Gut Punch

Loss, it's like a punch to the gut, sometimes it doesn't hurt then other times it's like you take another hit and it hurts like hell, other times it's like a dull ache. That's the thing with loss, sometimes you forget that you felt or have loss, forget the pain, the hurt, the emptiness that accompanies it... all of it. Then, sometimes, it's all you can ever feel and you can't remember a time when you didn't feel it. And that's what losing family is like. Sometimes you wish you could take their place, that way their loss is never felt, other times you get so angry at them for leaving that you feel guilty. Sometimes you want to curl up in a ball and disappear or cry yourself dry, cry the pain away, other days you forget that they're gone... forget that they left you behind and expect them to walk through the door, to comfort you, at any moment, but then the reality hits... it hits you like a ton of bricks and your heart sinks achingly and you don't know how to breathe or even think without them. That's how I felt when Snart finally let me out of the hold on the waverider and told me what he done to my brother, to Mick. Mick had been there for me my whole life, and because he made a decision to save the ship, save the crew, they punished him for it. If it was anyone else on the waverider who made that decision they would have been given the benefit of doubt and they wouldn't have been banished the way Mick was. I couldn't look at Snart, I couldn't look at any of them. I had to get away, leave them all behind, I was so angry at them, especially Snart. How could he do that to Mick, to me, he knows what Mick means to me and I know what Mick means to Snart, I wasn't mad at him for volunteering to take my brother – I would rather that Snart done that than Rip - I was mad at him for not defending him while I was lying unconscious in the MedBay. I locked myself in his room and cried, I cried hard. I looked over at the present that Mick had left for me because we lost track of what day or month we were on with all of the time travelling and he feared he'd missed my birthday. I couldn't bring myself to open it let alone look at it, but I couldn't throw it out either, it's the last thing my big brother gave me...

"Miss Rory, Mr Snart is outside the door, shall I let him in?" Great. The last thing I want is to see or speak to anyone, especially Snart. Why won't he just leave me to mourn my brother in peace? Snart's voice came over the intercom "Remi, come on, open the door. Let me explain! Let me talk to you!" "Gideon, lock the door, I don't want to talk to anyone. Especially Snart." "Certainly, Miss Rory". Lying on Mick's bed with the intercom turned off is so quiet. It feels like it was just yesterday that Leonard, Lisa, Mick and I were all chilling out and having a laugh and a drink at the Hole in the Wall bar drinking beer and playing pool. Pool teams generally consisted of sibling's vs siblings or boy's vs girls, either way it generally ended with Mick or Leonard trying to cheat, Mick generally by slightly moving the white ball or Leonard very subtly putting you off with slight 'innocent' touches that make you question whether or not he actually touched me. I missed those days. Missed hanging out with Lisa. There was a bang on Mick's room door, I assumed that Snart had talked Palmer into using his Atom suit to try and break down the door.

I finally got up off Mick's bed and went over to his stash of old records that he must have taken when we went on one of your time travelling escapades. I doubted very much if Mick had even looked through them let alone listened to them. I pulled out one which looked vaguely familiar and placed it on the old record player that I had spent a month and a half trying to fix for Mick's birthday. It was highly unlikely that it would work but someone should try it out, right? The crackling of the record player as I turned it on and placed the needle at the start of the track was almost deafening in the stillness of the room. When the music began, it was quiet and subtle but eventually blues music echoed through the room and once the volume button was discovered it was easy to drown out the sound of Palmer trying to break through the door. I lay back down on Mick's bed with my head buried in his pillows. It was the sound of the door finally being pried open which made me jump with a start, that's when I realised that the record player had stopped, then I noticed Sarah and Kendra standing in the doorway.