* ✧ impulse works ⤵

── an abrupt fade in reality.

if nothing had changed, i may have never taken a sip of liquor in my life. the thought of the burning liquid disgusted me, but here i sit. this empty bar, in a way seemed ironic. the melodic music in the back had reminded me oh so much of you, and the songs we had bonded over as children. the emptiness, it reminded me of myself in way. the thought made me laugh. now i have turned into the empty one, with no thoughts of my own. just my emotions controlling me. thoughts like those slipped past my mind as easily as the whiskey i bared. the memories seemed to slip down my throat with the liquid. that seemed enough reason to leave for me.

i'm still not sure how i ended up at an ice rink, the bus dropped me off there and now, i sat. for some reason, i couldn't get away from the music that night. another song echoed throughout the empty arena, this was ours. our rink, our song. it all comes back at once, you know. once you see one thing it can trigger a million other things. it drives you mad, so quickly it could take your sanity from you. but, i felt meloncoloy. all i could think of was our finger intertwined, skating across the ice. never easily, but never unhappily. slipping and sliding was all worth the reward of seeing that smile of yours. it always made you so happy. i could never forget that, the way you would light up after we skated together. it seemed like the little things really got to you. i miss that. the little things.

the song had changed many times by now it felt like. maybe i'd been there for a few minutes, maybe a few hours. it was unclear, but it didn't matter. time truly felt like an illusion at the time, it felt like i had the rest of my life but nothing to do. nothing left to achieve or accomplish. empty, in a way. i guessed that was my theme for life from now on, empty. a lot of things seemed to suddenly disappear with you, and i'm not sure why. there's so many more holes in my life because of you, but i can't seem to be upset at you. why can't i blame you? it's so hard to hate you. i love you so much.

and even after everything, i don't regret it. those years, i don't regret it. i never will.