Torn

Stuck

STUCK

My plan of avoiding the girl had gone fine for a few days. And by few days I meant four days.  The fifth day I heard of a new girl in Georgia's class who looked like 'a nun lost her way over to the Church and got depressed'. At lunch Georgia pointed out the girl and I literally closed my eyes and opened them to see if I was lucky enough to be hallucinating. No such luck. As my bad luck would have it, the girl was in one of my classes too. Now it was just stretching it. One look at her and the history department in my brain went crazy. Pictures after pictures, memory after memory that broke the strength in me. Third day in the second week I think I had a nightmare that was the worst of what I had  had so far, I woke up and heard screams of my mother in the still air, giving me an anxiety attack.

Right now I am sitting in the class, the head of the girl clearly in my line of vision, and I am doing just fine. No not really. It takes all of my mental strength and control to avoid panicking. Wondering how I managed to come from the point of having anxiety attacks to the point of being in the same row as that girl?  Like I managed the last time. I thought 'I was a kid back then when I firstly learnt the art of shutting things and people out, this should be no big deal.' So here we are. It wouldn't be difficult for most people. I think the girl herself didn't want her to be noticed. Like she was so ready for the walls to take her in and not let the world noticed she walked the same ground as them. But I don't know why my eyes had the frantic need of accidently landing up on her, and my mind had the urgent need of over thinking about her every damn time. I was tired. I needed to take control over my body. I had started practising meditation. It was another secret. It sounded so lame. But when my coach asked me personally what was wrong and I ended up telling him I was having nightmares and something disturbed me mentally, he suggested yoga and I took his advice.

I just realized I was over thinking about over thinking about that girl. Ugh. So I force myself to pay attention to what Mr. Hamilton has to say.

"You will be pairing up for this project. And I will pair you guys." Collective groans.

"It's a new year and new beginning. Give it a go. Make new friends. So let's start making pairs. Ellie, you go with Becky. Cane, you go with...." it dragged on. Until my name came.

"Jake, you are to work with Brookline." I probably looked lost so he pointed out to the girl. "Stand up Brookline. Brookline, Jake. Jake, Brookline. You are to work together. Moving on, Derek, you work with..."

I just looked at her. I don't know what I looked like, but the girl was looking at me and she looked unhappy, to say at the very least. And I was definitely standing from the shock.