To my dear son,
Oedipus the King of Thebes was the a seeker of truth the prototype of a fifth century Athenian filled with intelligence, courage and rationality. Fighting against the gods and predetermined events, against destiny he was searching for the truth behind Laius death and in trying to find truth he ultimately led himself to his downfall. The only thing we are free to do is find out that truth and the truth is that we are not free to do anything because we have no free will. For every extreme there's another, the other being that the universe runs without purpose without any divine intervention and everything just runs, that there is no meaning behind events and no destiny.
What happened to me and thousands of other little girls and boys much prettier, smarter, better at sports, poor, wealthy, skinnier and fatter I like to think was for a reason, some reason that I can't ever understand but a reason nonetheless. Because why would something so terrible and devastating happen to a child? To "good" people? Yet I also believe that I and every other being in this world is capable of making choices and decisions; that we can make decisions, that we chose how to feel about certain things and whether we want to change things or settle for what we have. However our decisions impact no just us but others because we are all connected so I do believe that sometimes things happen because other people have set things in motion that ultimately affect us. We are all connected, what he chose to do affected me and what I chose to do affected you and what you do will affect someone else. It's more complicated than saying people have no free will or that the universe is absurd or maybe it's not complicated and the answer is simple.
I have to believe that there was a reason for what happened to me and those other kids because even now that I have managed after years of desperation to rise from depression just thinking that there was no reason or that a god or divine power would let that happened it's enough to drive me back into the hole I lived in for so many years. I grew up believing in God believing that there was a being who loved me and cared for me and wanted only the best for me but after my fourteenth year the God I had so faithfully believed in was nothing more than a distant memory. I can not tell you for sure if I have found God again because just like many people before and after me devastating events have cause me to question and once you began to wonder you can't really ever go back. At least not back to that same person before the worst day of your life and there will be one but there will also be a best day of your life and you won't know until you're dying like me. God, like free will, is a complicated thing. Many people grow up with God and end in a life without him while some never believe until the moment they need a being who cares unconditionally about them.
Is free will something we have or simply a delusion? Is there a Divine being who intervenes in our daily life's and knows everything or is it something we made up for comfort and to explain the inexplicable? Are we Oedipus? Searching for truth with great bravado and a heroic nature only to lead our selves to destruction and despair; to find out that in trying to move ourselves away from our destinies we only take a step closer. Have I in my search to change, in my hunt to find the reasons behind my capture only driven myself to my young death?
Millions of questions but only thousands of answers.
With Love and Regret, From Mamma
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With Love and Regret, From Mamma
Mystery / ThrillerDear Son: You've always thought of me as a sad and lonely women, a women without purpose. In truth that's all I ever was with you. You grew up, but you grew up alone and for that my dear son I'm sorry. However these letters were not written to ask...
