I let my clothes fall to the ground
As I undress for a shower
They fall fast
Also as fast as my face falls
When I see what I am
When I see the prominent bones I my hips
Or the curves that almost were enough
But not quite because oh I need a wider hourglass figure
I hate that fucking cellulite indents my thighs make
I hate my inproportionate long body
I hate the spots that are just too thin
I see this all in the matter of merely a second
I try to avoid the mirrors
But its hard
When society is a mirror itself
Sharing its own reflection of who you are
Where are my thoughts
And so after hating my body
I slip behind the shower curtain
And cover myself with the water like a safety blanket
Hoping the heat will burn my flesh and melt me into something beautiful
*scratch scratch scratch*
Marks
Faint red
Dark pink
Scratch marks all over
Because my body feels like there are pins
Everywhere
I scratch until my thighs are bright red under the searing steaming water
Maybe if I scratch hard enough
My skin will flake off
And a new layer will appear
One that's beautiful and not full of cellulite
I wish I was enough
I turn the water all the way up burning myself again and again hoping to be more
I need to be enough
Let me be enough
