she | rilaya

chapter four;

riley matthews

when i got home from the ice cream place, i was really happy. the happiest i had been in a long time. my mood shifted completely when i saw my mom on the couch. she looked furious.

"where were you?" she demanded through gritted teeth. she was in a bad mood. she was always in a bad mood lately. i learned that it was better to just go along with what she was saying. it caused less problems.

"i was getting ice cream. i'm sorry. i should've texted," i said quickly.

"well, you didn't. you never do anything right! why do i have to have you as a daughter? you want to like girls. you want to kill yourself. you want to make yourself bleed. and now you want to do whatever you want. you're so selfish. why can't you just be like auggie. he tells me when he leaves the house. he likes who he's supposed to like. he doesn't drink bleach at two in the morning when everyone's asleep!" she ranted, getting closer and closer to me. her words felt like a kick in the gut. "now get away from me!" she screamed, close enough to my face that i felt her spit.

i was frozen. my legs wouldn't move. i just stood there, staring at my feet. "look at me, you little bitch. i said to get out of here!" she slapped me across the face, and i stumbled away from her and over to my room.

when i got to my bed, i broke down. i sobbed into my pillow until i couldn't cry anymore. every single day i wished my mom was more like my dad. i wished she loved me for who i was instead of trying to force me to be a perfect child. why wasn't i enough?

i headed for the bathroom, and stared at my face in the mirror. my eyes were red and puffy, and there was a red mark on my cheek from where she hit me. it was normally worse. tomorrow, i could put some makeup on and no one would ever notice.

that night when i went to sleep, i felt numb. i couldn't feel the pain. i couldn't feel my happiness from earlier. i couldn't feel anything. i smiled to myself. maybe feeling numb is what i need to feel to get though life.

--

as i sat down next to maya in history the next day, she was drawing. this time, it looked like a person. she shut her notebook before i could see who it was, and turned towards me.

"i have a question for you," she announced.

"i have one for you, too," i replied. lucas looked pissed, and i hadn't seen them talk so far today. i was curious about it, since they always seemed like a perfect couple. "you go first."

"okay. is that babysitting thing today?" i nodded and she smiled. "so, are we going to walk to your house together?" i nodded again.

"yeah. my brother will come home a little after we get there," i explained. "i was going to ask... i'm sorry if it's personal, but are you two fighting?" i nodded towards lucas, and she looked down at her feet.

"yeah. we had a small fight yesterday. the normal stuff. it was my fault. i freaked out for no reason. i just feel so suffocated recently," she added, pushing her nails into her palm. i grabbed her hands in mine before she drew any blood.

"that's okay. i feel like that sometimes too. it's part of my anxiety, but everyone can feel it sometimes. it's not your fault, i promise," she blushed as i spoke, grinning like she couldn't help it. when my dad walked in i let go and faced foward, but she slid her hand in one of mine, and interlocked our fingers. my stomach erupted with butterflies, but i kept looking ahead.

"okay, class, you know how we're learning about change?" my dad asked. a couple people answered him, and he nodded before continuing. "well, today i decided to change up another thing. i have an appointment, so my wife, topanga, is going to watch the class. i'll see all of you tomorrow," he waved at the class before leaving, and in walked my mom. i tensed up immediately, and maya squeezed my hand. i dropped her hand and slumped down in my seat. she did the same, leaning closer to me.

"you okay?" she whispered, concern clouding her eyes. i smiled at her weakly.

"i'm fine... i just didn't expect to see my mom at school. that's all," i lied, praying she'd believe me. i didn't want to go into the details.

"are you sure?" she asked, leaning in a bit closer. i blushed and moved away.

"i'm fine," i repeated. i looked up and was met with a nasty look from my mom. i tensed again, and maya didn't ask this time. she just looked over, concerned, before starting to doodle as always. i stared straight ahead, and pretended to focus for the rest of class.

--

maya hart

riley and i walked out of school together, and i knew i'd get a lot of shit for it. i didn't care at the moment. she took over all my thoughts. we passed by lucas as we were leaving, and i didn't even look at him. riley's words made me feel less worthless. maybe it was his fault and not mine.

we stopped at her building, and she grabbed my hand and pulled me towards the fire escape. i looked down at our hands, and a smile crept onto my face. i didn't understand how someone could control my mood like that. i had never felt like that before.

we sat down at her bay window for the second time. i was more comfortable than the first time, which was only a couple days ago. a lot can happen in a few days.

i met her eyes, golden brown and addicting to stare into. i cleared my throat and looked down at my lap.

"so, when does your brother come home?" i asked, distracting myself from staring at her. i glanced around her room. it looked like she hasn't changed anything since she was twelve, and for some reason, that made me like her more.

"ten minutes at the most. so that means we have ten minutes all to ourselves," she smiled at me. i continued to look around her room, noticing that the rose i drew her was sitting on her bedside table, along with a couple baby pictures. i walked over and picked up a picture of her, probably around eight, holding a baby.

"oh my god. that's so embarrassing. i was the ugliest kid ever," riley blushed, giggling at the picture in my hands.

"you mean the cutest! look at you!" i set it down and flopped down on her bed, which made her laugh again.

"no way. auggie definitely got the looks," she joked. she joined me on the bed, lying down and turning to face me. "thanks for coming. i know it's a favor, or something, but still."

"you really don't have to thank me," i replied, grinning. "maybe i'm just using this as an excuse to hang out with you," i winked. even though i spoke the words out loud, actually thinking about them was strange. i was glad when she asked me to come over. riley was a girl i hated a couple days ago, but somehow i wanted to be around her more than anybody else.