hysteria || Peter Parker (Spider-Man: Homecoming)

05

Should I have done it?

She probably would've punched him in the face.

But should I have done it?

If he had a death wish, then yes.

No, but should-?

Peter's brain was in full-tilt battle. The noise rushing through it drowning everything else out, so he could barely focus on putting two feet in front of the other. To say he was conflicted would be an understatement. To be or not to be. To kiss or not to kiss. To love or not to love.

Not to love.

Don't go there.

Don't go there again. Don't do that to yourself. Not again.

He'd loved Liz. Or, at least, he'd thought it was love. But her dad ended up being the thing in Peter's worst nightmares. Her dad ended up being the last thing Peter sees before the weight of a building crushes him to the ground. Her dad ended up being the man who tortured and killed Peter.

And so, his heart was broken. Because he knew he couldn't be with Liz, he couldn't love her.

He'd also loved his parents. Well, they were away a lot, but they sure have been gone for a while now. And he misses them so much it hurts, so he knows he loved them. He sees everyone at school with their moms and their dads and it takes everything he has not to fall to the ground screaming. When he sees Ned hug his dad goodbye before he goes to work when Peter sleeps at his house, he runs to the bathroom and spends a good ten minutes trying not to fall into a panic attack.

How can a child go without a mother's love? Don't get him wrong, May is the closest thing to a mother he'll ever find, and Peter loves her over everything else in his life. He is her baby. But there's something about a mother. Some bond that is so strong and unconditional. A rock, a home A shelter for two to be safe. The unfathomable love that a mother has, that's so tender and willing, is something Peter could never feel, again. Because the only way that bond can be broken is through death.

And his parents are dead.

And Uncle Ben is dead.

Peter killed Ben.

Peter wasn't going to think about that now, though.

And so, it's not worth it. It's not worth it to take a chance and love, or at least like, because there's only pain.

He loved May. Peter only waited until she was gone. Peter could only wait until she leaves him too.

Peter loved Tony. But did Tony love Peter? That hurt.

Peter didn't want to love MJ. And MJ didn't want to love Peter. And that's how it's going to stay. What a twisted, cruel world they must live in, for that to be the way to live.

And the fact that there was no loving in this world became even more clear, as Peter stepped over the threshold of his apartment door.

The breath was knocked from his chest, a gasp hitching in his throat. He knees buckled, but he managed to stay standing, despite the throbs of confusion and dizziness coursed through his body.

A dozen guns were trained on him, attached to a dozen men in thick, black uniforms. There was a red beam, pointed straight at his forehead and someone was yelling in the back of Peter's head, in a warning, angry voice. But he couldn't hear them.

He was staring at May.

She was being held between two of the men – the only two not pointing their pistols at Peter – wrists cuffed and blood dribbling down her forehead from a small cut. Her eyes were pleading at Peter to run and hide; he could tell. But the way her body was sagging slightly under the men's grip told him to stay.