Autumn Leaves

Every Small Way

Singing in the shower. There are worse things to wake up to on a Monday morning. Especially when said Monday morning is first day of classes, and that's never an easy pill to swallow after so long out of that gruelling routine. Ansel's belting out a soulful performance of some German rock song by the sounds of it. Don't even try and get me to tell you the name. He vents about them all the time, but that doesn't make the names any easier to say, let alone remember. My heart leaps and I throw the sheets off me, rushing almost halfway to the bathroom door before I stop myself, realising I can't just waltz in. If it was Nick, yeah.

I turn away quickly and lean on the balls of my feet, for a few dizzying seconds wondering what I do now. Nothing else coming to mind, I drop to the floor and start sorting through my books, pulling out a folded piece of A4 paper that I had tucked into my school diary. New timetable came in over the weekend so I quickly scan over the rooms and try and remember where the hell P block is. I think it's by the science labs. That's the western half of the academy, right?

The singing comes to a crescendo, followed by a sharp yelp. After another minute, Ansel strides out in his towel, wearing an over-the-top grin.

"Someone's feeling it this morning," I note.

Ansel beams, dropping the towel when he reaches his bed, fishing for the right pair of boxers. Not a very flattering view, his ass this close to my face. I turn away.

"I'm just in the mood—you know."

"Yeah, I know. Water too cold?"

He freezes, looking at me over his shoulder with a squished face, and then his eyes widen when he catches on.

"Ah. It's a—it's a thing I do. To help me get out. The water is so nice. If I don't make it really hot I'll never leave."

I chuckle. "Smart. Oughta try it."

I stare at my timetable, taking note of each day I have J-Dog. Ansel's disappearance last night is on the tip of my tongue, but I just can't find the strength to let it out. Ansel is loving life this morning, and I don't want to kill the mood. I don't want to be that guy.

Later. Maybe tonight. Maybe it's nothing—he could have stayed in a friend's dorm, or just came back after I'd already dozed off. I shouldn't read too much in it. Yeah, that's probably it.

I don't want to die.

I shiver. I never want to hear him say those words again. I'll kill him myself if he does. Ansel deserves to outlive us all, and he will. Maybe last night is nothing, but yesterday's episode definitely was not. Sooner or later, we gotta talk. I can't afford to put that off. For now, I'll follow Nick's advice. I'll be there for him, in every small way, always promising him a smile. He needs to always know he can talk to me—trust me with anything.

I left you alone here, Ansel, and that's not fair. You needed someone, and I couldn't be that person. From now on, you just watch out. You're gonna grow sick of seeing my face everywhere. Uh, even if we only share one class.

***

"You free at lunch?"

I stare at Steph, spoon in my mouth, corn flakes teasing my tongue. I bite down and swallow, feeling all eyes on me.

"Err... Yeah. Why?"

"I'm gonna need you all lunch. And I need you to wear something nice—something you're super comfortable in, loose and liberating."

"Ooh, intrigue!" Jess grins.

Cal tears at their toasted tuna sandwich, talking with their mouthful. "She's trying to stcheal you 'om Nick. Quick, run 'ile you can."