Saved by Gaga

{51}

We flew back to England on Saturday. Sunday was a lazy day. Just in the pool and curled up on the seat swing. We were not even going to leave the house but then we both felt trapped so we left for a walk all round London in the summer evening. The paparazzi did catch us so we played with them. We kissed and Joanne gave me a piggy back. I hate the paps but i am getting used to it. And the reality is that when they take the photos that is how i looked in that moment. Its learning to know that even if i felt like i did not look 'the best' i looked like me and that's ok.

Now its dose of the fact I am back in school today. Me and the pot and the crunchers are all going in. I am still wake earlier than the alarm, and Joanne is still asleep next to me. With everything that has happened since I went into school last I don't know what people will say. They will have seen the photos of me and Joanne kissing yesterday as well. The whole internet seemed to have a thing about that. Apparently now Lady Gaga is dating her 14 year old daughter. God knows why people believe this rubbish, well I suppose there is hard evidence of us kissing but it's just a piss take. The girls in school will believe anything though and something like this gives them a excuse. I turn over and look at Joanne. My brain goes to the fact she is my mother monster and my Mum. She is so beautiful. I an not dating her for sure but I do love her in so many different ways. She starts to wake up.

"Good morning miss.l" she says before I get to.

"And the same back to you." I say. The curtains are open and the sun is coming in. Joanne looks out.

"I wish you didn't have to go to school today. It's such a nice day we could go and write outside." Joanne tells me.

"Joanne! You are supposed to be my mother. That means that your supposed to send me to school, even when I clame I am ill." I laugh at her. "And anyway this album is done so I won't be in school much longer." I tell her.

"Oh yeah right I'm your mother, right well missy school it is! I got too caught up in our relationship right?" She jokes about he rumors and kisses me all over.
I get my phone and take a photo. Joanne has no top and and you can only see the straps of mine because we are under the covers. It will probably go on my Instagram later. Or now.

"You going to put that one on now then missy. We still have 15 minutes before we get out of bed." Joanne will not get up a minute before 7:00 am. I go onto instergram and post the photo. With the caption of.
"So what time are we getting up? 6:58, right Joanne?"
She logs into her phone and comments.
"NOOO! 7:00 am!"

This makes me laugh. She wraps her arms around me and pulls me in. She cheaks my wrists for scars. I haven't got any fresh ones but I nearly had. It's still something I face alone no matter how hard Joanne pushes. I am not over it yet either.

On the way to school we pick up Jane and Ella and Liz. They all sign my pot and laugh at the amount of famous signatures they are on there. I walk into school with them and see the form. I am told all the drama in a rush of words from everyone. The day is a flash and I am glad to be back in school.

Later that day:
"Hello girls" Joanne says as we all get into the car. If she's giving me a lift she may as well give them one too.

"Hey. What have you done today?" I ask.

"You ready for this..." I look at her with a smile and nod. "MEETINGS!" She laughs. The whole car is now laughing at the fact Jo has spent all day doing something very inevitable. "Seriously though it was all about security and how we need to be looked after on tour. I had to fight hard against them taking all privacy. It's fine though its going to be fun."

"Good, you know I don't really get on with all the security I have met before, apart from Kev." I tell her. They keep telling me to get off the roofs and that I have to take my phone when I go out. All that lot that I don't do. Joanne just nod with a 'emmm'

Liz starts from the back. "Sorry Millie not wanting to be a snitch here but Stefani, Millie has eaten nothing today." I roll my eyes and glare at her. Why am I friends with snitchers.

"Millieee...' Joanne starts.

'No, right, look, I ate breakfast and I simply was not hungry at lunch. I can eat when I get home. It's not a big deal." I say.

"Mils you know there is a meal in the middle of the day called lunch? Yes well that is something that you need to try to be eating." She tells me.

I snap "You know what it was so much easier when no one monitored what I ate. It's called doing what you like and that's what I'm used to and it's normal for me. Now all of a sudden there are people running my life for me. What the hell that is not how it works. I get that you are my Mum or whatever but it doesn't mean I haven't learnt to live with out you. Well I had to didn't I? Just leave me alone ok?" I say mad. Joanne hasn't even started the car yet so I open the door, grab my crunchers and get out. Well I fucked that one up well.

I know I shouldn't have said any of that but its so hard for me to adjust to people wanting to look after me. And really I am struggling to deal with it because I know I am a problem. It makes me feel bad because I am so hard to care for. And then I see that I am making it hard for them and want to stop them hurting about that so I try and go. It's then a cycle. I really feel bad about saying that to Joanne but I am not going back now, I can't. I love her but in reality she did leave me. I know why but its still that fact that she did that. I can't hurt her more. I don't struggle walking with crunchers so I decide to use one of the local foot paths. No one can try and come in a car to get me that way either. I think about what I have just said some more and take out a blade. I still have one in my school blazer. I sit on the swing in the park I am passing and slide it over my skin. Once is never enough so it goes again and again until there are about 10 red lines over my skin. The stinging comes and its a realise as always. I have a thousand second thoughts and throw the blade over my shoulder in anger. I get the cruchers and start to walk again. I need to go to the woods. I reckon I can still get up a tree with this things. I don't care if a tree did it to me in the first place I need to be back up there.

I sit on the highest branch I can reach. I can hear someone's voice shouting up at me. I look down and to see Florence. I can't push this all on her.

"Millie don't make me climb up there." I look down at her and she can see the tears in my eyes. "Millie come down dear and we can talk."

I just stare at her. She's defiantly seen me but I don't know yet if she's determined to get me down.

"God, Millie it's been years since I climbed a tree and these shoes do not deserve to be ruined."

I decide to climb down and hug her. Getting a face full of ginger hair as I do. "I never expected to find you here, i was only coming for walk." She rocks me. Then leads me over to the bench. "Come on then way are you a mile away from home with crunchers and tears?" She asks.

"It's fine Flo i was just escaping up the tree for a bit. I am about to head home." I say not wanting to push this onto her too. She looks into my eyes and I have to tell her. "Ok well I haven't eaten lunch today and Joanne is trying to get me to eat more. So she told me to eat more in the car and I just snapped and said a load of things I didn't mean. I then just got out of the car and went."

"So you have run away from Stefani?" Flo asks and I just look at her.

She hugs me and says we are going back home.