S T A Y

A L O N E

For the first time in a long time, Karsten woke up alone. He blinked slowly, staring up at the ceiling as he took a moment to let his mind remember and catch up to his current situation, lest he cause himself any unnecessary heartache. Once he caught himself up to speed, he threw his long legs over the side of the bed and into his morning slippers. Today he would get ready alone, eat breakfast alone, and sit outside with his coffee alone. He sighed and instinctively reached a hand upwards to push away long strands of hair, but he was only met with short blonde hairs and instead raked his hand through them. For years he sported long hair, but on a whim, he'd gotten it cut. He enjoyed his hair now, but he still couldn't help wanting the past back, even though he usually reminded himself that change was good, no matter how much it might hurt.

As he rose from his bed, he avoided looking behind him. She wouldn't be there; she'd never be there ever again for as long as he lived. With short steps, he slowly made his way towards his bathroom to get ready for the day ahead. Work crossed his mind, but he'd taken a few days off, which meant he was told to take days off by his brothers. He thought he could attempt to go about it as usual, and with his statuesque face, it would certainly appear that way to everyone else. Eli, the second-born, however, knew heartbreak far better than anyone, and he knew Karsten was not okay no matter how he appeared to look. The truth was, Karsten wished he felt nothing, but he did. He was unsure what to call these feelings; they were a scrambled mess he couldn't manage to sift through, the only disorganized thing about him. 

A shower did nothing to calm his mind. If anything, it only became more rampant. Thought after thought battered against his skull and bruised his brain. Waking up was torture, it seemed, and Karsten considered going back to sleep before he decided that wouldn't help him either. He'd wake up alone again, always alone. Walking through his too large for one person home didn't help him either. He'd gotten this house for Erin and their growing family. Once, it had been thriving with love and laughter, and now it was a ghost, haunting him, and holding reminders of a better time. The last of their hybrid, Kaster, and Demonic, children left a long time ago, and Karsten had been waiting for the right moment to suggest to Erin that they make a move. He wanted something smaller and more intimate for the two of them, a place they could spend and continue to grow. Perhaps, he waited too long, and the right moment passed behind him without notice. 

Karsten's mind didn't start slowing down until after he'd eaten his breakfast and made himself a cup of black coffee. He walked outside and onto the back porch to watch the sunrise over the large lake in his backyard. He sat in his chair, embroidered with a large K, and sipped his black coffee. The chair next to him was empty, and he attempted not to glance at the large E in the middle. Strange how he could feel the aura of Erin's presence despite knowing she was not there. Karsten wondered if he would feel it for the rest of his long life and if his heart would always carry the ghost of Erin, no matter if he moved past her or not. For now, however, he wanted to avoid such reminders and, hopefully, heal himself.

Instead, he let a calm pass over him. If there was any time he needed to be level headed, it was now. Would his children understand? Would they blame him for tearing apart their family or anything rash their mother did? Karsten could only imagine what Erin would do, but he could only hope she would move on and that she understood why. He hoped they all could. He was tired of hurting her. 

He was always hurting her. 

From the moment they met, he knew he would do nothing but cause her pain. They were too different, too vastly repelling personalities who grew in two different worlds entirely.  Erin explored the world for hundreds of years before Karsten had been conceived, and he was so young when they first met, it was a wonder they even formed a friendship. They bonded over their similarities, which, truthfully, wasn't much, but somehow it worked for them. Karsten did try to stay away from her, to not form the kind of relationship that would tear himself apart and inevitably her too. However, for the first time, his feelings overtook his logic and locked it away when he was with her.  Erin didn't make him think straight, she made him feel, and Karsten had never cared for feelings, not when they made him do awful things, and the unfortunate truth was, that at the end of those violent outbursts Erin was always the one to take the most damage to try and stop him. He warned her about him. He informed her about the way his soul had been twisted and tainted by demons. Why had she bothered to stay? He supposed the most straightforward answer was love, but not even love was strong enough for all he'd done. So, why?

Karsten didn't have much time to dwell on the answer before the sound of shuffling pulled him back into reality. He turned his attention next to him, where his brother, Eli,  seated himself in the chair he visually avoided.  "Karsten," he greeted. "I'm glad to see you this morning." Karsten knew what those words meant. Eli was glad Karsten was going about his day and wasn't holding himself up in his house. Truthfully, doing that would have been much more painful. All Karsten had was to go on living like normal. "It's good to see you too." 

Eli was the poster boy for heartbreak, an unfortunate truth. Karsten was there when Eli lost the love his life a long time ago, all he had from her was a daughter, and Karsten thought that was all Eli needed, but Eli was still grieving after so many years. Many more years passed before Eli found himself someone else he could love, but that had ended too. Karsten tried to be positive, but his brother had been a literal Angel at the time, and did anyone expect an Angel and a Demon to work out? Karsten was there for his brother, then too, even when the Demon took their children and fled. A heartless and cowardly act. Eli was heartbroken, and Karsten was lucky; his children were old enough not to be stolen from him. 

"How are you, Karsten?" The question was inevitable, and Karsten did not blame his brother for asking, but he honestly dreaded such a question. 

"I don't know," Karsten answered honestly. "It is strange. I feel heartache and emptiness, yet I also feel relief and freedom." 

"You loved her," Eli replied. "But you had to let her go. You both were hurting, and you did what you thought was best for both of you." Eli paused and leaned forward, resting his elbows on his knees. "I don't want to speak for you, Karsten, but I know how hard it can be for you to speak on your emotions. I think it would be good for you to voice them, even if you don't understand them."

Karsten pondered over his brother's words. He knew Eli was correct; voicing one's feelings was important. Karsten wished he'd considered that more with Erin, instead of staying quiet in fear of hurting her. "I believe I will never love another the way I loved her, love her," Karsten spoke truthfully, knowing there was nothing he needed to keep from Eli. "I know I was hurting her, and truly, that was killing me. I have to admit, however,  she was the only being capable of keeping the demon within at bay, and without her, I fear I will begin to lose myself." 

Eli nodded as he leaned back into the chair, crossing his long legs in front of him. "You spent many years fighting before Karsten. Are you not able to fight anymore?" So many years passed with Karsten fighting his demons. Two hundred years he lived fighting himself, too fearful to let alone inside his walls. Karsten had no desire to return to the life he had left behind.

"I am not sure I want to keep fighting," he admitted. Surly, Eli could understand that. The pain of leaving Erin was already too much, and the weight of being alone was heavy to carry. Perhaps he was the coward, giving in to the whispers of his demon to escape the agony of losing his love. He was older now and had a taste of true happiness. Going back was undesirable. 

Eli reached out one hand to gently pat Karsten on the shoulder. "I understand," he said. "I suppose I should invite Matt over, hm? I don't know how much time we have with you, so I don't want to waste it." Karsten peered over at his brother, who gave him a warm smile. Karsten agreed. Karsten's demon strengthed every year and he knew it wouldn't be long before it finally took hold of him. Eli retracted his hand to grab his phone and send a message to their younger brother. Karsten's gaze fell back to the sky as he drank his coffee, seeing pictures of his love painting across the horizon.