Euphoria

e.

I have always felt so out of place in this world, sometimes I feel like I shouldn't be existing at all. If I should make a decision, should I kill myself? I don't think anyone will care at the end of the day. I feel so weak as tears are falling through my cheeks, and I should not feel this horrible, I should not feel this bad, I should not feel this pain at all. I live a happy life; I live such a good moment in my family, so why do I feel so incomplete? The darkness is fulfilling my existence; it's not easy to think of myself as someone who deserves happiness.

Why? Why am I feeling so sad? No, sad is not the right word. I feel completely depressed, useless, out of me, I think I have some monster resting in my back, waiting for me to give in and jump from this bridge.

I already wrote a suicide letter and left it on the upper drawer of my nightstand, I know I'll break my mother's heart but I just... don't care. I don't care about others people's feelings anymore, it's like I'm blank, my mind can't think of all the lives I'm partially ruin. 

Well, I shrugged as look at my side, the city of Seoul looks incredible pretty, the skyscrapers are one of a kind, so tall, full of lights, shining bright; the contrast with my emotions is incredible. I'm here standing in the dark while Seoul is full of light, activities and dreams, should I think this through? I shook my head... no, this is what I'm supposed to do; this is what this monster in my head is telling me.

Never thought my life will turn out this way; when I was a child I thought I was going to be a professional happy architecture, I used to love drawing, it was one of favorite hobbies, and I have always thought I would be able to design and built my family's house so my mom and dad could live happily there; guess that won't happen anytime soon. As I was growing up I start to wonder what the meaning of me being alive was. If it was really worthy. I hadn't done anything extraordinary to be called worthy of living, so why am I living anyway? I started to lose desires of even standing up from bed, I used to cry all the time because I felt useless, ashamed, I felt like an alien and I used to think everyone was judging me, I felt extra insecure and dark.

But it was my problem only, that was only the perspective I had; my school life, my "social" life is so well, girls would go around me, confessing to me, telling me they were in love, that would love to spend time with me, although deep inside I didn't care about that and I don't care about that; I used to smile at them sweetly and tell them I wasn't interest in that moment and that I was having some other priorities. My friends were all on me, completely disappointed for rejecting such a pretty girls, but they didn't know what I was going through, they didn't know my smile was fake, that my teasing was all made up, a simple cover to hide my destroyed self.

Now I understand how some people who suffer depression literally go around pretending everything is fine when inside they are screaming for help, for someone who cares, even if outside we are just close to mention what is happening to us to people, including our love ones, and that is why we don't say anything, because we think we might annoy someone with our problems.

I pressed my hands on the cold rail and I automatically pressed my feet on the lower rail so my body was a little higher this time but now I'm backing down, is this the right thing to do? Am I really not that ready for help? Am I taking the right decision? Finishing my life is the answer to end this pain? What about if there is an actual solution? Maybe if I talk to my mother... maybe if I talk to my best friend, maybe I talk to that teacher who is really found of me to the point she always give me extra points for extra answers, maybe just... maybe, if someone stops here and asks me what is wrong, I might just cry on their arms and just ask for help.