Inside my head

My head

It's 11 at night I'm sitting in bed watching the minutes tick by, I hear my fan blowing but it's quite I know I'm not going to sleep much tonight. My face is still damp from the tears rolling down my face after a conversation with my " friend" about stopping the behaviour we've been having. We like eachother but he can't date yet i kissed him and it continued , he said it made him uncomfortable but he kept kissing me I should have listened why didn't I , I can't talk about what happened the other day. I don't know what to do it's a cycle one day it's okay the next it's not I'm not sure how much longer I can deal with this. I'm crying almost every night I hate this feeling the emptiness in me I don't know what I did wrong I feel like it's always my fault why did I go and do those things why did I let this continue I knew it was wrong but something deep down inside my head kept telling me it was fine I knew I was going to get hurt it the end and should have stopped but it was telling me I was fine and keep going and when I get hurt I hear it laugh, this feeling this voice whatever it is it's taking over me again I can feel it I know soon something bad is going to happen and I need to protect my self but I can't because what I want in life is to be with the boy, so this voice I will let keep laughing at me when he changes his mind and I get hurt. I ask why I put myself in these situations but I... I just don't know. Why can't I be happy for once and not get hurt? When will I finally be at peace with myself? When will this feeling/ voice leave me? It's tearing me apart. I need to talk to someone but now I can't , my therapist is the boys father I can't tell him anything that has happened how could I he'd kill me and the boy I've screwed myself over! WHY AM I SO DUMB! I want to run I need to run I need to get away but I can't because everywhere I look he's there. There's the four of us the math elite, the strong willed, the boy and me. We're always together we're all going camping soon with our youth group and idk where our relationship will be, will we talk? If we don't will people question it? Idk if I'll be okay at the retreat. what if I start crying? What if people find out and ask me about it? Will the adults talk with me? Even worse his father is the youth leader if he finds out will he ask me about it , if I'm sad will he come talk to me ? These types of questions roll through my head over and over none of them answered. I won't sleep tonight because I'll be dwelling on what keeps happening and I have to work in the morning. WHY DOES EVERYTHING BAD ALWAYS HAPPEN! Why is it something bad has to happen at the same time each year? Or does that just happen to me? Or do I make it happen? I wanna know if I push the boy too much to not want to kiss or cuddle. Was it my fault? Did I cause all this? I came on too strong didn't I? Why does this have to make life rough? Why does it hurt so much? You know in movies when they guys breaks up with the girl and she says she feels like her heart is broken well trust me it's real I feel like my heart was a piece of glass that's been shattered into a million pieces it hurts there's a pain inside my chest and I don't like it I want it to go away but it won't , it hasn't , it can't. It's there until I feel better and lord knows when that will be. I know that I'll be okay I'll always be okay because I hurt myself so others are okay but then I push myself away, no wonder I never have anyone to turn too. .I'm always in a fight with someone. ( sorry this got off track it's just how my Brain feel atm) I hope I can't fix all this soon I'm done dealing with the pain.