Fighting with Bipolar and winning!!

Match.com miracle baby

Unfortunately, I had to go off of my medication during the pregnancy that was never supposed to happen. I gave birth to my precious, miracle baby in December of 2017. She truly is a miracle in so many ways. After a marriage and being together for 16 years, I did not give myself time to heal. I got on Christian mingle, plenty of fish and I met my baby daddy on match.com. People wondered
what I saw in this man. We had nothing in common. I am not an animal lover, he spends every waking moment with the animals. He's a hunter, fisherman and eats whatever he kills ( including squirrels). I mostly just enjoyed the time away. He lived in the country and we both would just spend all day long playing monopoly, smoking some weed, long walks, movies, hikes, fishing and we both just enjoyed a full week together. I loved it there because I got away from the lonely feeling I felt after the divorce and when my girls were gone for seven full days in a row. I honestly don't think that I ever loved James. We fought all the time. We were both so immature. James asked me three important questions online when he sent me my first message, he had three questions for me that I liked. The first question was about my faith. I told him that I was a baptist and he said he was too. The second question was wether or not I drank. I said no. I am on bipolar medication and I don't drink was my response. He was a convicted felon for having three drunk driving's on his record. He craved alcohol on a daily basis. He craved it because when he was in the war in Iraq fighting for our country, it really messed him up and he has PTSD. The final question was if I smoked or not. I told him that I did not smoke and he said that he did smoke marijuana illegally. I was just trying to find somebody that was on the same page with me spiritually. I should've considered the fact that even though he was a Baptist, he lived out in the woods and he didn't even have a way to get to church. I would always try to have devotions with him and he would always thank me for it afterwards. But truth of the matter is, I needed a spiritual leader. The whole weed thing was a major problem for me that I'm ashamed of. I found myself smoking marijuana with him and I felt so convicted by the Holy Spirit for it. I broke up with James one last and final time two weeks after our miracle baby was born. Before the last big breakup, I broke up with James 3 times in just out year of dating. I was never really even attracted to him. I liked the country life and we had a lot of fun together with no kids. The first time I broke up with him because I was convicted for having sex with him. I told him not to touch me in that way. He would not listen and I felt so guilty, I can't put all of the blame on him. I broke up with him the second time after we smoked marijuana together. I didn't need to get high, I felt terrible and then and I broke up two weeks after the baby was born. My heart broke very cold towards him when he did not show up for any of my surgeries. He should have been there for me. He is a country boy and he chose his farm animals over coming to me when I was on my deathbed. After I was released from the hospital from having three of my D&C surgeries done, I went to his house and I let him know that I won't sleep with him anymore but me and the baby would come stay with him. When we were there, I asked him if it was going to be hard for him when me and the baby left for a week and he said yes. Then I asked if if he thought it would be harder for him the older she got, he was like "yah." And that is when I said "nah."  I felt like I was single every other week because we loved 58 miles away from each other and he didn't drive. I was the taxi. Something in my heart changed. I fell out of love right then and there after he said that hr was going to be alright with us leaving for atleast a week at a time. So, I calmly let him know that me and the baby would be leaving him. He had always warning me before that if I broke up with him again, it would be for good. I was OK with that this time. So, me and the baby left and that same day we both started becoming very immature. We blocked each other from Facebook. We made it very obvious to social media that we were no longer a couple. I went through and I unfriended all of his family and friends. It was like we went through a divorce, even though we were never married. I am so thankful that we never ended up getting married. Right after I took the pregnancy test, he asked me if we should get married. I thought at that time that maybe we should. A couple of days after this happened, he sold one of his houses that was paid in full. He had a check of more than $100,000 that he just put in savings. We discussed marriage shortly after he put that money in savings. He thinks I was after him for that that money. Nope, I wasn't. I Didn't want to sign a prenup. To me, signing a prenup means that if this marriage does not work then let's just divorce. Here we are now; we have this four month old baby that was born into a hot mess. He is trying to use my mental illness against me. He thinks that his baby is in danger of my care. He even contacted cps to let them know that he felt like I was having a manic episode. I'm like "are you kidding me?!" This is what you do to me after I gave birth and went through all of those surgeries for this baby of ours and you do this. I was so hurt. Still am. During my stay at the hospital, the baby was at his farm house. So, a newborn baby out in the country with the man that has a huge temper with his alcohol cravings. A man that has to have a guard dog for his PTSD. This guard dog could eat her in one bite out of jealousy. The way that the baby was introduced to him was a joke. I thought that the dog was going to eat the baby right away. The dog is very hyper. The baby was laying on the bed just two days after she was born and the dog jumped right over her on the bed and missed her by an inch. James was not at all worried. He claims the dog knew what he was doing. (I am like yeah, but what if) Kaelyn got a terrible scratch on her face while she was in his care. CPS investigated the  scratch and my case worker (Lacy Weirengo) walked into the condo as soon as I was released from the hospital. She walked right up to the baby and wondered what happened to her face. I said that this happened at her dads house. She said there was no possible way that her baby finger nail did that. She had me take her to the doctor. The doctor and the nurse also said that there is no way that this could have been done by a fingernail. When I was in the hospital having all of my surgeries, James was in contact with CPS. He was letting them know that I'm being hospitalized for my mental illness. Urgh; not true. I was in there for an emergency hysterectomy, but they were able to put me on medication to help me get adjusted to bipolar medication after not being able to take them during my pregnancy. They put me on Latuda. (which ended up being the wrong med) latuda  is good for bipolar type two, for those who struggle with depression. I do not have any depression and I'm bipolar type 1, so it did the opposite affect for me. It made me depressed and I was fighting manic episodes. It was very hard to be there physically and mentally. But, we did it and I thank you for your prayers! The case worker did her investigation. She came to my house. She talked to my older girls, that I have joint custody with. She asked the girls if they were scared of mommy  or if they felt safe. My girls were not scared of me at all. They remembered the years before I got pregnant and they just wanted to see mommy get all better and they were thankful that she was. This is the awesome part, she met with my former husband. He is so awesome! He says that I have made all of the girls doctors appointments, dentist appointments, I take them to and from counseling, I cook for them and all of my child support money goes towards them. I did not get all of the money that I was supposed to get out of Brian's 401(k) that he owed me, I would rather have the peace. Forget the thousands of dollars, I felt so bad for taking his retirement. I have my older girls all summer long and during any kind of school breaks. Brian and I do not do one week on and one week off. We just work together for our girls sake. We actually spend a lot of time together as an old family. Kaelyn calls Brian uncle B. He just loves her. We don't really do one week on and one week off. We just hangout together whenever he gets out of work and when he is at work, he texts me and calls me all day long. I told the caseworker that I thought we would get back together. While, she went and told Brian I had said that I thought that and he told me not to tell people that and it wasn't happening. My heart broke when he said that. I had and still do so many mixed emotions about that. He told me that when I was in the hospital for nine days. I asked him if we're not getting back together, to quit calling and texting me all day. I told him I don't want him to confuse me and hang out with me and the the baby all the time. I have been home from the hospital now for three months and we never continued on that conversation. We act like it never happened. He comes over here and we watch TV together. We have even talked about going to the casino together. We're not big gamblers but we do enjoy people watching at the casino. We like to play this game where we guess peoples lives stories as they walk by. We sit down and we enjoy playing blackjack. He hates the slots. I met someone online that I have been talking to, but it gets hard to carry on a relationship with anyone else, my heart is still in love with Brian. His grandfather died last week and I went to the funeral. I was so honored to sit in the front row with his family. In the front row sat his father, his mother, then me ( my mother in law holding my hand as we sang the hymns) next to me was Brian holding my baby and then our girls. The whole Christiansen family was there and they were all so happy to see me. It was a great day and I didn't want it to end. When Brian and I were going through the divorce, I was stupid and deleted everyone of his family members. It was so good to catch up with them again. I just pray that if Brian and I do not end up getting back together, that he will find a godly woman. This guy that I have been talking to plans on coming to church with me. He is a Christian and he does not swear. He will treat me very good. His name is Kevin. I actually went on a dating website again, you would think after meeting somebody from match.com and it not working out that I would know better LOL. That is where I met him. It was a dating website called meet me and it was. We both deleted our accounts that very night that we met. We have been texting back-and-forth for several months. But I always let him know that I don't think I'm ready to be a new relationship. We hung out together last night and made it official on Facebook, that we were in a relationship. I need to be honest with him and let him know that I still have feelings for my husband. I just want to be his friend and I hope I don't regret it. He is our son, he owns his own business and he's a tree cutter. He is only 32 years old and he owns a tree cutting business. Brian and Lacy want to be subpoenaed for court. They want to fight for me. They want to prove to the courts that I am a wonderful mother. I just had to do a med switch after I was released from the hospital. I am currently taking Depakote & zyprexa for my bipolar and both of those medications have been working out wonderfully. I am so thankful. I had to fight for my girls and I will still continue to fight. I do not want to keep Kaelyn from her father. I think that he deserves to see her. I should have given myself time to heal after our divorce. The man that God put in my life after I got out of Ottawa County Jail. I am a pastors kid, and you know what they say about them. Pastors kids are the worst. I cannot believe all of the horrible stuff that I did as a teenager. My poor parents. I blame that on the fact that I was sexually molested several times, starting at the age of just 12 years old. The first man to molest me was in the neighbors swimming pool. This perverted man would pick up children and throw them into the deep end of the pool. Whenever it was my turn, he would start touching me. It started off in the swimming pool, but then when he noticed that I did not tell anybody and he got away with it, he started doing it in different places. I remember the camper, the couch, a boat, even Lake Michigan. There were two other men in the church that molested me as well. It is just too bad that I kept my mouth shut and did not get help. Just like you see on the show intervention, I chose drugs and alcohol to hide the pain. I knew if I told my father that he would probably go to prison for killing the man. He was a teacher and he was in his 40s. He had a wife, who is overweight and had five boys. All of the kids in the neighborhood got to play their games and have fun and I had to be the one pulled aside. It was very confusing, I actually thought that he might leave his wife for me and I was only 13 years old at that time. It made me really curious about other men. Anyhow, it started to lead to my drug addiction and shortly after I went to Ottawa County Jail and had just been released just weeks before I met Brian James. He had just moved here from Phoenix Arizona to get away from marijuana, methadone, speed and unfortunately heroin. Rehabs did not work out for him. He would always go to a rehab and he would end up abusing. It is so sad to hear the stories of how sick he got trying to become clean. Brian's parents told him that he had no choice but to move to Muskegon Michigan with his baptist grandfather named Harry. They said just to stay there throughout the summer and come back. God knew  that we needed each other and at the perfect time. Sure, we struggled with our drinking days, but drugs was a will not for us, we pinky swore that we would stay clean. We worked together at Menards. He was only supposed to be here for the summer. We spent every single day together. Every single night together. We just stayed clean and we watched movies. I will never forget Brian's boss asking him if he was going to be moving back to Phoenix Arizona in July or August. He decided that he was not going to be called in because he fell in love. Such a beautiful story and I could add on so many more pages of journaling as to what a wonderful man that he was for me. We had to healthy babies with no complications. God is so faithful!