Love hurts

August 26 2018, 1:55 am

Oof I am sad so sad boy hours
but have you guys ever just gotten scared to love anyone, to get close to them cause they can easily walk right in and it would be easier for them to walk right out, cause I feel that sometimes, sometimes I get scared to love someone who I could be devoted to to only be back stabbed and broken again.

It's fun having someone play with your heart strings and make you bend against your will. It's not fun having your emotions played with with your lover. But they were never your lover in the first place.

Your heart is made of porcelain. That porcelain is cracking over time having you cry, broken, sad. Then over time pieces chip off and fall into the endless abyss of emotions. It hits your cord and makes you take sobs and cry. It make you feel sad so the point of not wanting to get out of bed.

To just be the cliche typical sad girl. You are so sad that you look back on the memories and the photos of you two. But then you just remember.

It's fake.

Nothing he/she said was really it was fake, they never loved you. You call yourself these names like fool, stupid, careless, and idiot. Because you were blind to his/her lying. Why he/she wasn't with you.

It's not easy mending your own heart back together when it's porcelain. Your family and friends pity you. You don't want their pity. They try and say the understand how you feel but they don't. They don't know how your porcelain heart was broken and shattered on the ground. Left there...... broken.

Having siblings come and try to cheer you up. You can have everything you wanted that day to make you happy. But it wouldn't. All those kisses, cuddles, dates, sleeping. It was fake, it was acting, it was lying. It's easier to read about love stories.

They always end in a happy ending. But you feel the pain the narrator went through having their heart broken. When it's real...... it's terrifying. You don't want to end up like those movie, eating ice cream. But then you become so desperate after that you let them back in. Just to fill the void in your heart, just to feel whole again. But they leave, come back, leave, come back.

Finally you break it off. You can't deal with it anymore. But once you break it off it's real. You left the other one hurting this time and not you. Your not the one sobbing every weekend after seeing him/her with another guy/girl.

You broke the cycle of happiness, lost, crying. Repeat. You have 3 chances they say. With love in your life. 1st one is learning. 2nd is dealing. 3rd one is forever. But some do not believe in love or any of the sorts. But for that person who is lonely they look around and see cute couple.

Walking, holding hands, stealing quick kisses, kissing, wearing the others hoodie. Then you think. I wish I had strong arms holding me. I wish I had that feeling of love. I wish I was that girl. I wish I was that guy. But your heart and mind are too scared to let anyone in. Your parents and family nag to get a significant other but you know it's not anytime soon.

They want you to have kids. But what if your gay, queer, Pansexual, bisexual, anything but straight. And you like the same sex. They get made and say hurtful things which make you closed off to your family and friends. Words hurt, actions hurt, everything will hurt you. The only thing that hurts worst than that is love.

That chemical in your body that is there and makes you develop these feelings. But you dismiss them by feeding your doubt. By feeding that anxiety to finally convince yourself.

He/she does not love me.

That love will never be filled, or that hole will never be filled but filled with void, fear, anxiety. Making you doubt anyone you possibly loved. Anyone you possibly dated.

Then you once again grow desperate for that love and affection. Craving those arms and kisses. You start to imagine lips on yours creating sparks like in books. But that's only books. Yet again doubt comes and you once again back away from love.

You don't know what to do. But you wait. Sometimes you will think.

How could anyone ever love me.

Someone loves you. Someone will always love you. When you walk down the street or go shopping Or talk. Someone will see you and be thinking. What it would be like to wake up to your beautiful face in the morning. To get that love they crave as yourself.

But later on seeing these posts from random people. Posting and helping those who are lonely. Those who don't have love in their life. The reassure you. They help you.

Then you become more confident. Forgetting those who used you, who hurt you, you broke your porcelain heart. Which is not strong and better than those years. It is iron and knows when something up.

You are strong and beautiful. You are valid and loved. You are amazing and wonderful. You are adorable and loving. People love you. Family loves you. Friends love you. Your animals love you. Your online friends care and support you.

You are you and don't ever stop being you.