to all the boys ive loved before

to n.m.

n.m.,

you hurt me the most.

i still cant get you out of my head.

you were the first boy that i ever really did like,

the first boy i cried over

and the last thing on my mind when i went to bed.

it was my first class of middle school and i was sitting in the orchestra room, waiting for class to start. then you walked in and caught my attention.

when class started, my eyes couldnt help but wander to you. at the end of the first day, i realized i had you in 3/7 of my classes, and i couldn't've been more happier.

the next day in our science class, you started a conversation with me. then from there, we became close. we talked every day in class and out.

but as the year went on, you started to change. you didn't want to hang out with me anymore, and you ditched me. you slowly grew more and more popular, that you forgot that i existed until you need my help.

though it hurt me, it didn't stop me from giving up. i wish i did.

the next school year, we were almost complete strangers. We had one class together, but we sat across the room from one another.

by then you stopped texting me, and i stopped expecting you to.

you stopped smiling at me, and i stopped smiling too.

fast forward to through a whole year of not talking to each other, straight to the end. i was sitting in one of the orchestra practice rooms, playing stay by rihanna, and you walked in.

you sat next to me on the piano bench and told me to teach you.

which i did with red cheeks and stumbling speech.

but you werent listening to me, so i hand to put my hands on top of yours so you knew where to place each finger. you laughed and started to listen to me.

but when you thought i didnt notice, i saw that you werent looking at the piano keys, but at me.

youre a dork mayonnaise, 

and i loved you for it.

i left you in the practice room to get something, but when i came back, you were playing the song perfectly. you didn't see me walk in, so i pretend to not see anything.

i asked you to play for me. but you didn't even play a whole line for me. then i realized what you were doing, and blushed.

you little dork.

you said that i should teach you the whole song, then left.

i didnt know what to think about it, but we started to spend a lot more time together.

i wasnt objecting.

but just when i thought things were looking up, you started to date someone else, and that was that.

no more piano lessons, 

no more time with each other, 

no more contact.

but that was bound to happen anyways.

you moved into a different school and left us all behind.

but i still think about you, even if i shouldn't.

but that made me want to change myself. i started to eat a lot less and not focus on school. i was a huge mess for you. i wanted to look like them: the girls that you used to talk to me about. tall, slender-bodies, and long soft hair.

yet no matter how hard i tried to change myself, i was still no one to you. it was like you were on this high pedistal that i could never even imagine reaching. 

at some point i stopped starving myself and began to smile more.

it was the summer after that year when i realized that i was so young. too young to be hurting myself over a boy who barely took time out of his day to say hi to me in the hallway.

i stopped looking at myself in the mirror and automatically thinking about what i could change about myself and started looking at the good things.

if i were to see you later on, i would say one thing to you:

thank you for teaching me about my self-worth and to love myself.

i loved you n.m.,

but you made me afraid.

you were the first boy i opened up too, and you had no problem leaving in the dust. i thought the pain you were giving was love when it really was just pain.

and the sad thing is...

n.m., i still love you.

-m

ps puppy love is the worst.

pps rip im in ma feels