A Long Way From Home

The Funeral

Thanks to the jackass, I have to say a speech at his funeral when I can't even figure out how to react. I don't want to feel like this. This isn't fair. But it was a request in his will and if that's the only thing he wanted then I'll do it. I spent 5 years being a bitch to him that I didn't realize how good of a person he was. Well when he was on his medicine. I just don't know how I'm gonna do this. He wants me to tell the truth.

"We will now have a few words from Miss. Clarissa Robinson." The preacher says.

I walk to the podium and look out at the crowd of people. Or lack of people. It was family really. I guess he didn't have time for friends considering how he was trying to change.

"Hello. I know that most of you don't know me. That's okay. In Kevin's will, the only thing he wanted was for me to tell the truth. So here goes nothing. This speech isn't for me but you need to know my story which led me to make the decisions that I did." I pause. I see a few people nod. I look to Alex who gives me a smile smile. I continue.

"When I was a child, my dad left me and Before I met Kevin I had been in 2 really bad relationships. I had been abused and cheated on. I didn't know how to properly be in a relationship. I was scared of getting hurt. So when the chance arose I took it. Kevin and I got in my car and we drove. He was always so positive. We spent the weekend in Savannah, Georgia. As you can imagine, things did happen." I pause as I feel hurt.

"I found out I was pregnant. I knew it was Kevin's and if you look at my baby today you would know too. I told him at a bad time. I suppose he was off his medicine. He told me it wasn't his. When he tried to apologize I wouldn't let him. I made things much worse. Things got worse and eventually after I had Nathan, Kevin gave up his parental rights and my fiancé Alex stepped up and is now his dad." I hear the gasps and even some rude comments.

"I didn't know Kevin as well as I should've but I know he was good to Nathan. I don't know how I'm gonna tell him either. But anyways, Kevin Nathan Anderson was a wonderful person and I was lucky to get to know him. He stood up for me, loved me, and probably even hated me. But he chose me to stand here and say something about him. I may not have liked him very much but he was good. I never said it to him but I'm eternally grateful for what he left me with. I have a gorgeous family and he respected that. Of course he made sly comments sometimes but he never tried to take Nathan from me. He understood the meaning of family." I pause and see everyone looking at me again with sympathetic eyes.

"Kevin I don't know where you are and I don't know if your here but I do love you. You gave me so much. Your son loved you. I'm proud to say you was his dad even if Nathan didn't know." I say quietly.

I finally realize how I feel.

Sad. Angry. Upset. Broken.

"I lost a family member as much as any of you did. Do not judge me for my actions because he didn't. Thank you for listening and understanding." I say quietly before running out of the church.

I run until I get to the coffee shop I met him at the first time I let him see Nathan. When I see it's closed I drop down and sit against the wall.

"Kevin why'd you leave! Why! You had everything to live for you jackass. You had Nathan and your daughter. You had Josh, Ali, even Alex and me! How!" I say loudly. I feel the rain start pouring down and I realize how ironic it is that that's how I feel. I feel like a storm.

I put my head between my knees and breathe as I feel exhaustion take over. I close my eyes and somehow fall asleep in the summer rain.

-------------------------------------------

"Clary?" I hear a voice ask.

"Who are you?" I ask before opening my eyes.

"It's me. Kevin." He says.

"Kevin?" I ask as I open my eyes.

"Hey Clarbear." He says with a smile.

"Hey Kevin." I say with a smile as I see him in his black tux.

"I didn't want to leave. You have to believe that." He says softly.

"Then why did you?" I ask.

"I couldn't fight it anymore. It was so much all at once. I tried to save Nathan and ended up getting myself killed. But here I'm not hurting. I can finally breathe." He says with a smile.

"Was it lung cancer?" I ask softly

"Yeah. I guess I gave it all up too late." He says with a smirk.

"That happens sometimes."

"That was a beautiful speech by the way. You did what I wanted you too."

"I broke down again Kevin."

"You told the truth. I've always known that we weren't meant to be together Clary. The only think I was certain of was that you were gonna be a big part of my life. You gave me a son. You gave me the chance to be a dad even after I screwed up. I've loved you since I met you Clary. It just took me a little longer to realize I wasn't in love with you. I knew you wasn't with me either. But I do love you. And now I know that you love me too. I know you've finally forgiven me fully. That's why you feel like you do. The constant pressure of being mean to me isn't there. You've allowed yourself to forgive me. That's the only thing I wanted Clary. I can move on now." He tells me.

"Stay for Nathan and your daughter Kevin. They need you. I need someone to drive me crazy and someone to keep me in balance." I beg.

"I'll always be around Clary. Tell Nathan I love him." He says as he begins to fade.

"Hey Kevin?" I ask.

"Yeah?"

"I love you, you jackass." I say with a smile.

"I love you too Clary. Take care. I'll be watching." He says before kissing my cheek and fading away completely.

"Good." I say with a smile.

--------------------------------

"Clary wake up please." I hear someone beg.

I open my eyes slowly and smile as I see my wonderful family. My sweet Nathan and my soon to be husband are standing beside me.

"Hey baby." I say as I kiss Alex and then Nathan.

"Mommy are you okay?" Nathan asks.

"I'm fine baby. Come here." I say as he climbs in my bed.

"I was so scared mommy. Where's uncle Kevin?" he asks softly.

"He passed away baby." I say as I stroke his hair.

"What does that mean?"

"He's not here anymore."

"Where did he go?"

"He's in a better place baby."

"Oh okay."

I rub Nathan's back gently until I hear his breathing deepen and I know he's asleep.

"Alex?" I ask.

"Yes baby?" he answers.

"I'm really sorry for running off. I know I scared you but I needed to be alone. I needed to figure out some things." I tell him.

"I know honey."

"He came to me in a dream. I know it sounds crazy but I talked to him." I say with a smile.

"Good. You deserve closure." He says softly.

"He loved us."

"We loved him too Clary. We should've told him more too."

"He knew we loved him. We didn't have to say it. He knew."

"Get some sleep baby. While were here they're gonna check on the baby." He says softly.

"Okay." I whisper as I fall asleep.