Spectator

*The first day*

My pen touches the paper in my notebook without making any normal scrabbling sounds. This pen has a more sticky-sound to it whenever I remove it to write a new word. Then I am looking at the paper and try to decide what to write next. I realize that I was hesitant when I was writing my first words, but a few sentences later I feel already more confident. 

I need you to know that English isn't my first language, and it scares me that people might get annoyed by my decision of writing in English. Weird sentences can appear and I may have odd word choice. But you know, that is exactly why I think it would be perfect for this work.

So before I get started I want to name you, my blue precious notebook, so I can address you properly. It's really hard to come up with a good name though. I'm struggling,... Hmm. Maybe I will come up with it later, but for now I will call you A.

This is not going to be about me writing the most complex sentences, or finding the one perfect word for a description. No. For years I have been writing, mainly not in English, and I know that my heart and soul wants and needs to write. So that's nothing new. Yet I had a new idea a couple of months ago, I think it was around the beginning of March.

First I didn't know what to do with this idea, or how to start it. But today I walked straight from the shower to my empty blue notebook, towel still wrapped around me and my hair dripping water on the floor. My mind had a solo focus on getting that idea on paper, and if I hadn't had the empty notebook I probably would've picked any empty piece of paper. Hmm, I might even have used tiny memo notes if I didn't have anything bigger. Ha, I could've had a full wall of memo's about this on the wall. Imagine how that would've looked.

Anyways, I'm getting distracted. I think it's funny and a miracle how all these tiny coincidences make new miracles happen. Just like with this notebook. So I think the only right thing to do now, is tell you what my plan is. From that point on A., you have to bear with it.

This is going to be about me describing things and moments that I see, with the lack of words. The feeling of the lack of words charm me, it intrigues me and captivates me. I feel like I am bound to it, forced to watch things happen without being able to say what I see. I will try to explain what I mean by a memory that always pops up in my mind when I talk about this.

I can see myself as a little kid, pointing out to butterflies swarming around flowers while adults are staring at you in oblivion because you can't explain yourself. You have no words for what you see, and yet you want to communicate with them. Tell them about the beauty you are seeing. Then after desperate pointing, they will learn you the word butterfly. You see, with every sentence I am making, I get further away from my lack of words-feeling, because I learn those new words. 

But, as I said, it's not about me learning those words. I wasn't trying to point out the butterflies in the first place. You will get to see a whole new side of the world, a side which you wouldn't have known about without me. So A. prepare yourself for the miracles this world has to show you.

- S