50 Shades in Wonderland

A Much Needed Explanation From A Simple Gardener

Once the gang had ran far enough in the tunnels, they discovered some rock formations.
"Can we take a break? I can't run that far in these heels." Condi whined, sitting down on one.
"Fine. But if Gracie'th huthband killth uth, I'm blaming you." Sollux said, sitting down with a pout.
"Yeah, what's the deal with that dude, if you don't mind us asking?" Dirk said, looking at Gracie inquisitively.
Gracie sighed and sat down on a crystal in the center of a ring of others. "Everyone sit down and I'll tell you."
"Storytime!" Sugoi exclaimed, and ran to sit in Gracie's lap, causing the girl to giggle.
The others sat either on the ground or on the other crystals, facing Gracie.
Dirk laid down in front, resting his hands on his fists and kicking his heels in a most homosexual fashion.
"Well, it all started when I was only 13 years old. I was tending my flowers when I heard a strange rustling in the bushes." Gracie began.
"Was it an axe murderer?" Vriska interrupted.
"Shut up and let her talk, you stupid whore." Nico said grumpily from across the crystal circle to the agreement of everyone else.
Vriska pouted and  opened her mouth to whine before a disapproving look from Mindfang shut her up.
"Well, I was very frightened, and clutching tight to my trusty watering can, I called out, 'Who's there?' A boy emerged from the shadows. He was skinny, and had big glasses that were falling off his head. He said his name was Elliot and he liked my singing."
"Awwwww! That's the cutest thing I've ever heard! I bet you two fucked right after!" Mindfang said.
"It's not cute, it's gross!" Kyra replied, sticking out her tongue.
"Amen, sister! Heterosexuality sucks!" Meenah said, giving Kyra a high five.
"Not just heterosexuality. All love in general." Kyra said, falling to the ground with a pout.
"Would you lot stop being grumpy gills because you can't get any fin? I want to hear the story!" Condi said.
The girls shut up.
"We talked, and became the best of friends. One day, when I was about 14, Elliot kissed me. We started dating, and then fell in love. Then, after about a year or so, he asked for my hand."
"Sis, this fucker made you cut off your hand? Then why you still got 2?" Gamzee asked, sounding very confused.
"Gamzee, sweetie, what I meant was my hand in marriage." Gracie said with a girlish laugh. "Elliot proposed, and being stupid and young, I told him yes. Next thing I knew, I was having a grand wedding. Fluttershy was my maid of honor, and I wore a beautiful white dress. But things went downhill from there. Elliot got mean. He'd hit me, force me to do things with him I didn't want to."
Here, Gracie broke down into tears. Blue sat down beside her and extended a wing, and Sugoi jumped up, startled by Gracie's loud sobs. He ran into Dirk's arms, and Dirk gave the Espurr a very tight hug. Mr. Sparkles curled up in Gracie's lap, and she stroked his furry back.
"I'm sorry." Bridget said as Condi handed her a box of tissues that she had just pulled out of her bra. "But anyways", she continued as she dotted her eyes, "things got really bad. One time, Elliot beat me half near death, destroyed my garden, and left me for Mousekeisha to eat. Somehow, distraught over the loss of my darling flowers and bleeding from many stab wounds, I made it to the Shimmering Tower, but I passed out from the blood loss halfway up the stairs. Fortunately, Prince Ephriam found me and used his magical healing powers to revive me. While I was still recovering from breaking, like, all my ribs, Prince Ephriam banished Elliot from Wonderland and rebuilt my garden bigger and better than ever before. Also, he officially gave me a divorce and a restraining order from Elliot, so he'd have no reason to bother me ever again."
"Ok, that's great and all, but if he was banished, why is he here now? Wouldn't that be illegal?" Terezi asked.
"He broke in with his new pony clique!" Gracie said.
"Ohhhh, that explains the pink pony who tried to turn Meenah and I into cupcakes!" Kat said.
"That would be Pinkamena Dian Pie, master chef when it comes to cooking anything that used to be living and Elliot's bestie for the restie." Gracie said with a shudder. "She tried to turn Sollux into honey mustard!"
"Yeah, the wath a real bitch." Sollux agreed.
"Anyways, that's the story of what happened to me and how my bitchy ex husband is basically trying to destroy the multiverse to win me back." Gracie said, standing up. "Any questions?"
"So the trouble threatening the Woods Between The Worlds, it's all because of a bitchy teenage boy?" Blue asked.
"Yup."
"Damn, I'm starting to become a radical feminist and hate men, I think." Blue said with a nod, and everyone laughed.