Demi's P.O.V
Anger. Frustration. Sadness. Panic. Fury. All these emotions basically describe me. How could I of been so fucking stupid?! 4 years apparently meant nothing to him. I'm on the other side of the world, not even halfway through the European leg of my world tour and he calls and Skypes me everyday but the ONE DAY that was the most important, what do I get? Nothing. No Skype request, no phone call, no tweet, not even a text. It's 5:03am in the fucking morning and I waited until the day was officially over to freak out about this. I have a show tonight and I haven't slept. I'm going to fucking kill him. Did he not care about our anniversary? But wait before I left he was going on about how unfortunate it is we won't be together on our anniversary. He cared, didn't he? But if he did he would've called. I'm used to not being cared about but not from him. I overheard him one day talking to Eddie about how all he cared about was making me happy. Was that just a lie to help Eddie believe he had changed? Had he not changed? Wait shut up Demi, of course he changed. He's dedicated 4 years of his life to you, he loves you. If he loved me why didn't he call?
'That's because he doesn't love you.'
'You're nothing to him.'
'He is just using you.'
'Why would anyone love you?'
'You're NOTHING.'
No no NO. Make it stop. Make them stop. Please. Just stop.
I found myself curled up in a ball covering my ears with my hands. I hadn't heard the voices in a while. They were toxic to me. It was like holding a gun to my head waiting to pull the trigger. If I let them get to me, the trigger would be the cause of a mass destruction. He had loved me. That's why the voices had gone. But now they're back. He doesn't love me.
'You don't deserve love.'
'You don't deserve anything.'
'He never loved you, he never will.'
'He felt sorry for you.'
'Sorry that you're not skinny enough.'
'No one will ever love you.'
"STOP. PLEASE. I GET IT. I KNOW. STOP. YOU'RE HURTING ME. PLEASE."
I was screaming out loud. That didn't help the voices. They got louder each time I became louder. Drowning my voice in theirs, yet all they could project was whispers.
'You deserve to be hurting.'
'This is all your fault.'
'If you weren't so fat, maybe someone would love you.'
I gave in. They're right. No one had ever loved me like Wilmer did. Why did I ever think it was real? It was just too good to be true. He visited me every weekend in Treatment. Probably to see if I was getting fatter and to see if I was strong enough for deal with him breaking up with me. But he never did. I was too weak to handle anything. I was vulnerable. When someone 'loves' you at your most vulnerable, it becomes like a drug. You depend on it to survive.
'You can't survive anymore.'
'Wilmer never wanted you.'
'Now you can stop trying.'
'What have you got left?'
"Nothing." I had no sanity left. Everything was a blur. Blood pumped through my veins aggressively. My head felt like it was about to combust. Nothing seemed real. The numbness had taken over. I hadn't felt like this in so long. Everything was going good. Some days were a struggle but easy enough to get through, but right now I felt 17 again. The wave of depression choking me in the dark. Just me and the voices taunting my thoughts. Possessing every part of me until I couldn't fight anymore. Like a robot, I stood up and headed towards the bathroom. I wasn't thinking. I never thought in these situations.
I searched on the wall with me trembling fingers for the light switch. The light of my bathroom in the hotel room buzzed and flickered as the blinding beam of light hit me in the face. I stumbled back at the force of the brightness, squinting as my eyes hungrily searched for something sharp. I was empty. In a trance. I had no strength, no willpower, just guilt for being so fucking stupid to think someone could even try to love me.
I laid eyes on my toiletries bag. I could see something glinting in the light. I dived from one side of the bathroom to the other in utter desperation. My foot buckled underneath me as I caught a grip of the bag and crashed onto the laminate flooring as the contents of my bag flew across the room.
I was a fucking joke. I had gone from being on top of the world to being a monster in a day. I wasn't like that anymore. Was I? I couldn't go back to being the girl with the self-destruct button.
I lay helplessly curled up in a ball and let my tears flood the floor. Tears turned into crying. Crying turned into sobbing. Sobbing turned into screaming.
"Demi? Demi are you ok? Where are y- oh my god Demi."
I heard footsteps scramble along the bathroom floor and felt soft arms weave their way into my protective ball and pull me into a hard embrace.
"N-Natalie, I d-don't know w-what happened. I'm s-so sorry. I didn't m-mean for this to h-happen."
"Demi it's ok. Breathe, just breathe. Let it out. Talk to me. I'm here and I'm not leaving. Please tell me you didn't do anything?"
"N-no I never. I'm so stupid. I nearly r-ruined everything because he didn't call. The v-voices came back and I c-couldn't cope. I'm so l-lost."
My blubbering was decreasing but the lump in my throat felt like it was swelling and I couldn't breathe.
"Good. That's good to hear. You don't know how relieved I am to hear that. Sweetie, you're not lost you just read the map wrong. You took a detour but the road is straight ahead of you."
"WHY DIDNT HE CALL NATALIE? WHY DIDNT HE CALL?!"
Natalie stroked my sweat soaked hair trying to calm me down.
"I don't know Demi." She sighed. "I really don't know."
"See the stone set in your eyes,
See the thorn twist in your side,
I wait for you."
Everything froze. We both stared at my phone that was vibrating on the desk. We both knew the song. It was OUR song. Which only meant one thing.
It was him.
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OOH FIRST CLIFFHANGER JASFKAFJK. I THINK IM GONNA IN SOME WAY RUSH THROUGH DILMER BC IM SO EAGER TO REVEAL WHATS GOING TO FUCK THIS FANFIC UP OMG ANYWAY I HOPE U GUYS LIKE THIS CHAPTER AND YEAH PLEASE GIVE ME FEEDBACK. OH BTW IF U ARE WONDERING WHAT THE SONG IS ITS With Or Without You - U2.
Next Update: Friday
