Curses and Kisses

XXXIV

Don't Watch Me Cry

I'm not a perfect person like my mother wanted me to be, but I tried. In amidst of me trying to be perfect, I became a hypocrite. Marami akong itinanggi na mga bagay na gusto ko para lang making perpekto, parang ngayon. I've been telling myself that I hate Cyto because he hurt me, noong mga teengagers palang kami tapos naging sila ni Charis, ayaw kong aminin na lumayo ako sa kanya dahil dito, pero ito talaga ang dahilan kung bakit ayaw na ayaw ko sa kanya. He dated Charis and I was only in denial that I liked him. I denied that I don't want him anymore, now I'm here, missing his touch, kissing him like we got no problems to face.

"Cyto..." I called his name, "we should go home." Nagawa kong sabihin. He bit my lower lip before letting me go.

"Yeah. I almost forgot." Pinaandar niya ang makina at hinawakan ang kamay ko habang hawak ang kambyo. He's obviously happy while I'm gradually thinking about the things that might happen.

Hindi sila kasal ni Charis, dapat kong ikatuwa ito pero marami pang problema na kailangang lutasin. I still have Cade and we're engaged to be married, hindi ko din alam kung dapat bang itigil ang kasal dahil lang nalaman ko na hindi kasal si Cyto o ipagpatuloy ito dahil malaki ang utang na loob ko sa kanya. I was certain that I love Cade, but I don't know what to feel anymore after kissing Cyto.

"You're thinking deep again as if we just made love." Nabalik ako sa wisyo nang magsalita si Cyto. Humigpit ang hawak niya sa kamay ko nang hindi ko siya inimikan. "What's wrong?" '

"I'm thinking about Cade. We're engaged and he said that we'll get married as soon as he gets back."

"Then cancel your engagement. 'Wag mong masyadong isipin si Cade." Agad niyang sabi.

"Hindi ganun kadali 'yun, Cyto. I can't just tell him that I'm canceling our engagement because you're not legally married, malalim ang pinagsamahan namin at takot akong masaktan siya." Lumuwag ang pagkahawak niya sa kamay ko hanggang sa bitawan na niya ito.

"If you have real feelings for him already, Sapphira, just tell me, hindi yung umaasa ako na bumalik ka sa akin. If you want to get married to him, tell me. Kung takot kang masaktan siya, sana matakot ka din kapag nawala ako. Don't be greedy, you can only have one Arevalo at a time." Kinilabutan ako sa paraan ng pananalita niya. Cyto can be anything but a cold person. He was never cold towards me, o baka naman sobrang tagal ko na siya hindi nakakasama kaya hindi ko lang alam, or I never knew this side of him, or I didn't really know him at all.

"Cyto, you're not giving me any choice." Mahina kong sambit.

"I am giving you choices and it can be answered by either your heart or mind. Kung pipiliin mo si Cade, isipin mo kung sasaya ka sa kanya, ganun din sa akin. I don't want to act selfishly by forcing you to be with me, so kung hindi mo ako pipiliin, at least give me the right to be with my daughter." I sighed heavily and didn't respond.

I thought of all the choices until the car stopped and we were in front of our house. Walang lumabas, walang umiimik, hanggang sa bumukas ang pintuan ko at pinihit ni Cyto ang seatbelt button ko.

"Hindi na ako papasok, I'm still not welcome in there. I'll be gone for a week, Phira. Use that time to think wisely. No pressure. I'll respect whatever decision you'll make. And please tell Sabrina I love her." Tumango nalang ako saka bumaba sa sasakyan. Bumusina pa siya bago umalis. Bumuntong hininga ako bago pumasok sa bahay.

Narinig ko agad ang tawa ng anak ko pagkatapak ko palang sa sala. Ngumiti ako dahil walang tigil ito hanggang sa marinig ko na may plina-plano sila.

"Let your Mommy rest, sumama ka muna sa amin ng Mommy Lola, okay? Dito ka muna sa amin." rinig ko ang boses ni Daddy.