Dying to be thin

Chapter 1

Ten stone six, 148.6lbs. How could I let myself be like this? How could I let myself get so fat? I am disgusting. I am worthless. 

I shove my fingers to the back of my throat and let the calories pour out into the toilet. Last nights dinner wasn't that nice anyway. 

"Lauren? Lauren!" my mum shouted from the bottom of the stairs. I picked myself up, wiped my mouth and lent against the sink looking into the mirror with pure disgust towards myself. 

"What?" I shouted weakly.

"Have you got any dirty washing?"

"No." I bluntly say,

"Well that makes a change."  she laughed to herself walking down stairs.

I wanted to tell her, I really did and I knew that she'd understand and be there for me but I just couldn't. Ever since her and dad split up she'd been breaking down in front of my very own eyes and I'd hate to see anything happen to her. I told myself that I'd tell her, when I was happy but there was something in my head telling me to keep going for a few more days to make sure that I looked like the girls in the magazines and to be what every guy wants, but what if she asked why? It was the girls at school and the girls in the magazines and boys telling us what we should look like and how we should act making me feel like i'm not good enough for anyone. 

Eight stone four, 117.9lbs. I'm getting somewhere. Finally I am beginning to look like the girls you see in Grazia and Vogue, but maybe if I carry on a bit longer i can be 'perfect'. I found a pro-ana website with tips on how to purge properly and how to make yourself look thinner with different clothing and make up. It was my idea of amazing and all of the girls on there were perfect. I heard my mum come storming up the stairs so I quickly shut my laptop as she threw herself through the door. 

"Lauren what's this about you refusing to do p.e? You love p.e now you tell me what's going on before I drag you into that school and make you talk to your head teacher." she screamed.

"My ankle was hurting, you know that."

"Yes Lauren, three weeks ago. You just wait until I tell Tom about this." she said sternly.

"Oh yeah, like dad will care. He's too busy down the pub with his mates worrying about which bird he's taking home next, mum you don't matter to him any more and neither do I, we never did."