The Remarried

Chapter fifteen

When we walk up to the surface, we enter a different world.

I can't believe that this is the city we left only two days ago. The streets are deserted, only walls and pavements tell us about the explosions and the battles that were fought there while we were fighting our own. Every now and then I step on a spent cartridge. There are random things scattered around, from bags with groceries to pieces of clothing and even shoes. London now smells not only of smoke, but of gunpowder and blood as well. The air is so thick it almost sticks to the palate.

I need to figure out what to do now. I have no plan, not really. I could have had my revenge, but I've given it up for honor. Victory is no longer an option, but I am not sure if it ever really was.

After running down the street for a while we come across an unlocked car. The owner even left the keys in the ignition. I can't imagine the panic that caused this mess on the streets, but I know very well that it wasn't a one-time thing. It's not over yet.

And maybe I've just made it worse.

I sit in the car and wipe the sweat off my forehead on the back of my hand. Saul looks at me and now it's him who looks like a child. "You never loved me, did you?" he asks.

I sigh deeply. "Now is not the right time to discuss that."

"I think now is the best time," he barks. "I don't even know if you're my ally or my foe!"

I can't keep the calm voice anymore. "Well, I'm sorry you thought I loved you!" I yell. "But if I were your enemy, I wouldn't have betrayed my own brother for you. I wouldn't have saved your life. If I hated you, I'd have watched you die like I had to watch my husband die."

The silence that follows is so deep that for a moment, I think that I went deaf.

"You never told me you had to watch your husband die," Saul says then, gently, like he is talking to a sick child.

"Well, I didn't really have to. I chose to stay. I wanted to spare the others the pain," I shrug. "It results that everyone just thought I was heartless."

"I think you were brave."

I can't help but smile. "Thank you."

He starts the car. We don't need to fear traffic right now. There are other things we should probably fear, but I guess that when you do things without thinking ahead, the number of fears diminishes simply because you don't have time to be afraid. "Where are we going?" he asks.

"To Senate House," I say. "I suppose that is where your father is now. And it's the only place where you'll be safe."

He stops the car abruptly and turns to me. "They'll arrest you!"

"I know," I say calmly. "But there's nowhere else to go."

"No, Lea, I won't let you..."

"I've seen it, Saul," I smile sadly. "I went through it all, except the final step. And that one won't be that hard to take. I had allowed for this possibility. I am not afraid."

"Why did you save me?" he asks. "You say you don't love me. Then why did you risk like that?"

"Love isn't the only reason to save someone," I say. "I had to stop it because it was wrong. Because you didn't deserve it. And to be honest with you, because there's no better time for honesty, even though I don't love you, I still care about you, and I respect you."

"Fine," he says and his voice shakes at the edges. "After all, they could also arrest me if they wanted. Although we meant it well."

I nod. Good intentions are all we have left to say in our defense and we're going to hell anyway... it might as well be paved.