Breathless

Writer's Block

God, why was this so difficult?

Autumn sunlight streamed through the window, casting uneven shadows on Todd's notebook as he sat on his bed, racking his brain for words that could somehow encapsulate how he felt.

Normally, he didn't have issues like this when it came to his poetry. Nature, freedom, truth— for any other topic, words seemed to flow directly onto the page, as if he hardly needed to try at all.

But this was different. This was Neil.

Neil. Even thinking the name was enough to make Todd's stomach explode with butterflies and his heart pound in his chest. He honestly couldn't tell if he was lucky or unlucky to have this boy as his roommate, this boy whose smile and eyes lingered in his head for hours, relentlessly distracting him from anything and everything.

No words seemed good enough to describe Neil. Nothing seemed to do him justice, to articulate just how goddamn perfect he was to Todd. And although Todd was certain that this poem would never be shared, for some reason that made it all the more important to get right. At least he had at least another ten minutes before Neil got back from rehearsal.

Suddenly, the door opened, and there he was.

Todd's face flushed pink as Neil entered the room, script in hand, grinning. He was back early. Neil shut the door behind him and pressed his back up against it, closing his eyes and sighing contentedly. "Todd, I swear to God, this is what I want to do for the rest of my life."

Paranoid as he was that Neil would see the title of the poem that was sitting in his lap, Todd couldn't hold back a smile. "Neil, I'm so happy for you."

"I'll follow you, I'll lead you about a round, through bog, through bush, through brake, through brier," Neil recited, ecstatic, dropping his script and running right up to Todd with that smile that made his knees go weak, "Sometime a horse I'll be, sometime a hound, a hog, a headless bear, sometime a fire!"

Todd laughed, Neil's joy was more infectious than anything he had ever known before. He was so lost in Neil's excitement that he almost forgot about the notebook in his lap, until—

"Hey, have you been writing? What about?"

Todd panicked, grabbing the notebook and pressing it up against his chest. "Um, I— it's nothing," he stammered. The last thing he needed was for Neil to find out... well, everything.

"Don't be embarrassed, Todd, I'm sure it's great. Remember your poem in Mr. Keating's class? You're a natural." Neil said kindly, sitting down next to him on the bed.

"Um.. it's not finished yet... I..." Todd scrambled to come up with an explanation, gripping the notebook against his chest for dear life, trying to ignore the fact that Neil was sitting so close to him, let alone where they were sitting.

Neil smirked at him, making Todd's breath catch in his throat. "Okay," Neil said cheekily, as if he was hiding something. He began to stand up, and Todd finally began to relax, when suddenly—

Neil grabbed the notebook out of Todd's hands and Todd's stomach dropped. Shit!

Neil started running to the other side of the room, and Todd chased after him in a panic. "Neil, please, give it back!" he begged, not wanting Neil to see the title on the page, really not wanting Neil to see the little hearts. He was so focused on his task that he completely forgot that Neil had dropped his script on the floor.

Just as Neil turned back to look at him, grinning, Todd tripped over Neil's script and stumbled, falling forward. Seeing the shock on the other boy's face as he started to fall, Neil reacted without even thinking, reaching out and grabbing Todd, preventing him from falling and dropping the notebook in the process.

It had all happened so fast, Todd could barely believe the moment was real. Neil's left arm was firmly grabbing his, and his right arm was wrapped around the small of Todd's back. And on top of all that, their faces were barely a few inches apart. Todd was suddenly breathless.

The eye contact was electric, intense, and unblinking. Neil's eyes flickered down to Todd's lips for not even half a second, and Todd's knees went so weak that he silently thanked God that Neil was already holding him up.

Todd could barely process reality as he became aware of Neil's breath against his lips and holy shit he's so close and his heart was pounding as he realized the three inches between their faces had shrunk down to two... one...

"N-Neil," he began to stammer, but he could barely form the word before Neil's lips were on his.
It was like nothing Todd had ever felt before, like fireworks and electricity deep inside him. Never in his wildest dreams had he imagined he would ever actually get to kiss Neil Perry, and here he was, lips soft and full and delicious, kissing him back more passionately than Todd could have ever dreamed. He felt intoxicated, his knees completely buckling from under him, Neil's vice grip on his back tighter than ever. Todd never wanted this to end.

The kiss couldn't have lasted longer than ten seconds, but when the two boys finally pulled apart Todd could have sworn that it lasted at least ten minutes. Dizzy, flustered, and breathless, Todd almost refused to believe that they really just kissed, but when he opened his eyes, there was Neil, looking just as stunned and red-faced as him.

'Neil?" Todd said softly, hesitantly, looking up into the other boy's eyes. "Did that really just happen? Did— did you just kiss me?"

Neil nodded, staring so intently at Todd that he almost felt Neil could see inside his head. "You... you kissed me back."

"Of course I kissed you back," Todd breathed out, unable to hold back with Neil still holding him like this. "I thought— I mean, I never wanted to assume that you were—"

"I know. I know. I didn't either—"

"But this means you are—"

"Yes, Todd, I am gay, and—"

Neil was cut off by Todd's eager lips on his this time, and he melted into the kiss, Todd suddenly feeling vastly more sure of himself than he did a minute ago.

When the kiss broke, Neil's eyes stayed shut for half a second longer, as if he was trying to process that this was reality, his breaths coming slow and heavy.

"Todd... I... I've wanted this for so long," he finally said, opening his eyes to look at the blond boy.

"You too?" Todd asked breathlessly, still in disbelief.

"Yeah," Neil said, unable to keep himself from smiling. "I feel like I need to pinch myself."

"So do I," said Todd, before suddenly realizing the possible consequences of this. "Neil, but what about your father?"

Neil's brow furrowed, concerned, before he suddenly and decidedly shook his head. "No. Fuck my father, he's not taking this away from me too."

"Are you sure?"

"More than I've ever been."

Todd looked at Neil for a moment, and his mind began to buzz through the realm of possibilities opening up before him now that his feelings were confirmed to be reciprocal. Holy shit. Is this heaven?

"So..." Todd said knowingly, confidence rising. "There's nobody else in here."

Neil raised his eyebrows. "That's true," he started, a smirk forming on his lips. "What do you suggest we do?"

Todd's heart skipped a beat, enjoying the building tension. "Clearly, what we should always aim to do." He looked directly into Neil's eyes. "Seize the day."

"Well, I can't argue with that," Neil breathed out, pressing his forehead against Todd's. "Carpe diem."

And with that, they were kissing again, and Todd knew that from now on, he would never run out of words when it came to describing Neil. This poem had practically written itself.