CAN IT BE THE SAME AGAIN???

THE BEGINNING

Stupefaction. It is all that is there in me. Blankness is the only thing one can find in me at this moment as the dead body of my son, my Shubham is being laid in front of me. My senses refuse to come back to me as my legs take me forward to my son. There he is lying there, eyes closed, probably asleep. I know he would get up in a moment and take up a fight with me, like he always does.

"Nahi uthega woh." A voice inside me, pricks me. The more I try to put it off the more stronger it becomes. I feel myself kneeling down in front of my son as my lips starts quivering, "nahi uthega woh, nahi uthega woh", is all that can come out of them, I can feel something breaking inside me with each passing second. I think Swarna is crying beside me and so are others, though I am not sure. The only thing I know is my son is sleeping in front of me and shayad ab woh kabhi nahi uthega. Wait, I think I heard someone scream, maybe I should see who it is. I try my best but my eyes refuse to cooperate and remain fixed on my sleeping son.

The voices increase behind me but my mind fails to register and interpret the source of the voices. I can faintly recognise Swarna and Karthik yelling at someone but I fail to understand who it is. Maybe it is Naira, maybe she is not. Maybe I am just hallucinating. My mind isn't in a position to comprehend anything. I can't trust my mind right now.

Time goes away in a puff and my eyes which were fixed on my son try to adjust in the new encompassment which perhaps looks like my room. I think Karthik brought me here and is now helping me change my duds. I don't protest. I neither have the energy nor the intention to do it. Now I am descending the stairs or rather I should say lugged by Karthik on the way.

I get down and after sometime I feel myself loaded with something. I feel something twitch in my ears. I guess everyone is enchanting something. My legs take it as a cue to move forward. After sometime that feels like years to me, we reach a place completely alien to my eyes. I don't know what is happening around me. I think I am moving in circles and a sound that seems to be water splashing around reaches my ears. After a minute or so I am handed with something that feels like wood and I can feel the heat oozing out of it. Before I comprehend what I have to do with that thing my eyes catch something that sends chills down my spine. It's my son, lying in front of me. I find my hands trembling, my legs going weak, my soul stumped to its core. As I am about to collapse, two pairs of hold me preventing my fall. They are of Karthik's and Keerthi's. The only reasons for me to live now. They support me holding my hands and together we set our Shubham free for his journey beyond.

I don't know how and when but now I am standing in front of a house that seems to be Goenka Villa. With defeated steps I enter inside and it's when someone, I think to be Akhil drenches me with water. I also feel the presence of ma around me. I see her lips moving but my mind refuses to fathom the message she is trying to convey. "Manish... Cry... Pain... Let out.." are some of her words that reach my ears. My brain isn't in the condition to interpret anything. Helplessly I drag myself randomly and quite unexpectedly my legs take me to a place that looks familiar. A closer inspection reveals it to be my Shubham's room. As I step inside, I feel my hands latching the door behind me. I make my way to his table as my eyes dances through the rest of the room. They finally rest on a couple of video games settled down on his side table. At that moment my present becomes oblivious and memories take the charge.

"I don't know how to play those games. I have been never familiar with those", a frustrated Shubham had yelled at Luv Kush.

"Let's go Kush. We shall play those games with Karthik bhaiya after he returns. Shubham bhaiya doesn't want to play", an equally angry Luv had retorted before both of them had marched out of Shubham's room.

"Wait", Shubham had wanted to say but had stopped himself midway.

"Don't worry, they won't be angry for long", the voice had belonged to me.

"Yeah, I know."

"By the way, they are not that difficult to play if you know whom to play with", the words had escaped my mouth as I had passed those games to him.

I am sure I had seen that glimmer in his eyes and I can swear it was one of the most beautiful sights I had ever seen. Both excited and reluctant at the same time he had jumped to take hold on the entities I was passing to him.

And then we played. Seeing the excitement that Shubham had in himself I could not gather myself to win the game and as a result I had lost. But this defeat gave me more delight than triumph ever could give.
Electrified with pompous joy he had jumped towards me twirling his delicate hands around my neck and the next moment I had felt my chest colliding with his as we shared an endearing hug.

That had been one of the few heart to heart interactions we had in the past few months when he was with me. Now that he is gone and the memories start to fade in front of my eyes, I suddenly feel very weak and helpless. Without any further warning my body decides to collapse and I am stumbled to the floor. Staying there just like a living corpse, I strain my mind to think what exactly had gone wrong but as expected my mind remains stupefied defying my instructions to think.

I don't know how much time has passed as I lay motionless on the floor. A day or two might have passed. I have completely lost track of time but that's the matter of least worry at this time. Suddenly a cool gush of wind swirls around me and a pleasant voice reaches my ears.

"Papa", it was Shubham. I immediately stand up. How I want to just run and hug him right now but all I do is to stand motionless fearing that it might be a dream.

A small smile crawls on my lips as they mouth three magical letters, "you are back." 

"You know that is not possible".  What does he mean by that he is standing in front of me, speaking to me, he is definitely back or is it only me who doesn't want to think otherwise? Before I can move my lips to voice my thoughts he continues.

"You know papa I cannot return and no one not even you can bring me back. There is nothing you can do except trying to move on. You have to be strong papa for maa, for bhai, for dadi and for me".

He speaks  those words and I can sense the underlying despair beneath them.

"Papa I won't be able to see my family suffer because of me. Papa please promise me that you will prevent this family from falling apart. Promise me papa. I cannot ask this from anyone else because you are the strongest man I have ever known and I am sure this can be done only by you. Papa consider this as my last wish. Would you do that much for me?"

I can barely feel my head nodding in agreement and my lips emanating an alien voice "please don't go."

"I have to". He mouthes as he takes a step back.

I step forward to stop him but I know it is already too late. In a matter of seconds he disappears into oblivion and all I can see is blank space.

The emotions who had returned momentarily seems to evade as the blankness starts coming back. Taking a step back I feel something falling because of my hands. I take hold of the thing that had suffered a fall because of me. The thing sends a chill to my spine and a tornado of emotions is generated in my heart replacing the stupefaction.

It is a photograph taken the other day during Karthik's birthday party. A photo consisting me, Swarna, Karthik and... Shubham. It is then I realise it is the last picture of us together as one of them is no more. The first of my tears starts dripping of my eyes when I hear a loud shriek. I guess it is Swarna.  "Be strong papa. For me." Shubham's words are resonating in my mind. No I can't break. I have to be strong. Embracing the photo one last time before returning it to its place, I stand up determined. "Can it be the same again?" I ask myself as I unlatch the door and step out of the darkness though it is the only thing that is left inside me now.