"Now, after burying her son, she was lost and empty, and cried everyday."
DJ’S room looked so empty. Everything in his room was still, and just like he left it. The light was off and everything was darker and dim. His room had died when he did. All his energy and personality had drained from all his stuff. Nothing was lively and dancing anymore, it was all dead.
Suddenly, I could picture it. I could see him sitting on the edge of his bed, his head phones blasting in his ears and he would sit there swaying his head from side to side, mumbling the lyrics to himself, his eyes shut tight. He was in his own little world, before he was taken away from mine. My eyes flickered and my chest got heavy. I swallowed hard, sighing, telling myself not to choke up tears.
I rubbed the top of my cap. The one DJ gave to me. The one that was rose red and had big white initials on the front.
When I stepped outside, the town was quiet. No one (as I could see) was outside, and I felt like the only person in the world. I scanned everywhere, and everything seemed dead or dying.
“Sunshine!”
I knew who it was from his voice. It was too recognizable. I stood from my porch, leaning a bit so I could see the blue eyed boy sitting on his porch steps and gazing at me. I stepped down, walking over to him, my boots stomping into the muddy grass and water puddles. I sat down beside him, his crystal blue eyes blinking on me, quickly.
At first it was silent. It felt strange. Andy and I could never find a way to stop talking. We had always talked. Always. Now everything was still, and drained.
“You okay, now?” His voice was thick and heavy, as it rang in my ears. My eyes stayed on the ground, as I shook my head slowly.
I looked back up at him, worried I might miss his sparkling blue eyes. Andy’s eyes were blue. They often changed when he did. When he was happy and his cheeks were a burning hot red, his eyes would be diamond and solid. When he was angry or sad, I could see them slowly darken into a deep midnight color.
Andy had been my best friend since I was twelve. Though it wasn't long, our friendship seemed like forever. Andy was always there for me and I was there for him.
“I'm sorry, Sunshine.” I swallowed. It was okay, but it wasn't. I wanted to cry. My throat was dry and my eyes were puffy from all the tears I had cried in Tommy's arms.
Andy pulled me in more, and I felt that hard knot throbbing in my throat. My eyes were filling with big, blurry blobs, but I tried so hard not to cry again. I swallowed hard, wiping my eyes hurriedly, but I started shaking and the tears came anyway.
“Shh, don't cry. Shh.” Andy's voice was light and soft, yet I could hear the alarm in his voice.
The tears poured out, like waterfalls falling from my eyes. I kept wiping my cheeks and eyes, slightly hating myself for crying. Thinking about it now, I think that was the first time he had seen me bawl like that. Maybe this was all new to him; seeing his best friend break like that.
After a while, my nose was still stuffy but I had quit crying. I stared at Andy, his eyes gazing ahead but his palm still laid on my back. His eyes had a wide gleam in them, like he had zoned out.
“I don't think anyone's ever seen me cry like that, til’ now.”
I spoke suddenly. My voice seemed slightly unfamiliar, it was dry and low. The lost look on his face slowly fading as he looked down at me,
“Yeah...wait, you mean Tommy's never seen you cry like that?”
I shook my head slowly at the ground.
“It's been a long time since I cried.”
I admitted quietly. That's how it used to be. I used to hold in my emotions, and then break where no one could see me. I'd leave my room and no one would ask me if I was okay, because I'd wipe my eyes and throw water on my face, and that mad puffy look would be gone. No one had seen me cry like that, not even DJ.
“Oh.” He said quietly. I swallowed hard, wiping the wetness from my cheeks. Andy's arm fell over my shoulders, and he pulled me in again. I got this bubbly feeling inside, like I always did - no one had ever really hugged me like Andy had.
“You okay, now?” I shook my head slowly. I didn't think I'd ever be okay. DJ is gone and I can't come back from that. It's hard not seeing him everyday. It's lonely without him.
·*°ฯ*°¤
When I walked inside the house, mama was crying again. Her head was in her palms and her muffled sobs could be heard throughout the house. Tommy was sitting next to her, holding her and rocking her slowly. His eyes shot up at me when he heard me come in.
My mama used to be so happy. Her gums were big and her smile was bright. Her and DJ would always crack jokes and rag on Tommy and I, but that bright gleam in her eyes could change in a heart beat. She could be beaming and glowing one second, and blazing with anger the next. She ain't bipolar, it was just the stupid shit DJ would do that would send her through the roof. Like when she found out he was stealing. Her eyes blackened and her face went crimson. She even pushed him, and that was the first time she had touched him in a long time, but that was a long time ago. When he was here.
Man, she was so happy. Maybe the happiest person in the world. Now, after burying her son, she was lost and empty, and cried everyday.
I went to my room, scared to go comfort mama because I'd start crying too. I had cried enough that day.
I went to bed, trying not to think about him. Ever since he died, he had been on my mind.
I swaddled in the covers, and closed my eyes.
Don't think. Don't think. Don't think!
I shut my eyes, real tight. I tried to clear my mind.
I tried not to think about how we'd talk to each other. Like the way we could just be saying anything, and it only made sense to us. I tried not think about how he'd walk me to school, and all the kids would be so scared of him, and I was just happy to have him by my side. I tried not to think about how close we were, and how far apart we are now.
But I did think about him. I thought about him everyday. I wouldn't had gone to sleep that night, but then I cried myself to sleep. I cried so hard.
