Variable Z

Why Him?

It isn't fair.
How could I love him? It's not fair. I love the one I have too. How should I be able to choose between someone who I know for sure will never abandon me, and someone who shows me who I am? I lost myself and I realize that I didn't lose myself to my past, my trauma or my pain. I lost myself to him. He shows me who I am without trying. Returns my confidence my self awareness, my whole identity. My feelings. True and deep. Reminds me that I feel everything, not just love and pain. He makes me flustered, confused, happy, confident, nervous, happy, sarcastic, witty, competitive and true. I'm back to myself with him. He is what I value most. He is smart, funny, sarcastic, charming, strong, adorable, and everything I need. He understands me entirely and is compassionate, he is always honest. To a point of brutality, but I love that about him. How is it fair, that I'm laying awake knowing that I have to give him up but at the same time, I have loved him for years. I always return to him. I love him. And I cannot have him because I also love someone else. Deeply truly and honestly. I know other people think I shouldn't love him and that I should love the other, but I can't leave him, not ever. I can't be without him.