I'm safe. I don't know what to think about that.

I guess he was just as much as a bad boy that I am. That's what momma says anyway.

"Leign", screams momma, "dammit you stupid boy listen when I talk to you!"

"Sorry momma", I says. I continue to rub the floor with the water cloth.

"And what the heck do you think your doing!"

  .....What am I doing? I look down. Oh yeah!

"Chores!" I tell momma, proud that I finally remembered. She'll be proud of me now! I remembered!

"Ugh! You stupid boy this house looks horrible! What kind of chores are you doing? You KNOW that a man is coming over today! You knew it!"  Mom screams and jumps at me.

"No! Honest I didn't! I didn't momma! I swear! I was just tryna help! I swear!"
I'm so confused! I didn't know! Honest I didn't! I wouldn't ever hurt momma! Now she's upset and it's all my fault!
Stupid. Stupid. Stupid.

"Well, since you messed up now you don't get to meet him!" Momma tells me.

"I'm sorry! IM SORRY!" I yelled at momma. Then I stopped; I'm not supposed to yell at momma. Uh oh!

"WHAT-", Momma stops yelling because someone knocks at the door.
I hurry to open it, but mom catches my shirt and throws me to the floor.

"Nu Uh you lousy boy! What'd I tell you? You're not aloud to meet them now! You were bad and bad boys get punished. Now, go sit in time out!" Momma scorns as she walks to the door.

I hate time-out.

I huff as I  walk to the dark closet and sit in the corner. I don't like the dark, and I don't like the closet. Bad things happen. Sometimes I feel pain when I'm bad, and sometimes I can't breathe. That was mostly when daddy was here though. Mom just makes me sit here and shuts the door. I don't like the dark. It makes me scared. Momma knows that.

I look at the wall and start to scrape a new picture that will look good with the rest of my pictures. It hurts my hands, but it makes it so I can breathe. 

I hear footsteps and people talking so I stop drawing and close my eyes, wrapping my arms around myself so I don't make noises. Mom walks over and shuts the door and I gasp. I don't want to open my eyes. I know I can't see anyways! I try to think of that one movie with the fish I seen at school, but it gets too hard. I'm stupid and cant remember. I'm stupid.

I'm stupid and cant breathe.

I keep gasping and shaking. I know it's dark. Bad things happen in the dark. More than in the light. Bad things always happen.

Maybe, if I don't think about it nothing will happen!
NO! THAT NEVER WORKS!
I can hear daddy laughing again! Daddy's touching me! It hurts! Mom's not doing anything! Why?! Help!

I cry. Crying is for the weak but sometimes crying helps me. Sometimes. When nobody is around. That way I don't get in even more trouble.

But even though I'm crying I can still hear daddy's laughing. But then it turns to yelling. It sounds like nails on a chalkboard. Like when Bobby from school thought it was funny to scratch the chalkboard and it made a disgusting noise. Or like when he played that video on his camera thing where a crazy man was screaming.

Mrs. Soam, my teacher, said his voice was very hoarse. Like he smoked a lot and then he screamed a lot afterwards. I shiver. Dad's voice always sounded like that. I tried to be good I swear. But it never worked.

With my eyes closed, I can see him yelling and stomping towards me. I can hear his steps and the crashes the stuff makes as he whips them all around. I know I'm crying louder now. I try to stop crying, but I can still hear the him. I know mom's gonna be mad.

She's gonna say how much she regrets having me. And how much she doesn't love me. That she wishes she wouldn't have told dad to stop, because if he kept going she wouldn't have to deal with me and she wouldn't have to pay the hospital. She would be happy.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I start to move back and forth and rub my arms. I'm cold. I don't have nice clothes like the kids at school. I don't have a bed or a big blanket like mom. I'm cold. I keep crying, but I bite my lip really hard so nobody can hear. I WANT mom to have fun. Without me.

I'm sorry mom. I'm a bad boy. I'm sorry. I bite my cheeks really hard when I hear the doorknob jiggle. I gotta be good. Maybe mom will let me out! I stop crying and finally open my eyes. I can't see nothing, but I can still hear the knob so I start to smile. Momma came for me!

I hear the door open and then my eyes hurt. My eyes hurt! I can see light! I'm not in the dark anymore! I look up and smile at mom-No!

I scream as arms pull at me! Bad arms! They're not momma!

I'm lifted from the ground and expect to be hit.