Colonel Seeders' Mail Order Bride, Hank

34 Hank

Hank:

***

Hank looked up at Hawk, his vision blurred by his tears. How could Hawk think he didn't care? Everything he did was for him. He worked hard to give him everything he could ever need. He might not have loved Lilly, but he cared. He cared when she fell pregnant. He did everything to make her as comfortable as he could. More than he did with Michelle. Yet she threw it all back in his face when she went after other men. She didn't care about him and he pushed his family away for her.

But it went deeper than that.

He couldn't face his brothers when they spoke about the twins. He should have been the one to go out and save them. Instead he stayed in his warm house, safely away from the storm. He should have gone out to go look for them as Xander suggested. He could have brought them all home. He couldn't face the accusation in their eyes. Couldn't face the guilt at leaving them out in the cold for twenty-four hours to freeze to death.

The only reason he worked hard, hardly stayed home, even in summer when he took Hawk hunting and fishing... He couldn't bear being home and remembering them. Talking about them brought up memories he did not want to think about. It made him feel emotions that he did not want to feel.

In the list that he made for Michelle, he left out his true feelings. Feelings buried deep inside. Feelings that now bubbled free.

"Dad. You couldn't have saved them even if you did risk your life to go after them. Simmons got to them before the temperature dropped. Granny and Grandpa hid Mark and Gavin with their bodies, but he still killed them before they froze. I heard it in his thoughts. He wants us all dead, because Grandpa's dad did something to him."

Hank stood up shaking his head. Simmons had nothing to do with it. They found nothing to suggest that anyone had anything to do with their deaths. As the oldest son, Master tracker for the military, he had a duty to perform and he failed. It was his job to look out for his brothers. To look out for his family.

"They were not a job, just like I'm not a job. The duty to protect the family laid with Grandpa, not you. He instructed you to look after Uncle Xander and Uncle Matteo. If you did what Uncle Xander asked, I wouldn't exist and they would have been dead too. Simmons would have killed you and then killed them. He would have done exactly what he planned on doing all along. Eradicate the family of the man that caused him harm. And don't ask me again where she is," Hawk said, hearing the question form before he could ask it. "Until you deal with your real issues, this misplaced guilt that keeps pushing people away, I will not tell you. You have until tonight to get over yourself and put the blame where it should be, on the man that hurt your wife and killed your parents and brothers, before those babies are born. Once that happens, you will never see any of them again and I will leave as well."

If Hawk left he would have nothing left to live for.

"It's time to grow a pair and deal with your shit. You're not mad at Michelle for leaving. You are pissed because you sent away the one woman that meant something to you. You don't feel guilty because you never went to help them. You're upset that you lost your parents and brothers. You've never mourned their loss because you blame yourself. You're not even pissed at Lilly for killing herself. You're just mad because she did it while you were gone and hurt me in the process. One operation and I'm fixed. She's still gone. Your parents and brothers are still gone and so is Mom.

"The only reason you sent her away was because you hoped to die. Well guess what Dad. You failed. She's not letting you die. She still loves you. She gave up half her life to make sure you wouldn't die, because she knew you were going to send her away. She saw it in a dream. I am not telling you where she is unless she needs our help and if she wants to leave after that, I will find a way to help her. I won't let you hurt her again. Hate me, don't hate me. I love my mother and I'll do what it takes to keep her safe, even from you."

All the memories he had pushed aside, stored in a box as Michelle said, came flooding back. It crippled him, drove him back to his knees, flooded his body in pain that left him numb and useless. He fell to the ground crying out in pain.

A flash of two young boys chasing after him, running almost as fast as he did. They'd been so fast and they still could not outrun that blood sucking demon.

A flash of his parents, laughing together as they sat by the kitchen table, joking with their sons. Love in their eyes and hearts for each boy.

His mom tucking them into bed, a belly full of babies. Just as big as Michelle, even though she only had two.

Michelle's beautiful face, crumbling she he told her to leave. She never argued, never begged him to listen. She just packed a bag and reminded him that she was only leaving because he told her to. She knew all along that he would send her away, even before he changed her, before he gave her his heart-fire. He'd seen it in her eyes, but he had been too blinded to recognise it for what it was.

Hawk's face came to mind next. The day he saw her for the first time. He told Hank she would stay. Hank never listened.

His words repeated over and over in his mind. He failed. Not as a father. Not as a husband. He failed at killing himself. He wanted to die because he felt guilty for not saving his brothers. Hawk was right. He would have died that day. If not from the cold, by the hands of Simmons himself. Hank let him live to save a woman under his control. He would never make that mistake again. Simmons will die, as soon as he found his wife and brought her home.

He ran out, shifting before he got to the front door, and flew around looking for her. She covered her tracks by flying around in circles. He taught he too well. She closed off her mind to him and kept all thoughts of her direction blocked from him as though she didn't know which way to go.

He gave up the search, knowing he would never find her. Instead, he flew back home to repair the damage he did to his family and friends.