calum's song // malum au

13%

quick A/N, i wrote this while listening to sleep by citizen so you might wanna listen to that song while reading this bc a lot of the lines are lyrics yep xx

-

decmber 13, 2014

dear calum,

remember when we both fell asleep on the floor because your ex boyfriend broke up with you and you wre so broken, so we sat on my kitchen floor and ate ice cream out of the carton? then you fell asleep with your head on my lap and i fell asleep against the doors to the cabinets. then i left early the next morning before you made me stay all day.

you spent so many days alone because of me. maybe that was a reason you killed yourself. i'll make it up for you by killing myself, sweetheart. and you and all your friends were right about me all along, im not good for you, babe. i never have been and never will be. i should have never convinced you i was.

i can't sleep anymore. i'm getting sick and tired of the smile i fake every day. everyone keeps asking, "do you sleep anymore?" and i lie and smile, nodding and saying yes, even though its so obvious i haven't slept in a week. i keep reminiscing on the memories we've shared.

i would love to be patient, but i just won't wait. i have to end it now, you know? and im getting sick and tired of the smile i fake every day. i would love to speak my mind, but i can't think straight. i would love to feel alive again but im not used to change. im literally losing my mind over you.

'do you sleep anymore?' no, i dont sleep anymore is how i want to respond, because truly i don't. 

and if it makes you feel better, i'll be on my way. and all this time i sit around and think, but there's nothing to say. nothing will excuse what you or i have done. and if you want to feel better, i'll stay out of your way when i get there. and i would love to feel alive again but i guess that can wait.

i love you, cal.

-mikey xx