My Christian Love Story

Chapter 4 "Fell Too Hard For A College Fling"

       We'll call him Daniel. Daniel and I started to talk in September and over time we started spending a lot of time together. We acted as if we were dating but he never officially asked me to be his girlfriend. He used to take naps in my lap, hug me for what felt like hours, everybody that knew us used to call me "Daniel's girlfriend"; damn he was truly a sweetheart. Tried to slow me down from my Coca-Cola addiction, made sure I reached home safe, always missed me, would always ask what I wanted to eat, took care of me really. I was back in love and falling hard for this guy who never truly reciprocated the same feelings I had for him. When I used to go home at 4:30 little did I know that this girl we'll call Kimmy used to link up and have make-out sessions. He even used to go out on lunch with her and blame it on his friends and say he didn't know that she was tagging along. 

           I didn't discover this till after we separated. But anyway, one night him and Kimmy went out together at the re-opening of a popular club in a neighbouring city, and were groping and sucking each other's faces the whole night and my friend we'll call Lee, came and told me what she saw and he came and lied right through his teeth about what I had already pronounced the truth. In fear of being lonely I stayed and let this drag on for another month. All my friends could tell you I had lost who I was. I wasn't me. I was compromising so much of who I was to please and keep him only to find that he wanted and would eventually leave for Kimmy anyway.

One thing that was in common with all of the character's I mentioned is that I never compromised one of my core beliefs. Yes I'm still a virgin. Why? Wouldn't they have stayed if you gave it up to them? Baby girl/boy truth is they wouldn't have. I firmly believe that the best present I can give to my future spouse is my virginity, and I don't care who looks down on me or thinks I'm crazy for saving my gift for my husband. What if your husband had sex already? God knows exactly what he's doing and who he has paired me up with. I'm doing my part and making a choice every day to remain pure, it's my husband's decision to choose the same or alternate to that, it won't make me love him any less to be honest with you.

Back to Daniel. He lied to me so much and me being the kind hearted and forgiving person that I am compromised and allowed him to take my kindness for weakness. I knew staying with Daniel would be toxic but I loved the splurges of love and appreciation I got when we were together. Then I hit my low place yet again. I became fed up with being treated as a play toy and as his substitute for when Kimmy wasn't around so in the first week of December last year I let him go. He said he wanted a relationship with me in less than a year's time. If I hadn't come to my senses and got out when I did I would probably still be waiting for that less than a year to be up for him to "wife me". He said a relationship would make him unhappy, and it wouldn't turn out the way he or I wanted it to. This lie strung me on for months, although I knew I was listening to utter crap the enemy had me bound to this lying, manipulating, human being with no glimmer of hope that it would get better or a way to get out. I went back to school for my end of year grade report and I see him and Kimmy hugged up on the bench. Internally it hurt but I carried on and was on a mission to forget Daniel and all he did to me.

My friends and I all went to this island for a one day escape. Damn did I need this to get my mind off Daniel and Kimmy. We drank, we laughed, we swam and me and who we'll call Cam for sure had fun. We made out for about an hour and a half on the roof and that's all we did. No matter who it is or how cute you are my gift is for my husband baby boy, sorry. I enjoyed that day so much, but now the alcohol wore off, the day was over and it's back to reality. Me and Cam exchanged bracelets that day. Up to this day he still wears mine, but I lost his earlier this year. Oh well. We talked for the duration of December. He gassed me up and gave me attention and affection which was all I really wanted and needed. He was just someone to fill the gap that I should've filled with God. Then we found it wouldn't work. He wanted to see me a lot and I couldn't see him when I wanted nor when he wanted to. He let me know that he doesn't want an "inbox relationship". I was a bit down about it but walking into 2018 Cam was a memory in my past and a part of who I used to be not who I am now.

Two minor characters Kairo and Zach came in temporarily before me and Jonah really got back on track. They were basically just to keep me occupied and give me the attention I sometimes wanted. I feel bad for playing with their hearts but Kairo is still mixed up in the party and sex based lifestyle and Zach wanted me and his girlfriend at the same time. Why not still talk to them? They were just for entertainment right? Well my heart couldn't take it and I needed to let go of any extra weight before truly unlocking the purpose and plan God has for me and I would and could not compromise my values for these guys, I had changed. So I cut them loose.

Now God opened a door for me to be a part of a worship team for Global Prayer Day (GPD) and at this Christian summer camp that Jonah, Derrick and I still attend. I thought God had forgotten about my dreams, but it was all his timing I should have been waiting on and not my own. My parents brought to my attention that I needed to spend more time in the word and become more prepared for this platform I was being placed unto. They basically told me I couldn't do it but they allowed me to anyway. They're doubts fuelled me to seek God more and I was making baby steps toward that when GPD rolled around. It went great and a couple months later the message that shifted the focus of my entire life. My leader had messaged me:

Leader Mack: Hey! Hope all is well. I wanted to know if you would be willing and available to participate in the worship team for our upcoming camp this July?

I jumped from my chair and ran to the bathroom, I cried a little pulled it together and answered.

Of course I said yes! It was a huge dream of mine from I was a little girl to lead worship. And with one of my worship leader inspirations? There would be nothing I wouldn't do to capitalize on this opportunity. So I dug deep and really sought after God from the time I got that message onward and really transformed who I was. I slipped a time or two but repented and continued to run the race. My mistakes never defined me and God didn't love me any less. The filling voids with drinking, boys, the depression, the kind of music I was listening to, the bad habits, were apart of who I used to be not who I am and who God transformed me into now. I gave it all up when I became sold out for my Dad, my Abba and my Adonai. I am now about my father's business. With a servant heart and a hunger and thirst to go deeper with him. Fast forward, camp came, led worship, had life altering experience, was an amazing weekend, will probably go in detail in another book if you guys want. But let's wrap this all up.