Maybe It'll Never Happen

Chapter 19

I was pacing nervously back and forth backstage. I was the last act, but everyone before me put on a spectacular show. Right now was the two guys playing piano with no pants on. They called it "Look Ma, No Hands". I could hear the mixed reactions from laughter to disgust. They had set the bar pretty high for me.

I was wearing a blue buttoned up shirt and a suit around it. My bow tie was polka dotted with (you guessed it) turquoise accent six on a white background. I was debating on suspenders, but I decided not to.

As I kept pacing, I was just trying to calm myself. Not today, I said to myself. I was going to do this. I will be on top (everything I say is dirty, isn't it?).

When I heard the final applause, the sound of a piano being rolled off the stage, and curtains closing, I knew it was time. I took a deep breath, the red curtain opened, and I looked at the stage crew. They gave me an A-OK sign, and I ran onto the stage. I got an applause. I waved hello and took to the microphone.

   "How is everyone tonight?" I shouted. A wild noise reverberated throughout the auditorium.

   "Great. I'm James Ignis. And I'm a comedian." More noise and cheering.

   "Everyone's in a good mood tonight. Let's begin." I said. Cheering echoed once more.

   "First, I'm going to tell you how I work. First the scenario, then the juice. I mean, punch line. Got it?"

   "Got it!" the crowd shouted.

   "Great, 'cause you know I've always liked geologists. You know who they are? They are scientists who basically study rocks. And I know that's probably the worst field, am I right? Anyway, there is an upside though. It's that they're the only scientist that like it when their work is taken for granite." I said. Laughter echoed.

   "And you know who are the funniest people on Earth? Kids. Their mixture of innocence and stupidity is hilarious, I tell you. Like I keep hearing a story about this boy whose parents won't let him sleep with him at night. So, naturally, the boy says: 'But Daddy's a big boy and he doesn't sleep alone!'" More laughter.

   "And I also remember this wedding I went to. A girl asks her mom why the bride I wearing all white. Naturally, the mom explains how white is the symbol of happiness and such. Quickly, the girl asks: 'Mommy, if white is the symbol of happiness, why is the groom in all black?'" Even more laughter.

   "Enough about kids. Let's move up and pick on the teens shall we? I have a sister and she thinks I'm the nosiest person in exsistence. Well, at least that's what she says in her diary." Laughter kept on ensuing.

   "And we all know grown-ups have their flaws. They think kids are too young to understand things even if they were once them, am I right?" The audience agreed with nods of heads and a few yesses.

   "Like, I remember, my teacher in third grade, Mrs. Scott asking me: James, do you use bad words? And I would say no. She'd ask again, do you disobey your parents? And I would say no. She'd finally ask, do you do anything bad. And I would answer, I tell lies." Laughter filled the auditorium. I couldn't believe it.

   "But that's no the only thing," I continued, "they're not as smart at times as well. Like my friend's father who was looking for a lawyer. He says to the lawyer: How much would you charge to answer three simple questions? The lawyer answers: Nine hundred dollars. The father replies: That's alot, isn't it? And the lawyer answers: Yes. Yes it is. [Pause for dramatic effect] Now what's your third question?" Laughter was echoing like there was no tomorrow. I saw people falling out of their chairs. But I had one more up my sleeve.

   "All right folks! One more then it's time for me to end." I shouted. The audience pouted in defiance.

   "Don't worry, we've got one left called a stacker. One person says something, then others just pile on. Got it? Let us begin!" I shouted. The audience cheered with glee.

   "So an officer pulls over a man and says: Congratulations! You are the thousandth person to drive through on this road! You've just won a thousand dollars! What are you going to do with the money? The driver answers: I'm gonna use the money to get my driver's license. His wife next to him interjects: Sorry officer, he's a bit of a smartallack when he's drunk. A man sleeping in the back suddenly wakes up and shouts in anger: Argh! I knew we weren't gonna get that far in a stolen car! You hear a muffling sound from the trunk: Are we across the border yet?!" The crowd went berserk. I had gotten them.

   "That's all folks!" I said, waving goodbye, exiting stage left.

I had done it. I had won over some fans.