Lauren, September, 2015 - December, 2017
Chapter One, Can You Feel The Love Tonight?
Can you feel the love tonight was my favorite song. This song always touched me. It’s always been my favorite. It used to make me so happy, But, now I feel alone, lost, and forgotten. I’ve always felt this way through life. I get bullied most days and I've turned away from everyone I love, except my boyfriend. I’ve dealt with depression for 8 years. It all started the day that mother told me she didn’t want me anymore, and it’s just gotten worse. I don’t feel like living, and I feel very depressed. Today was no exception. School is a wreck every day.
“So, Lauren….are you going to die next week? I’ll pencil you in if you’d like.”
“How about you die tonight you worthless human.”
That’s what some students will say to me every day. It hurts me so much, but they clearly don’t care. It’s a daily thing. The school had gotten involved, but nothing was able to happen. At my counselor meetings, I just sit there and don’t really talk. Against all odds, I do have straight A’s and B’s. I don’t know how I do it anymore, but somehow I manage. Anyways… as I said, the only person who I really talk to is my boyfriend, Sam. He’s amazing. He’s always there for me. I can even wake him up at 2:15 in the morning just to talk, and he does, everything. I asked him out back freshman year of High school. He said yes, of course.
Later that evening, I stepped off the loud, noisy bus, saying goodnight, to my bus driver, Bonnie, and started the long walk up to Sam’s house. I looked around...everything...was so quiet; no wind, no kids playing in their yards. It just felt like it was me and nothing. I checked my phone. It read 4:07 PM. Usually, Sam doesn’t get home until 4:15 or 4:30. I got to Sam’s house, took out his spare house key from its secret spot, Under the mat duh...oops...not so secret anymore. I walked upstairs to our room. I have issues with my parents and they don’t really care about me. On my 7th birthday, they told me I was a mistake and didn’t care about me at all. I was crushed, confused, and worried. So…. when Sam wasn’t home one day, I asked his parents If I could with them for a while.
“Lauren...you’re more than welcome to stay here. Stay here as long as you wish. Make yourself at home,” they said. That was almost a year ago. At that time, Sam and I had been dating for a year and 7 months. We started to date April 7th of that year. I moved in on November 17th. It’s November 12th of the following year already.
I opened up the newly finished door of our room, and everything looked perfect. To the right of the door is an oak bookshelf that he got from his grandmother, next to that was a dresser, whom his father’s uncle had made. Next to the dresser is our two laptops for school. and finally next, to the window is our bed. We picked it out together….memory foam pillowtop. Next to the bed was my worst enemy in the world…. a mirror.
I looked into the mirror, with my long light brown hair, and blue eyes...and tried to force myself to smile. my light eyeshadow under my eyes made my eyes pop. I tilted my head to the right a little...and tried to smile...but, the only thing that came out..was a single tear...streaking my eyeshadow...making it streak… blurry eyed… I looked at my outfit...a black shirt with black skinny jeans with boots. Not..preppy or anything..but… it’s me. I heard the downstairs door open, and I desperately tried to wipe away my tears...but only made it worse…. I thought to myself. “What if I don’t look beautiful”? I started to cry more…
“Oh, my gosh babe are you alright?” He rushed over and hugged me.
I looked into his brown eyes...and..responded… “No… “ burying my head into his shoulder.
