Pressure (ON-HOLD)

Chapter 4 - Amnesia

I heard the sound of crickets. I reached my arm to the side to close my window but felt a pair of invisible hands stopping me from raising my arms. I attempted to open my eyes but felt as if my eyelids were glued shut. I wad about to yell for my mom or brother. Instead of rushing my breath out I slowed it down to a normal pace. As I slowly opened my eyes I took in my surroundings and realized I was in the shower. I moved my arms up and felt something sticky on my fingers. I looked down at my arms and saw the dried up blood. Then I realized that the past day was not a dream it was a reality. I somewhat wished that I would wake up with amnesia believe that my mom and brother were still alive. I slowly rubbed my fingers against the blood and flinched whenever I felt any pain. I got out of the shower slowly and as soon as I landed of my feet I got nauseous and ran towards the toilet. As I barfed I realized I hadn’t eaten anything since lunch yesterday. So I practically barfed my entire stomach lining the whole time. I sunk to the ground and thought back to my mom and brother. Before I broke out into sobs I looked back down at my arms and stood up. I walked to the sink and wiped my arms down until they were clean.

 I slowly made my way into my bedroom. When I turned towards the window I saw it was dark and realized I practically wasted a whole day of packing. I decided I could at least go empty my dresser. I headed towards my closet and took out one of my 4 suitcases I had. As I pulled my suitcase down I heard something drop to the ground. I looked down and realized that it was my photo album I had to make as a project for the 8th grade. I just stare at it and decide against the idea of looking at it. I pick it up and place it onto my bed and turn to my dresser. I start emptying my drawers starting from the bottom. As I escalate on my drawers I finally get to the one containing my underwear’s and bra’s. As I am emptying it I come across my secret stash of weed. At the beginning of junior year I used to go out with this guy, Liam, who had his connection to all types of drugs. When I started using I also began to cut myself. During the end of the first semester right before winter break my mom had found out. She said she would kick me out of the house if I didn’t get my act together.

“Listen Natalie this isn’t some time for you to start slipping okay? You need to pick up your grades. Do you hear me?” I looked to her and just rolled my eyes, “yeah mom I got you”. When I looked at her it seemed as if smoke was coming out of her ears, “I don’t think you really ‘got me’ I swear if you do not cut out doing these drugs I will not be afraid to kick you out”. I had looked at her stunned, “mom you wont just kick me out we both know it. You would never separate me and my squirt”. I felt tears rush to my eyes “oh I sure do plan on separating you both if you keep this act up. He looks up to you, you can’t just go and ruin your life like this and let him follow you”. I remembered I stared at my carpet as I saw tears drop and change the carpets color. I also remember hearing my mom sigh and walk out of the room. That was the day when I hid the rest of the stash and promised not to use it again. But getting rid of my drug boyfriend was mostly the major problem.

I told my now ex-boyfriend Liam the next day that I wanted to break up because I needed to change for my family. That was when everything began to go down hill. He hit me after I attempted to explain my self. He started to yell at me how I couldn’t leave him and only he would ever love me. It became the same routine everyday. I finally took action to end things only about 2-3 weeks ago. He was close to getting me to go back to drugs. I finally told him that if he didn’t let me be I would report him to the cops and get him arrested. He realized that I wasn’t lying and finally left me alone. Of course not completely, Liam still texts me every so often saying provocative things and attempting to get on my nerve. The only part I am happy about leaving this state is the fact that I will get a new phone. I only really have one friend and we are sisters so I have her number practically etched in my mind.

I looked down at the bag in my hand and realized that if I were so important to my mother she wouldn’t have just left me here all alone. I decided that since I no longer had anyone to guide me I could go back to my old habits. As people say old habits die hard. I took out my mini bong, which I had saved on the other end of the drawer and lit it up. I inhaled and exhaled repeatedly and made sure that I was facing the window. After about 15 minutes all of what I put in the stem of the bong was gone. I just stared out the window as I welcomed the old feelings, which I now knew how to control. I continued to empty my dresser as the weed wore off. I suddenly decided to look at my phone. The first thing I noticed was the 5 missed calls I had from Karina and the second thing I noticed was the time it was already 10 pm. I decided it was time to head to Karina’s house and I left my suitcase on my bed all packed and headed down stairs. As I got to the bottom of the stairs I made sure to avoid the family room and promptly walked out the front door.

After about 10 minutes I was back at Karina’s house. When I walked in I heard noise coming from the TV and walked into the living room. “Hey Karina sorry man I was just at my house putting some stuff together I lost track of time”. When I finished my sentence she jumped up and ran up to me, “I know what you mean by ‘lost track of time’ don’t forget I am your best friend”. She grabbed my arm and flipped it over when she saw the scars she gasped and started to cry, she grabbed me and basically broke all my bones. “Listen Natalie I know its rough right now but you know they wouldn’t want you to be doing this please don’t” I looked down and I heard her whisper in a low voice “please”. I looked at her and walked upstairs to her room as I opened her room door I heard her lightly sob downstairs. As I went to bed I realized the funeral was tomorrow and my dress is back at my house. I set my alarm for an hour earlier than I would wake up and then I shut my eyes.

As my alarm goes off I see Karina is awake. I get up and tell her I am going to my house to get ready since my dress is there. I make sure to make a quick exit so she does not have time to say anything. I make my way downstairs and she her parents quickly saying a “good morning” and informing them as to where I was going and that I would be back with time to drive to the church. As I walked out the house I speedily went to mine. I threw the door open and marched up stairs. I opened my window reloaded the bong and went for a round. I made sure to leave my window open even when I was done so the air could vent. I decided to take a shower so I wouldn’t have the smell on me at the church. As soon as I entered the shower my mind went back to yesterday when I was just laying here in my own blood. I attempted to push that thought away but got caught up in all thoughts of blood. My mom and brother’s blood, my blood from my own abuse, and my blood from Liam’s abuse.

When I get out of the shower I quickly exit the bathroom so my blood thoughts can go away. As I get dressed in my underwear and bra I head over to my closet to get my dress. I call it my funeral dress all black with long sleeves. I usually pair it with my what I call funeral pumps. I set down my clothes on my bed and sit myself in front of my vanity. I decide to allow my hair to air dry as it becomes wavy. I begin to put on my eye make up and quickly go against the idea of making it heavy. I finish in about 5 minutes since I decide to keep all my makeup light. I slip into my dress and shoes and turn towards the mirror. As I look at myself from head to toe I grimace. But when I look at my own eyes in the mirror and how blank they air I plainly smirk and realize my old self is back. The old self that never really spoke, never needed anyone to take care of her, and never let anyone in. The old self that was as dangerous as a grenade. Something that could be pulled without knowledge and explode without anyone getting a warning.