the writer // harry styles au

chapter 9

Harry

In my novel In The Night, the main character, Lo, is a self-centred male with commitment issues due to his minimal understanding of women. People always ask me if I am, in anyway, relative to Lo. Have I drawn on my own personality to make his character? I would like to think not. My Mum says that I haven't; that I have a lovely understanding of women and care for others. With Alexis, I'm lost. Who I am with her is not me. I don't understand her, or her actions. Her hair flips and lip licks seem like something no other women would do when she does them. She interests me.

Maybe she's not Alice. She's not how I write her. Maybe Lo was originally some form of me, but is now someone completely different and nothing like me. Maybe Alice was some form of Alexis but is now something completely different. My head keeps thinking that each time I go out with her that it will be just like some date I've written between Alice and the guy in my current novel. It's not. Her personality is normal, like every other girls, but her body, her smile, her hair, draw me in every damn time.

She fidgets a lot. While at dinner, she would be playing with something to keep her mind off.. me, most probably. When she wasn't eating, she had her hands in her lap, teasing at the napkin rested over her thighs. While eating, she'd look at her plate of food, like she was trying to identify every ingredient present.

Conversation was carried on, like on any normal, boring first date. This wasn't our first date.

"Alexis," I said, mid-conversation.

"-so i'm travelling- Harry?" she said.

I took a deep breath. The truth will be hard, but worth it. "Don't do this to me."

She took a deep breath. "And what am I doing?"

"You're being boring. But I love it. How does that work? How can I feel so attracted to you, so infatuated with you, and hate that I think of you like that? Each fibre in my body feels pulled to you like you're a magnet and I'm a paper clip. This boring chatter is not what I want. Give me you, all of you."

"You're such a writer," she said.

"How so?"

"You love being poetic and dramatic. Forming perfect sentences with perfect words. It's cute," she explained.

"Cute?" I questioned.

"Don't worry, it's not emasculating being called cute. It will score you points. Get us in to bed quicker."

Bright blue eyes stared into mine, wide and innocent. As if. Her fringe was pushed back. Not pinned, messily. Neatly parted and rested on either sides of her face. I didn't like it. Her fringe was.. innocent. Watching her ruffle it to fix it and then really fix on our first date was adorable. Dry lips being licked after each spoonful of food. Navy blue nails clicked on her glass every time she reached for a sip. I was noticing stupid things and loving each one of them. Every thing she did made me.. happy? Warm inside? Turned on? I don't know what it was, but I don't know if I liked it.

"I'm going to go to the loo. Don't whip the table cloth out from under the dishes while I'm gone." That's when I noticed my tight grip on the white material, slowly pulling it down. I released my hand.

It was so awkward by myself at that table. Everyone around me was taking to another person, having fun. I was battling with my feelings and intentions. I wanted to take Alexis home and just revel in her. Run my hands down her sides and feel my hands curve with her hips. I want to love her. It's been so damn long since I've been with a girl that I'm not even surprised by my oblivious nature to the situation. You can't fall in love after 2/3 dates. That's just ridiculous.

Maybe this isn't a normal love. Maybe it's some sickening love, pulling my heart out if my chest just to give to her. To bear all that pain just to have her with me, forever. But maybe forever is over-exaggerating.

A/N: hi guys!! i'm so sorry for the short update, but it's better than nothing, right?!