Life Rants

FIRST RANT - ANGER

So, what a way to start, eh?

The topic "anger" is extremely broad I suppose. It could mean someone's anger that was inflicted towards you, it could mean your own anger, or what have you.

I'll be sharing both of those examples I guess. Why not? It'll be a two in one special.

ANGER INFLICTED TOWARDS ME:
First off, this is directed more so towards one person who is present in my life and gets me pissed.

That person would be my brother. (Let's call him Fred for short)

So Fred is one of the most infuriating person I know, not only that, but he is always angry at me, well at least once a day. He's my biological brother, so I also get angry a lot too, but not as much as him. He lets his anger control him when he is mad. Trust me, I've had the fistfights and the experiences with calming him down. It sucks dog shit.

He goes from 0 to 100 in like 3 seconds. I seem to be his target for the most part. We've had around 3 or 4 fistfights, which not to brag, but I always won. What can I say? I'm a strong gal. Anyways, he gets mad for the dumbest reasons too. Our first fistfight was over a television show. And I'm definitely NOT saying I was innocent, but we're going to get to that later.

Say the wrong thing? You get beef.

I'm living the life, what can I say?

MY ANGER:
So, my anger will be more in depth because I'm the one experiencing it in my head. So, like my brother and father, I can get really angry quickly. Once I get frustrated, boy do I get angry quickly.

My anger always roots from deeper things that piss me off just by thinking about them. For example, my biological mother. If you read the book that I had on Wattpad for a bit before deleting it without explanation, I talked about my mother.

(Just a quick side note, I deleted the book, My Online Diary, because my family isn't overly supportive of my writing and I thought that someone in my family saw the book. I panicked and deleted it, and I followed that by ghosting my account for a year.)

Anyways, I'm quite open about my mother, and so to sum it up, she mentally abused me. And yes, that's a thing, and no, I'm not looking for attention regarding it. In fact, I'd rather I never have to talk about it, besides quick summaries.

I moved out about two years ago and I didn't look back. I now live with my father and stepmother. My mother and the way I lived with her was and is the main reason for my sadness (I don't call it depression because I haven't been diagnosed and the word depression makes me upset). My sadness lead to my suicidal thoughts, which I almost acted upon around 3 times.

When I look back at those times, I get so fucking furious. It makes me want to punch a wall or a person when I think about myself back and how my mother didn't think twice about my mental health. Granted, she had severe depression and was an alcoholic , but still, in my opinion, that's a terrible excuse.

So with all that being said, she is the main trigger for my sadness and anger.

And something that seriously makes me want to hurt someone is how she is trying to get off drugs, alcohol, and taking antidepressants. This is infuriating because it wasn't until after my brother and I left that she decided she wanted to help herself. And then she proceeds to say, "I'm getting better, you can come back."

All I want to do is say a big FUCK YOU to that. Never in a million FUCKING YEARS WILL I COME BACK BECAUSE "YOU'RE GETTING BETTER." FUCK YOU.

So... I'm sorry about that. I'm leaving it only to show just how much I fucking hate her and her infuriating acts. It just proves how angry I can get as well.

I'm no saint, I'm admitting that I get angry faster than Bruce Banner can think about the Hulk. (BTW, I'm not a fan of "superheroes" and such)

I'm working on it. First I just have to work on getting rid of my triggers, which will eliminate a lot of bottled up anger. I honestly feel bad for whoever gets the nasty end of it. Luckily, I've walked away from situations before I seriously hurt someone, but with the nagging feeling of I should hit something, that restraint may not last long.

Clearly, that's a big issue. I seriously need a punching bag or something. I need some sort of anger management as well.

If anyone has any suggestions to help me with my anger problems, please comment, I'd greatly appreciate it.

From reading books like this one on Wattpad, I feel like personal issues such as anger aren't addressed in depth like this. I mean, maybe that person doesn't want to admit to it or talk about it (which I understand). Unlike me. I just dove right in. I even included me actually getting angry, which I pretty sure isn't a bonus for me.

It kinda made me realize that I really need to talk about my anger issues to my family. Like actually sit down and tell them that I'm struggling, which is a very rare situation. I try to be as independent and close minded as possible, but it gets to a point. The fact that I'm seriously thinking about hurting someone is quite scary and definitely not healthy for me or whoever may become my victim.

Okay I need to chill for real.

Who knew that someone could get so angry? Me. Unfortunately, I've seen it first hand.

I feel like it's not safe to be around me anymore.

Okay I really need that punching bag now.

I'll just stop this rant before I think too much.

So, thank you for reading my first rant. I know it's less of a rant and more of a personal problem type of thing, but bear with me and my dark mind please. If you want me to discuss a subject, drop it in the comments. :)

Please vote, comment, and share this book if it intrigued you.

-Ali :)