Trigger Warning
Words I don’t mean are furiously tapped, I’m begging my thumbs to stop but they only carry on as if my pleas are nothing more then the gentle caress of wind.
I don’t intend to end everything, I don’t value him so little as to do it over a simple mishap. Still, my opposables have accepted their task greedily and will gladly tear what little is left of us to shreds.
Tears are a constant companion who refuses to leave me high and dry, literally. My mind shuts down as it has all buy blown a fuse with how hard I’m working it. My eyes drift closed but my mind now refuses to shut off, how quick it is to switching gears. My eyes and, frankly, entire body do not get this memo from my head and instead keep me perfectly still as if I’m in some sort of coma.
I
I can feel the vibrations on the bed and know he’s worried and terribly confused but my body still turns a blind eye to my wishes. I drift in and out. When I awake it’s to strange messages that my fuzzy brain flat out refuses to comprehend. I briefly think water may help the situation, at least my eyes, and wander into the bathroom.
I splash water on my face an move the mirror to better see the mess I’ve created. A flash catches my eye. I look down and blankly stared at my father’s razor. It feels as though it calls to me, similar to that of a lover’s tongue. I remember the spare, sharp, blades my father warned us kids not to touch.
The next thing I know blood is rushing down my arm. I’ve broken my promise now, I think, what’s one more? Then two turns to three and I’m on my forth when I hear rushed steps.
Checking my phone, puzzled, I see the missed calls from that of my love and my closest friend. Warning me of his impending arrival. I drop the blade and hurry to tell him not to come, leave, don’t make everything worse.
But it’s too late, I can practically feel his presence outside, bursting in. I jump to put everything back in place and attempt to gain back my composure, assure him yes I’m fine and no I don’t want to die every second, leaving out that it seems to hit harder at random moments where it becomes difficult for me to even try leaving my bed and the safe-haven of my room.
I’m frazzled beyond belief and I can’t seem to stop shaking like a frightened puppy. My composure is gone, my boyfriend has just barged into my home (even if he’s worried) and now everything I’ve tried so hard to hide or keep stable is ripped to pieces with no more thread to sew together.
Chaos, complete chaos become my new companion in the place of tears, though they don’t leave their spot at the dining table and prepare to feast upon the main course,
Me.
