On the Wolfgang: A Balderdash Burphy Short Story

No Howlers Here

This story is based on a twisted version of a famous quote that is attributed to everyone from an American-Indian to a Zulu warrior to a wolf to Paulo Coelho. Only The Buddha and Morgan Freeman have been spared by those guilty of such attribution.

To know who Burphy is, how he is a law enforcement officer but not a policeman, and why he has named himself after a confectionery delight, please read THUD-ALL.

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"Cleopatra," Burphy said to his smart-assistant as he paced his corner office in the Law Enforcement Office. Chowkilal and Kiran looked on in astonishment. Never had Burphy been this worked up and they didn't know what made him so fidgety. The bribes were coming in thick and fast, no cats, band-aids, books or shopping carts were reported stolen and to top it off, the policemen were taking care of the real cases. And so, when Burphy paced the dimly lit room, the two sidekicks looked at each other and at Burphy in a manner typical of confused people.

"Sir," Kiran spoke only for Burphy to raise and hold his palm in front of his face. "Sir, what is bothering you?" Kiran said nonetheless and invited a well-deserved scowl from an irritated Burphy.

"I asked you to remain silent," Burphy said, "and you have the audacity to speak? Insubordination is something I can't tolerate the least bit."

"I am sorry, sir. I thought you asked me to talk to your hand. That's why I spoke to it and even looked at the palm while speaking," Kiran reasoned.

"I like how you are always thinking out of the box," Burphy walked up to Kiran and patted him on the shoulder. "Now, son. Tell me. How can you help me?"

"Idiot," a seductive voice that was completely unsuitable for the occasion came from behind. "Cleopatra! Keep quiet. I am trying to get something done here," Burphy commanded and Cleopatra went into sleep mode with an annoyed "Hmph Hmph."

"She thinks she is my wife. Always calling me an idiot," Burphy shook his head and placed his hand on Kiran's shoulder. "Boy, tell me how to get this done."

"Get what done sir?" Kiran said, clueless.

"Good question. A stray wolf killed a guard at the border of the woods. It looks like they sparred for a while. The two then paused their battle when a heavy wind blew, so they could protect their eyes from the dust swept up by the gust. Once the wind subsided, the man leaned into the wolf and said something to it. The annoyed wolf hooted and pounced on him before ripping his Adam's apple off."

"Sir," Chowkilal said, "Cleopatra is snorting."

"What? Cleopatra! Keep your shenanigans to yourself. I am busy here," Burphy turned towards the contraption that was now a riot of colours. She also made several strange beeping sounds. This sound and light show annoyed Burphy. "Stop laughing. I am trying to solve a case here."

"Of a hooting wolf, you dork?" Cleopatra taunted him. "And I am assuming you suspect that a howling owl is involved." Chowkilal and Kiran held back a snort.

"Alright you got me! Wolves don't owl. I mean, wolves don't hoot. They owl. I mean, they howl," Burphy blabbered.

"You are truly Balderdash," Cleopatra said and snoozed for the second time.

"Now, Kiran. Let's ignore her. We have a CCTV grab that shows the two facing off and then the guy saying something. We need to establish a motive for the murder and let the Police department know."

"A motive for a wild animal killing a person, sir?" Chowkilal interjected. "It is very unusual."

"I know," Burphy said. "Under normal circumstances, I would've avoided getting into this by simply saying animals hunt. But here, the wolf was annoyed by that blackguard. We need to know what he said that prompted the animal to maul him. This is Law Enforcement, Chowkilal. And I am LEO Burphy. I can't rest until a motive is established."

"I know," Kiran said and jumped to his feet. "Before that sir, what is the guard's name?"

"Fate," said Burphy plainly.

"I am sorry sir. I didn't mean to ask you what caused his untimely death," Kiran said apologetically. Burphy shook his head vigorously.

"That's not an issue at all, my boy. I don't care abut hierarchies. I am quite agile. The guard's name is Fate. He was born on a full-moon day at the very peak of Saturn's influence on his mother's zodiac. Within ten days of his birth his father lost a major customer and a concubine, the family lost a cow and a lightning burnt down the thatched roof of their house. When they consulted their family astrologer, he said it is all owing to fate and so, they named him Fate."

Kiran inhaled deeply and took the story in. He closed his eyes, switched between the story of the guard and the CCTV grab, the scenes playing out in a split-screen mode inside his head. In a moment, he opened his eyes, straightening his shirt and said, "A heavy breeze blows and the guard and the wolf go apart. The guard with a staff in hand feels like a warrior and a poet at the same time. He inhales a generous amount of air and thinks of himself to be one with the blowing breeze. He leans into the wolf and says something as the wind violently ruffles its fur. Rings a bell?"

"Yes," said an excited Burphy. "Fate whispered to the wolf - You can't withstand the storm. Right?"

"I am humbled by your genius, sir. It is a privilege to be your understudy," Kiran said with earnest humility while Cleopatra snorted condescendingly. "The guard, Fate, whispered to the wolf. The wolf stared at him with all his might and..."

"But wait Kiran," Burphy interrupted. "That's not how it is supposed to end. Shouldn't the wolf be saying, 'I am the Storm,' to the warrior?"

"Again sir, you are a genius. But the wolf wasn't one. He simply howled and pounced on the man because he didn't understand."

Burphy heaved a sigh of relief. "When I leave this post, Kiran, you will be the new Law Enforcement Chief," he said and proceeded to record the motive in the case file.

Fate whispered to the wolf 'I am the storm.' The wolf simply howled because he didn't know English.