The Art of Broken Pieces

Silent Porgs

Ben woke in the early hours of the morning, light barely tinting the eastern sky through the windows. His dreams had been chaotic, and a restlessness burned in him. Sliding carefully from the bed they shared, Ben dressed quietly, hoping not to wake her. He needed to get away, at least for a short time, and clear his mind.

With guards no longer posted and the security systems disabled, it was easy to slip away.

Rey woke already knowing that Ben wasn't beside her. The superficial part of her mind wanted to be afraid, but something deeper inside her felt too at peace for there to truly be anything wrong.

She tossed off the covers and climbed out, then smoothed them back to match the other side, already straightened by Ben when he'd risen.

It was early. Cool dawn light flowed through the window, and misty cobwebs hung thick between the jungle trees, obscuring temple peaks and spindly comm towers. Rey pulled on trousers and commandeered Ben's shirt from the day before, which had a comforting weight and smell to it.

He wasn't in the room beyond, but she'd already guessed that. Rey made two cups of khav and slipped from the little apartment, letting her sense of Ben's presence guide her toward the lake.

It was good to breathe fresh air, to feel the early morning chill on his skin. Ben had found a small path that circled the edge of the large lake that seemed to be the focal point of the senatorial complex, surrounded by parks and grand estates. Perhaps it wasn't the best idea to wonder alone, where his presence could still so easily cause upset and chaos. But he had needed these quiet moments.

There was no one about, it was still too early for most to bother. Ben remembered life on Chandrila, where the wealthy and elite tended towards late nights, not early mornings.

Choosing the path that led towards what appeared to be the less habited side of the water, Ben listened to the soft sounds of native life waking slowly, scurrying in the grass, and the coo of birds. Here and there the towering profile of old temples could still be seen beyond the careful manicuring of grounds and the growing city, hidden in the deep jungles beyond.

A soft whispering of the Force made him pause, then drew him onward down the stone path, towards a grove that still stood mostly wild on a promontory jutting out into the lake. It was like the sound of the wind in the leaves, but there was no breeze in the still of morning.

A tall and twisting tree dominated the small grove, and Ben reached out to it curiously through the Force, testing a suspicion. It swayed faintly in his direction as he did so, branches reaching out as though in greeting. He moved to approach and froze, suddenly taking in the rest of the scene before him as his chest clenched in pain.

Rey felt the shift in his mood, and immediately knew where to find him. She balanced the hot liquid in the mugs with a touch of power and dashed down a jungle path, beneath the mist-shrouded trees.

She found him at the memorial, beyond the Uneti tree Poe's parents had planted for Luke. It was, in a way, a trifecta. The Force-sensitive tree standing in for the Jedi Master, and the twining statue symbolizing two heroes of the Rebellion and the Resistance.

Ben knelt at the base of that statue, his big shoulders diminished, back curved in a slump. Rey set down the mugs, touching the Uneti tree's bark as she passed, feeling its familiarity to the massive one on Ach-To.

Help me comfort him, she thought, unsure if she was reaching out to a specific person, or simply to the Force itself. Her heart ached for Ben, and she felt the cracking agony inside him, clawing and unexpected, at least by him.

Rey put her hand on his back and crouched behind him, gazing at the hand spread across the names in the memorial's marble plaque.

Han Solo • Leia Organa

Ben felt sick, dizzy, the letters under his fingers blurring as he felt the chill of the marble under his touch. Something was cracking inside him, fracturing and tearing violently apart the years of barriers that he had crafted so carefully to protect himself. His heart drummed in his chest and his mind scrambled to try and re-build the walls that were tumbling down faster than he could keep up with them.

He barely felt the touch of Rey's hand, everything seeming distant and far away. Cold seeped into his skin, deeper into his bones, freezing him in place as more memory and guilt than he could bear dug icy fingers into his chest and pulled him apart.

Han, Rey realized. That was what this was about. He'd been able to speak with Leia's spirit and make his peace, and the day might come when he could even do that with Luke.

But Han hadn't had the Force. He wouldn't come back as a spirit. Ben would receive no postmortem forgiveness from the father he had murdered.

Except...Rey remembered the rough yet loving words he'd spoken just before the lightsaber had gone through him, the willingness to do anything to bring his son home. She remembered the tender way he had touched Ben's face, as though nothing, not even patricide, could destroy his love for his son.

She held onto Ben's shoulder, willing to be the tether he needed as the storm raged through him.

There was too much to process, too many memories all wrapped up in pain and in disappointment. Han had always tried to be there, even when Leia could not be, even when the work that the galaxy required of them had taken them away. It had always been difficult between them, but Han had tried his best, tried to figure out how to communicate with the son whose powers were beyond his understanding. When Ben and Leia had fought, even the simplest of conversations always seeming to turn into arguments and accusations, Han had always been there to try and put them back together again.

The memory that he had tried the hardest to avoid was burning into his brain, the look of hope and sadness on Han's face, the warmth of his fingers against his cheek, the weight of his body falling away, the scent of burning flesh hanging in the air. Ben was shaking uncontrollably now, something irreparable was breaking inside him, the greatest sin for which he could never receive forgiveness. His hands clenched into fists, retreating into the only way of dealing with the emotions that he had left at his disposal. Nails cutting circles into the flesh of his palms, he lashed out, feeling the grounding flash of pain as the skin over his knuckles split against the marble base of the memorial. Blood streaked the white stone and Ben crumpled forward, a deep sob wracking his body.

"He never should have come near me... He should have stayed away!"

Rey had no response. Tears welled in her eyes and coursed out. This was not the time for wisdom or interruption. It was time to let Ben feel, to hate himself and grieve until the wound he'd made was clean.

Carefully, as though she were coaxing a wild animal to give her its paw, she slid her fingers down his arm and took his hand, lifting it from the marble plaque.

His blood filled up the letters of Han's name, twisting and glistening in the dim morning light.

Ben couldn't remember the last time that he had cried. It was a dam breaking free in him, a flood of emotion that left him gasping for breath. Deep shudders shook through his body and he was helpless against them.

The Force had always been so much a part of his life, and the lives of those around him. It had always added connections, meaning, to his actions. But now it seemed almost like a curse, a boundary that could not be crossed. His mother's hands had guided him when Rey had almost died, Anakin had come to him on Karrakesh, to give a shape to his confusion. But Han... with his strong and gentle hands and lopsided smile, Han was lost to him forever.

Rey stayed kneeling beside him and held his bloody hand. It hurt to hear him, to see him, to feel him, and be able to do so little to comfort him. All she could do was stay by his side and bear witness to his pain. His emotions were raw, his tears no less violent than his rage or determination.

They stayed at the foot of that memorial as the sun rose above the jungle trees, searing away the shroud of mist on treetops and lake. A splinter of light shot between the two twining columns, netting down onto the carved names, and the gleam of Ben's blood.

Eventually the waves of guilt faded, too emotionally exhausted to feel any longer. He was becoming numb, the only sensations that remained were Rey's warm hands on his and the clear and simple pain in his hand. His lungs ached, and Ben slumped sideways against her, letting the comfort of her arms surround him.

A soft breeze blew around them, carrying with it the small sounds of the jungle, peaceful and alive. Ben let his eyes close, trying to hold some measure of that peace close, although he knew it was just a temporary measure.

Rey wrapped him up, sendingthreads of warmth and comfort and love to him, tightening them around him assurely as she did her arms. She kissed his temple, his hair, and waited for himto cue her when he was ready to stand.

They stayed there a long time.