You Will Always Shine The Brightest // Larry

4: I Wish I Was Dead

"How do you find yourself?" The question was really, open-ended, an answer wasn't expected, but he felt like he needed an answer, because he had felt lost within himself for a long time, but the question was shocking, because usually it was Louis asking these types of things, but this time, it was Harry looking for some profound meaning that really meant nothing at all.

Harry was scared, terrified even, the past events of the week had changed his perception on many things. He didn't know what was up, what was down and what he was, although Louis would tell him that he was the moon and that would be the end of the conversation.

Harry had lost someone, someone who was close to him, his grandmother, Theresa, she passed away- a heart attack he was told, but he didn't believe it, she was stronger than that, he saw her as one of the strongest people alive.

He guessed that he was wrong.

Harry had stuck around at the cemetery, his friends all hanging back too. They were giving him some space though, watching from afar as Harry stood in front of the fresh grave, looking at the dirt, kicking it gently, getting some of the dirt on his shoe, trying to calm himself.

After fifteen minutes, Louis had left the other boys to meet up with Harry, wrapping an arm around him for comfort, not entirely sure if it was working.

"What do you mean?" Louis asked, staring at the grave along with Harry, wondering how long the grass would take to grow. He thought it was ironic that grass still grew and lived over the dead, or maybe it wasn't ironic, maybe it was symbolic in some way.

"If you don't know who you are, how do you find yourself? Where do you even start looking?" Harry asked, almost pleading with his words, but he tried not to let too many emotions place his voice, he didn't want to be weak, not today. Not here.

Louis was stuck for words, in truth he didn't have the answers, he never even asked the question. Thinking about who he was and how he fit into the universe was far too much for him, he didn't want to bother with it.

But he knew that it could potentially break Harry if Louis told him that, so he remained silent, letting the air speak his words for him.

Harry had been torn up since her death was announced, he had been questioning everything, living and death, whether or not being alive was important, it gave him a new perspective on everything, one Louis hadn't heard yet, one Louis would agree with but dislike because it wasn't very Harry-like to agree with Louis.

"How are you holding up?" Louis asked, and Harry shook his head, making it clear that he didn't want to speak, that if he did, no words would find their way out, only sobs and pained, shattered air.

Louis was hiding something from Harry though, he couldn't tell him, not right now, that would be a terrible thing to do. Even though Louis needed to talk about it, it wasn't going to happen until Harry was okay, and Louis would have to wait, he didn't want to drop anything more on to Harry's already failing shoulders.

He was unstable, and so was Louis, and they were each other's backbones, holding each other up, and supporting each other through everything, and being there for each other, how they had always done, and how they always would do.

But it was usually Louis who was going through something, almost always he was the one who needed Harry, but this time Harry needed him too, and he didn't know if he could get Harry through this the way that Harry got Louis through everything.

But Louis had gotten used to his life and himself and all the bad things that happen to him, so he would try his best to support the both of them as well as he could, and he would put Harry first, he would always put Harry first.