I cheated.
And it was my first time
In twenty one years of living
That I've ever done something
So vile
So grotesque
Yet so sweet.
I remember the moment it happened.
At the bar.
Partying with coworkers
While my boyfriend was gone.
And maybe I was feeling lonely.
Maybe I was lacking attention
Attention that I longed for him to give me.
And maybe it was because I visited
My dear friend
Whom you remind me so much of.
The one who I couldn't get over my feelings for.
And I remember we stood in a circle
And I kissed checks in celebration.
You were the last one.
And right before I turned to face you
You had jokingly stated,
"Kiss me on the lips,"
And that's when I stopped
And I told you I would.
And we stared at each other for a while.
And it happened all in slow motion
But I remember the moment that
I leaned in
And our lips touched.
But it was just a peck, no?
We drank more, you bought me drinks.
I bought you one.
And somehow we kissed again
But this time with
More movement.
More passion.
More lust.
More frustration.
And subsequently, I could feel the loss
Of all innocence that I once had
Because my drunken self
Was high on this euphoric feeling.
This adrenaline rush of knowing
I had done something wrong,
That I broke my own morals
For a moment of fun.
And I remember the feeling
The firmness of your lips,
Compared to the soft ones I'm used to.
And how ours molded together
Over
And over
And over
And over and over and over and over
And I remember how you tugged slightly
On my lower lip
With your own
With more force than we began with.
And the feeling of your tongue
As it slipped out
Into my mouth.
I remember the feeling of our tastebuds
Rubbing past each other.
And how it felt so hot and heavy
When we continued.
I didn't mean to,
But I know I was aroused,
And I wondered if maybe you were too.
I remember being surprised at myself.
Looking around to see who noticed.
And getting cheers of approval
From the other coworkers that we came with.
And I confessed to a restroom
Full of other women
How I'd done something so wrong,
Wondering if I should be ashamed,
But I was encouraged by
Every.
Single.
One
Of
Them.
"You're still so young!"
They would say to me.
"Enjoy your life."
"Have some fun."
And it made me realize
Just how easy
Cheating can be
When you're drunk.
So I took their words to heart
And went for you again.
Because now my mind
Didn't care about my relationship.
All that mattered was this bar.
The people in this bar.
Our group.
You.
And me.
And I remember you tried to stop me.
You wanted to stop me
Because I was in a relationship.
And I tried to convince you,
I asked why it mattered,
If we'd already done it before
What difference would it make?
And amongst my speech
I noticed you biting your lips
Which made me crave them even more.
So I brought it to your attention
That people only bite their lips
Like that
The way you were biting
When they really wanted it.
So you told me
"Just one more time."
Just one more time.
And that night I remember
My shirt was drenched with spilled beer
From a coworker placing his cup
Between my breasts
Which failed to hold it in place.
And from me being all over you,
Your shirt had wet spots too.
It even showed up in photos.
But I think the scariest part
Of cheating when drunk
Is thinking,
No,
KNOWING
That I would do it again
If given the chance.
Because around you,
I feel a little happier.
And I'm dwelling on these memories
Dwelling on the feeling
Of how it felt to be connected.
And while your lips were fun
I should have remembered
That my lips
Weren't yours to kiss.
(js)
