Promise Me (Book One of the Kirkland Family)

Promise Me: Chapter 23

Chapter 23

Hannah jerked the strapless top of her dress upward as she padded into the kitchen with Justin on her heels.  She could only guess what he wanted to talk about, and she also figured her guess was right on the dot.  He was about to “break up” with her, so to term it, even though they’d never really been together at all.  But any future relationship, outside of her being friends with Josie, was about to meet its end tonight.

And with that prediction hailing all her thoughts, she drained half of her beer before handing Justin his.  He arched a dark-blond eyebrow as he took the proffered bottle.  “Thirsty?”

Hannah gasped for air as she lowered the cold brew from her lips and tugged the dress up again.  Damn thing wasn’t really slipping -- how could it when she could barely take a full breath in it -- but her conscience kept telling her she felt exposed.  “Just a little,” she answered him and walked past to go back to the living room.  There went the bodice of her dress again, shifting just enough to make her uncomfortable again.

To think, she specifically bought this tortuous garment to provoke Justin into some kind of attraction for her, and the man was breaking up with her!  What a waste of money!

“Can you give me a minute?” she asked.  “I need to change out of this thing.”

“Uh, sure,” he said, but Hannah practically ignored him as she plodded up the stairs to her bedroom.  Her hands were reaching for the zipper in the back before the door to her room closed.  Okay, slammed.  She slammed the door in frustration and anger and annoyance.

Why do I bother?  Hannah tried to think back to every word Justin ever said to her.  Had there been anything good, positive or complementary in any of it?

Her fingers slipped off the small metal zipper before she could get a good tug.  He called me pretty once...at the gas station, she remembered, but he had used such a biting, obnoxious tone, so that time surely didn’t count.  Nor had the way he looked at her when he said it.  What had she ever done to him?  He had been so hateful to her from the very beginning.  And she’d never done anything to sanction a crap load of insults from him.

Hannah’s floundering grasp for the stubborn zipper had her spinning in circles like a dog chasing its tail.  The freaking dress wasn’t this hard to get on!

Oh, then there was the time he called her from Spain and upgraded her status, said she was “beautiful.”  Hannah snorted as she stamped her foot in irritation at her new dress and the temperamental zipper.  She was never wearing this stupid thing again!

Yeah, he called me beautiful...a beautiful, self-centered -- uh, what word did he use?  Right!  Leech!  I’m a beautiful leech!

Who can’t even get one stupid zipper down!

“Argh!” she shouted, stomping her feet in rapid succession and shaking out the twisted lengths of her arms before trying once more to get the zipper unstuck and pulled down.

That figured!  There was a handsome man downstairs, waiting to pull the plug on their hypothetical relationship, and she was getting beaten down by a zipper!  A freaking, tenacious strip of metal teeth!

Hannah dropped to the side of her bed, hot tears in her eyes as she admitted defeat.  It wasn’t the zipper.  It was her.  Stupid, idiotic, foolish, hopeful Hannah.  She’d fallen in love with a man who -- who --

“Who’d never said anything nice to me!” she wailed into her hands.  “God, I’m so pathetic!”

The only reason she could fathom as to why she’d fallen in love with Justin was because of his love and pride for his daughter.  He was a good father, and she’d been reminded of her own father, and...

Oh, no!...no, no, no!  I am not one of those women!  

Hannah Baker was not in love with her...her...her father!  Eww!  No!  No!  No!  Yuck!  Justin Kirkland looked nothing like him, acted nothing like him, and...and that would not -- could not -- be the reason she was so drawn to him!  

But I refuse to be treated so harshly again!

A soft knock sounded on her door, and Justin’s voice carried through the wood, “Hannah?  You okay?  I heard shouting.”

Hannah glared at the door, the only thing standing between her and him, and her red-bubbling-hot desire to free the evil side of her tongue on him!  How dare he be so mean and bitter to her!  How dare he kiss her!  How dare he make her fall for him -- without any good reason for it -- and then break up with her!

Her lips thinned into a nearly indistinguishable line, and she felt the two high spots of angry color on her cheeks as she barged over to the door and wrenched it open.  No more!  

No more kissing!  No more ruthless, heartless compliments!  No more supposed friendship!  And no more falling in love with him!  

Hannah Baker has had it!

*****

Only a few minutes earlier, Justin, dropped his car keys onto the hall table, popped the top off his beer and waited while Hannah dashed up the stairs to take off that alluring dress.  She’d probably come back down in a tank top and cotton shorts.  He liked her in those, too.

He liked her in just about anything, and that was why this was so hard to do.  Because he liked her.  He liked everything about her...he just wasn’t ready for the kind of leap in familiarity he spied in her eyes tonight.  Now, if she only wanted a relationship strictly regarded for sex, then he might be tempted.  His body twitched as it was, just thinking about her upstairs, sliding that delicious dress down her hips and off, leaving only naked, soft flesh behind...

I’m an ass...seriously considering a sex-only affair with the woman...

Not that she’d go for that anyway.  Hannah responded to his touch and kiss as eagerly as he was hungry to give them, but proposing something illicit as a carnal fling with no strings attached...basically becoming pillow partners -- bed buddies, mattress mates, bunk bunnies, couch companions, sex sweeties, humping honeys, f*ck friends...the names were all the same.  Meaningless, wild, raunchy sex...a means to satisfy both their baser needs after all these years.  

She did say it had been even longer for her, right?

He shook his head.  It didn’t matter.  Hannah would never agree to something like that -- another reason he liked her so much -- and Justin wasn’t about to offend her sweet nature and offer her a choice.  He had come here to end all connections with her -- excepting the one she had with his daughter and parents -- and be done with it.  Justin was still in too much pain over his disastrous marriage and the havoc his ex-wife scoured into what was left of his life and soul.  He just didn’t trust women anymore, and Hannah deserved more than his bitter, black heart.

And for a moment, a flicker in her eyes, right before she exited his rental car out in the driveway, he knew that she knew what he was going to say...and yet, she didn’t seem angry or upset or show any kind of negative emotion at all.  It almost seemed as though she dared him to go ahead and say it.  Like it wouldn’t matter either way to her.  But not two seconds after she disappeared upstairs and a door slammed shut hard enough to rattle the windows and shake the overhead lights, Justin was peering at the ceiling, wondering what that woman was trying to stomp to death.  His eyes followed a path from one corner to another as she paced with heavy footsteps, even stopping to trample her feet in with acceleration in the middle of the ceiling.  

Well, something was pissing in her cornflakes tonight.

Then she screamed and stomped some more at the floor above his head, and he sighed.  Either she was chasing a giant rat across the carpet in her bedroom, or she was having a little temper tantrum to beat all tantrums -- even the ones Josie could pull off...both scenarios of which amused Justin as he headed up the stairs to see what got her hair ribbons in a knot.

“Hannah?” he called softly, knocking on her closed door.  “You okay? I heard shouting.”  He didn’t dare mention the plaster-cracking tromping and the angry mumbles coming out of the room right then with his ear pressed to the panel of the door.

Then the door fell away from his ear and there she stood, still in that intoxicating turquoise dress, and in a blaze of furious glory.  Her skin flushed to a dusky rose tint, and her hazel eyes glowed more green than gold.  Her chest heaved with turbulent breaths of a storm inside her body.

And he’d never wanted her more.

Justin leaned against the doorjamb, crossed his arms across his chest in a meager attempt to keep them from reaching out to her and tipped her a crooked grin.  He opened his mouth to say, “What’s going on?” but she thumped him hard on the shoulder and got in his face, asking, “Why don’t you like me?”

Her question completely took him off-guard.  His mouth flapped futilely as he tried to form a reasonable response.  All he came up with, was a flat, “I don’t like you?”  If those four words sounded even half as castrating to her as they did to his numb brain, he was in some serious trouble.

“Ha!  I knew it!” she yelled, still angry, still rosy, still flashing bright eyes at him.  “Then why did you kiss me?!”

He shook his head, hoping to rattle some sense into the situation.  “Hannah, I don’t--”

“Don’t try to deny it now!” she said, moving away from him, her arms bending at odd angles to reach behind her back.  She yanked and pulled and stamped her bare feet while furiously tugging at something on the back of her dress, and Justin’s brain clicked with the motions of trying to drag a zipper down.

“You have never said one nice thing to me!” she kept on while her hands fumbled and strained, contorting almost painfully.  “You haven’t even said how nice I look tonight!  To think I wrecked my car for this dress!  And you never noticed!”

Justin rocked away from the door and moved into her room.  She continued to yell at him, all the while furiously grabbling for the stuck zipper at the top of her dress.  

“I thought, maybe, you’d eventually come to like me in some way,” she admitted, pacing the length of her room while she struggled behind her back.  “But why should a stupid dress change the way you feel about me?  Why should I even care?!  God, I’m so stupid!  None of it ever meant anything to you!  And now I can’t even get this damn thing off!”

Finally, she gave up her fight with the zipper and stopped pacing long enough for Justin to take her by the shoulders and turn her around, facing away from him.  Though she didn’t fight him, he secured her from moving away by placing a firm palm on one shoulder.  Carefully, he pried the imprisoned fabric out of the zipper’s slider and slowly dragged it down the teeth to where the skirt connected with the tight-hugging bodice.

Hannah inhaled a deep breath and held the front of the dress to her chest with trembling hands.  “Thank you,” she whispered, a hint of shame in her voice.

“You’re welcome,” he whispered to the back of her head as his fingers traced the line of her spine up to her neck, brushing aside the red glossy strands of her hair to stare at the expanse of bare back before him.  It was perfect in every way, even the tiny mole between her shoulder blades. He could see the very top of her panties -- damn, black lace -- down past the part in the zipper, but that was it...she wore no bra or slip or other undergarments of any kind.  Just turquoise silk and black lace.  His lips burned, wanting to taste the sweet arch of her neck where it met her shoulder and follow the line his finger mapped out along her spine.  

She thought none of what they had shared meant anything to him.  She thought he hated her.  She’d always thought he was a jackass, and now he couldn’t blame her for any of those thoughts.

“I’m sorry, Hannah,” he said quietly, as he turned her around to look at him.  “You have every right to be angry, because I can’t remember ever saying anything nice to you either.”

A sheen of forlorn moisture gathered in her beautiful hazel eyes.  Justin brushed a thumb across a lower eyelash, taking a teardrop away with him.  “I have always thought you were beautiful,” he acquiesced, “and I don’t hate you.  I actually like you very much.  You’re wonderful to Josie, you’re sweet and kind to my parents, and you’ve always been honest and friendly to me, even when you were hissing at me and calling me a jackass.”

A shaky, tremulous smile eased the tight line of her mouth.

“You never really deserved anything I’ve said or done to you,” he said.  “And for that, I’m sorry.  All I can say is that it’s difficult for me to trust and admire another woman.  Especially when they’re as beautiful as you.”

Hannah shivered, lowering her gaze as a flush stole up her cheeks.  “Oh, Justin,” she sighed, hugging her gaping dress to her chest.  “I know that...and I’m the one who should be sorry--”

“Don’t,” he barked, harsher than he expected.  “None of this is in any way your fault.”

She didn’t look at him, but she shrugged as though she didn’t believe him.  

“It’s not your fault,” he repeated.  “My marriage, my past, my problems with committing myself again...you weren’t there, you weren’t involved...but I’ve taken it out on you anyway, and for that, I sincerely apologize.”

“But this is as far as we go, isn’t it?” she asked, peeking up at him.  He nodded, and she sighed again.

“I’m afraid so,” he spoke softly, wishing his chest would stop constricting so painfully.  She was perfect -- absolutely perfect for him -- but even she can’t break down the walls inside him.  That was something he had to do himself, and he didn’t even know where to begin.

“Such a shame,” she murmured and moved across the room to grab a robe from the back of her closet door.

“A shame?”

“Yeah,” she said, slipping her arms carefully into the sleeves of the pink silken robe while still keeping the dress from falling from her body.  He watched, mesmerized, as she tied the belt across her waist and then tugged on the skirt of her dress to allow it to drop to the floor.

His tongue stuck to the roof of his mouth.  Now she wore only that pink wrap and that scrap of black lace -- which he could clearly distinguish through the robe’s thin fabric -- and he choked down the urge to rush across the room to her.  His feet inside his shoes flexed, eager to take the first step, but he commanded his brain not to allow that message to travel that far down his nerve endings.

“A shame, how?” he asked...or rather croaked.  Hannah snatched a hair band off her dresser and scrutinizing her reflection in the mirror there as she pulled her hair up off her shoulders and secured it to the top of her head.

“It’s just a shame, that’s all,” she answered calmly...way too calmly.  His hackles rose.  What was she thinking?

“Maybe you should explain that.”

She rotated around and leaned back against her dresser, crossing her arms under her breasts...the round pebbles there poked at the pink material, and Justin hastily averted his gaze from the enticing scene.  He looked everywhere but at her.  Otherwise, he might not have the fortitude to go through with severing what little bit of relationship he had with her.

“I am well aware of your commitment issues, Justin,” she said, studying him.  “I’ve never asked that of you.  I’ve never asked anything of you.  But you have to admit there is a certain...um, physical attraction between us.  I just think it’s a shame that we can’t explore that.”

His eyes whipped to hers.  Was she saying what he thought she was saying?

Hannah smiled briefly and continued, “We’re both mature, responsible adults.  These kinds of friendships are not totally unheard of.”  She chewed on her bottom lip as she examined his increasing frown.  “Don’t get me wrong...I’ve never done anything like that.  But then again, I’ve never met anyone I wanted to do anything like that with.  Until I met you, I’ve never been remotely attracted to anyone...well, except...except your brother, but that was a long time ago, and things are different now...I’m different.  I used to think that I could never separate myself from...from having sex, so I never really tried to.  Oh, well, one time I did, but that turned out to be a huge mistake, and I haven’t done it since.  I came away from that night feeling cheap and dirty and moronic, and I really, really didn’t like feeling that, and now that I’ve met you, and up until tonight, you’ve been hateful and mean and ugly to me, and yet, I still wanted you, and I don’t like feeling that way either.  I’ve never been the needy type, so my only reasoning for wanting you when you’ve clearly despised me was because I saw glimpses of the man you could be.  And I know the reason behind the man you are now.  And...”

She stopped and laughed at herself, putting a hand up to her forehead.  “Listen to me, babbling like an idiot.”

Justin’s mind was fogged over.  He still hadn’t moved a single muscle.  All through her confession, his tongue and mouth tried to work out a semblance of speech, but one phrase kept echoing inside his brain, “...I still want you...”

She looked up at his dumbfounded expression and huffed.  “Well, say something!”

“You’re okay with having meaningless sex with a guy you barely know?” he asked, immediately wincing when he heard the words that pushed out of his mouth.

“Well, not since you put it that way!” she scoffed, but she did smile a little.  “I just told you I wasn’t that kind of girl.”

“But with me?” he inquired, still trying to get a fix on the whole subject.  Just ten minutes ago, he had these very thoughts, but he never -- never -- thought she’d agree to something like this...and to propose it?  Saying it was a "shame" they couldn’t do this?

“You’d set aside all your morals to have cold, heartless sex with me?”

She flinched even as she blushed as his words.  “No, that’s not what I meant.”

“Then what did you mean?”

“I just meant that we could have something that didn’t involve the possibility of getting our hearts broken in the end,” she said.  “A relationship between two people with the understanding that there is no love here, no promises, no obligations or responsibility, nothing more than a few warm nights to ease the stresses of the day.”

Justin shook his head in utter disbelief.  Even if she meant every word -- which he knew she didn’t -- he still couldn’t do that to her.  He admired her too much.  “I’m sorry, Hannah,” he said, “I can’t do that.”

A warm, affectionate smile curved her lips.  “I know,” she said softly.  

His gaze snapped to hers.  “You know?”

“Of course,” she replied.  “I guess that’s one reason why I’m so attracted to you.  Deep down, I know you would never take advantage of me.”

The room began to spin.  Pent up frustration and that old, bitter wound – courtesy of Beth -- flared.  “So, this was all a test?” he asked sharply.  “You’re trying to manipulate me?”

She blinked, confused.  “No, I--”

He strode across the room to her, cutting off her denials, which he couldn’t listen to.  “You stand there, practically naked, tempting me with your beauty and your body and your words of indifference in getting you into that bed, and you expect me to believe that you’re not working me over?”

“Justin, I--”

He grasped the tail end of her robe’s belt.  “All I have to do is pull, Hannah--”