Portal to my Psyche

UPDATE

CW: Bulimia mentions, mentions of a toxic relationship, homophobia story, let me know if there's anything else I need to list

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Hey, guys! I know it's been over a year since I've written in this book. The last time I wrote in here, I was a 16-year-old sophomore. I was in an okay state of mind, but I was in a toxic relationship and I was still recovering from bulimia. There was a lot going on, but thankfully, I was doing alright with my writing and my spirituality. Even with all that I was going through, I had these things to keep me grounded.

Since then, so much more has happened. In March of 2017, I got my first job. It was at a trampoline park in Maine, and it was a very new business. My experience with the company started out well. At first, I made a lot of friends and met some great people. I liked cleaning the park and watching over the jumping patrons. Around May, things started to go south.

At this time, a lot of drama began to rise. My coworkers became cliquish and gossipy. I felt I had to act in a similar way to fit in with them. I started to act just as mean as they did. I put people I knew down, and slandered them behind their backs. I even lied about one of my coworker's boyfriends! I can't believe I made these decisions. I am so infuriated with myself for having made these decisions, even though I apologized and made amends to those whom I hurt.

Even after learning from my mistakes, I received some of the worst karma I could have received. One day, when very few people came to the park, I stood by the concession stand with my coworker. We talked among ourselves about random things, like school, life, and the fact that a church had opened up next door. This led to a conversation about religion, and then this led to a conversation about homophobia within religion.

I asked my coworker if he thought the parts of the Bible that condemned homosexuality were accurate. He responded with a yes. At first, I thought he was joking. I told him that I thought he was really funny.

With that, my coworker began to say something along the lines of, "No, I'm serious. I don't think it's right to be gay. I mean, for one thing, gays don't make (or reproduce) anything. (Also), if you look at your average gay, he's an attention seeker."

He said this TO MY FACE AT OUR WORK. While I initiated the conversation, he could've exited the conversation at any time. Nobody was forcing him to talk. It was his choice to share his hateful "opinion," to a gay woman in a place where a child could easily walk in and hear. But everyone took his side anyway.

Since then, I've quit this job and started working at another one. I've given my ex-coworker multiple opportunities to apologize. I've been trying to forgive him, but it's honestly still really hard. I know it was a year ago, but it was also my first job. I was also a young, anxiety prone queer kid. This really rattled my experience with the company, and that's a hard fact to accept.

In addition to working, I've been studying. I'm currently a junior in high school, and I'm starting the college application process. There's definitely a lot of school and homework on my plate, and there's also a lot that goes into the college application process. But I feel pretty good about my academic standing. I have a decent GPA, and I get all my assignments done on time. It shouldn't be that big of a deal, getting into a good college.

With all the work and school I've had to do, I have remembered to take care of myself socially. I've made new friends, opened myself up to new people, and I've even kissed another girl. While I have had fights and break ups, they've all individually taught me something about myself. And I'm proud of that.

To be honest, I'm really proud of myself. I've come a long way since I started writing this. Life has given me truly telling experiences. I've found my interests, rediscovered my passions, and have felt motivated to do better. I've met more people, and I've learned about different ways of life.  I've learned so, so much about myself through these experiences. And I'm so proud I came back to this book one day in study hall. I look forward to continuing it.