In My Mind

Part 9

I'm used to having rough days, but sometimes they hit me like a brick to the face. Sometimes they become too much, and I just don't know how to make it through them alone. But I've found that the easiest way to come out of it is to write, so I guess I'm going to try that again. 

The hardest part of life is the pretending. It just feels like I have to pretend to be someone I'm not to get anywhere in life. I can't be nice like I want to because nice people get ran over in life. Nice people get pushed around and used, and I've had enough of that to last a life time. I can't be the real me because the real me is considered weird, and weird people get bullied. I have a low enough self esteem without other people telling me everything I'm already telling myself. 

I just wanna be me. I just wanna be the happy, carefree girl I used to be, but that doesn't even seem like an option anymore. That me didn't know the evils of the world. That me had never experienced how cruel the world could be. That me thought that the people around me were perfect, but now I see every flaw that ruins them, and some of them are flaws that I can't forgive. The old me thought that life would work itself out, but now I just think that I'll be lucky if I don't completely screw up my life by the time I'm 30.

I just wanna be like those girls at school. I just wanna be one of those perfect girls. They believe the world is a happy place because that's all they've known. They've never seen how a parent can not love their child, and they've never seen how easy it is to hate every single thing about yourself. I used to think it was normal to feel the things I do. It's not normal, and it's not okay, but I've tried everything I can to change it. Nothing ever works, and I don't think it ever will. 

I just wanna be the me that I lost so many years ago. I just don't know where to find her.