ADRONITIS (II) : tmr minho

25: I could be Falling

Leo 25

The bitter air bites against my skin. I don't mind the feeling. It reminds me I am real, and tangible, and living. My lungs rise, and fall, and even if I am alone, I don't feel empty. Hollow might describe it better. Not that there should be anything, but that there is absence.

My shoes hit the edge of the building as they dangle off the roof of the Homestead. When I first got here, I never would've done this. Even still, I can feel my heart pounding in my chest. If I lean forward, I would slip and fall. It scares me, but less than before. It's hard to see during the night since everything real and everything imaginary blends together.

I don't know why I'm feeling so weird now. We're alive, and no one is going to be banished. Perhaps I realised all my pain was for nothing. It must be that I recognize there is more to come. I will burn again. There will be no more flesh on this bone. No more shuffling along this mortal coil. The thought is frightening, but the thought is human.

I messed it up with Newt. Really, I shouldn't have kissed him. I screwed it up, and now I've lost him as a friend. Why must I always push away the people I love? First, Dawn, and now Newt.

The Med-jacks are no longer my friends. I know they did something to Ella, but Jeff won't tell me what, even though I've asked. His dark skin turned sheet white and he ran out of the room. Clint will provide no answers, as always. Not only did I fail Ella, who walks around like the phantom of a skeleton, but my colleagues have left me.

I failed Michelle too. Not just when I failed to save her banishment, but when I didn't stop the boys from locking her away again. When I told the boys there was another girl to banish for breaking the rule, I put her in danger. All to save Dawn.

Her story is no better. In loving Dawn, I have failed her. I burden myself and the other girls. All these feelings inside me make me liable. Maybe we could've treated Alby quicker if I had let her run into the Maze. If I had let her reveal her relationship, Ben would never have been able to attack her. Maybe he wouldn't even be dead right now, if I hadn't tried and failed to protect her.

So, I sit on the roof, in the cold, waiting for an answer to come to me. Maybe I'm supposed to slide just a little further along, until my legs hang vertically off the sides. The answer might come if I push myself just a little bit over.

I fail and fail and fail again. Am I the one keeping us asunder?

Some one steps behind me, and I spin around. The weight shifts me, and I feel myself sliding closer to the edge. My breath hitches in my throat. What am I doing? I could fall. I could seriously fall, and I think I might've let myself. Even still, I am so close to letting go. If I fell, would I die? Do I want to die? I know Nick did when he hit the ground, but he landed on his head. That would be a mess; do I want to be a mess? Even in death, will I continue to tax my friends?

Dawn is behind me, her hands raised carefully, as if she is standing in front of a beast that might attack her. Maybe she has always stood like this before me. Maybe she fears me.

My weight shifts, and I hear the roof panels creaking under me. My breathing increases, until it is climbing higher and higher in my throat. It is the only sound in the night air.

"Lee," Dawn begins the sentence, and retracts it, and begins again. "Lee, what are... where are... Leo, are you alright?"

I nod carefully, clinging to the edge with every muscle in my fingertips. My stomach growls and I wonder if she hears it. Does she feel my sorrow, since sometimes I feel like the Glade swims in my sadness? Most nights I sleep in my room alone. Most days I choose to not eat lunch if I can avoid it. Most mornings I struggle to peel myself out of bed. I do it though, because what other option do I have?