vanish from my mind | shaymien

04 | anxiety

the feeling of guilt kept washing over damien, as if he'd done something wrong. and maybe he has. he didn't mean to, of course, but what he said clearly struck a chord inside of shayne.

so now, with his crumpled sheets underneath him and his pillows behind his body, he clicked on boze's contact and hit the call button. if there was anyone he could go to talk to about this kind of stuff, it was boze.

she's always been there for him. when he found out that he was bisexual, she was there, telling him that he was valid and worth everyone's time. she helped him come out to his group of friends which eventually turned into the whole school knowing. not that damien really cared. boze was just there.

no matter what's happening with him, she's there with a sympathetic smile, a helping hand, and some words of advice. she was truly a god disguised as a small brown girl who liked cursing and screaming at dogs.

she picked up after two rings, her tired voice coming through the speakers. "hey, damien."

"hi," he whispered back. his parents were asleep and he was left alone in this dark room. "what's up?"

"nothing much, dawg. you called me- what's up with you?" the tone of her voice came off like she already knew damien needed her help. she wasn't angry, but she was concerned for her best friend. damien took a breath that was slightly shaking.

"i think i, uh, fucked up with shayne. i didn't mean to! he was saying something and i tried to help but he got upset and i feel so bad." he tried to get the words out as if they were a form of poison. "i think he's angry. what if he doesn't want to hang out with me anymore? what if he thinks i'm some dumb, stupid kid? what if-"

boze cuts him off there, "damien, calm down. i honestly doubt he hates you. maybe all you did was shake him up or say something that could he slightly triggering to him. the best you can do is apologize and ask to talk about it."

"what if he doesn't want to talk to me, boze?"

"i doubt it," she scoffed, "he was looking forward to talking to you, dames. and even if he doesn't, then that's okay."

this was a lot to think about. on one hand, he could have totally messed up whatever friendship he has with shayne, but on the other it could just be a small bump in the road. the way boze was making it sound gave damien fragments of hope. maybe she was right; shayne could just have heard something that sent him into a panic. damien could always apologize and ask to talk about it so he understands.

the moonlight was filtering in through his thin curtains. it fell on the floor and gave everything a glow. the phone in the brunet's hand was growing sweaty as he clung onto it with every ounce of strength he had. his anxiety has been on a high since he dropped shayne off.

boze sighed through the phone, but it was sweet. it reminded damien that his best friend was right there, as if she was sitting right next to him. she was there to provide comfort and help him. that conflicted with his anxiety, telling him he was safe. the girl was just on the other end of the line, ready to help him.

he fumbled with the phone as he switched it to his other ear. "boze?"

"yeah?" she whispered back, and damien calmed a bit more. his fingers untensed around the phone.

"thank you for being here." his eyes stared at his door for his room. "i mean it."

she laughs softly. "don't thank me. i'm your best friend; it's not a job. you mean the world to me and you're not dumb for freaking out. you and shayne will be okay, i promise you."

"thank you."

"no, damien, thank you."

they went back into the silence, damien putting boze onto speaker as he set his phone next to his pillow and laid down. his breathing went back to normal and he wiped away any remaining tears that wanted to stay on his face.

on the other end, boze did the same thing. she put him on speaker and laid down, letting out a content yawn. "you alright now, dames? i know how hard these attacks can hit you, and you sounded on edge."

he yawned as well. "i'm okay now. you're fine with me keeping you on speaker?"

"of course, hun."

this was normal. whenever damien was on edge for an anxiety attack or in the midst of it, they stayed on speaker until the next morning. it doesn't matter when it happens; hell, there was a time when he had one in the middle of a birthday party for his niece. boze stayed on the line with him for the whole rest of the day and until the next morning.

sometimes they just shook him up so bad. she wanted to make sure he stayed safe and okay for the rest of the day. no matter what, she was his anchor and he was her best friend.

"goodnight, miss bozington."

she giggled. "goodnight, damien."

"and with that, you guys are literally the worst friends i've ever had," josh declares on monday morning, staring into his empty locker while mari and damien stands next to him. from across the hallway, boze slinks into the lady's restroom so she's not dragged into the blame. "where's all my stuff?"

damien chuckles. "depends. how bad do you want it?"

"i need it." josh's eyebrows furrow. "when were you guys even able to do this? you guys suck."

mari pokes her friend's cheek. josh frowns and slouches. "don't whine, josh. you'll have your stuff back when we feel like being generous enough!"

"yeah!" boze pops up now, ready to face josh because she sees he's not throwing a huge tantrum. she throws an arm around his shoulders as she stands on her tiptoes. "you just need to be patient joshy."

"don't call me that."

damien's laughing, but not before he looks over and spots shayne. the blond boy has a smile on his face, and he's talking to a kid damien has met before. his infamous paintbrush is twirled in his fingers and the flannel he wears today has quirky designs and is buttoned to the top.

it's weird. shayne is laughing and having a good time, when just two days ago he was super upset. then again, so was damien. maybe the boys are feeling better and damien will be able to approach him and talk about what happened.

he must have been zoning out because when boze laid her hand on his arm, he jumped. she raised an eyebrow as if asking, "you okay?" and all he could do was nod a reply.

after the group bickered some more, damien and boze headed to their first hour together while mari and josh headed different ways. he and boze had a study hall (unfortunately), so that meant she was going to ask questions.

damien plugged in his earbuds into his phone and handed one to boze when they sat at their desks. they scooted closer as damien chose a song and they relaxed in the uncomfortable seats.

when boze spoke again, she was careful with her words. "have you been able to talk to him yet?"

"no," he replied easily, shaking his head. "haven't found any time. i know what i'm going to say. i just hope he accepts my apology."

she smiled at him and rested her face in the palm of her hand. "he will."

they sat like that for the whole hour. damien thought up ways he could express his apologies and get shayne to let his own emotions out.

the brunet has never been one for half-assed apologies. the idea of not meaning words that were supposed to be sacred, like an apology, angered him; if someone told him that they were sorry and they actually weren't is enough to send him over an edge.

all he wants is to make sure shayne smiles and laughs again. shayne's laugh was already something damien wanted to hear on repeat. how cliché. the way shayne laughed- throwing his head back and how high pitched it sound- was enough to make damien smile.

songs came and went. shayne remained on the top of damien's mind. even when he tried to divert his thoughts, it all lead back to the blue eyed boy with the soft smile.