A Loveless Marriage

Chapter 13: Mary

The corridors of Loseley were dark and as I walked candleless, I could hear my name.  I walked on through the inky-black until the carpet beneath my bare feet turned to stone. I looked up at the ceiling which was now the moonlit sky and realised to my surprise that I was by the lake.  Not the lake at Loseley, but the lakes of Ottenmere House where I had once lived with Harriet and her family.  I heard the voice again. Daniel called my name, softly and urgently. My feet walked to where my heart was unwilling to go.  He smiled sadly, his face pale in the silver moonlight.  

     "I cannot let you go," he said.

I was as unable as I was unwilling to give an answer. Beneath me, the ground shifted as though I was on a boat.  Water snaked around my ankles and when I looked down, I saw only darkness.

    "You cannot tell me that I don't love you, that is unfair on us both," he said, his eyes never leaving mine. "Mary, just say something."

His fair hair gleamed through the dark, his face lit up like a ballroom in candlelight.  He looked so perfect.  Daniel always looked perfect, as though he had stepped out of an illustration in a romantic novel.

     "This is just a dream," I replied with a whisper.

    "How can this be a dream if we are apart?" he asked.

  I made no answer, willing myself to wake up.  I wanted not part of this dream.

    "Why am I here?" I said to myself.

    "You know why, Mary," he said. "Because this is our place and you are mine. You are always going to be mine."

    "You always had his heart," Harriet said emerging from the shadows.  "I will never be free of you."

There was a cold desperation in her words, but the hatred in her eyes burned me.  In my dreams and in my sleep, tears poured down my cheeks. I knew even now that I was hurting her.  There was a familiar scream that belonged to none of us, it wailed deep below the lake.  The water lapped against my knees, my nightgown becoming weighed down and the tide drew me closer to the dark water. As Harriet walked towards me, I stepped back and sank beneath the waves of shame. The darkness turning into a muddy green as someone dragged me towards the bottom.

***

Weeping, I lurched up in my bed, tasting the salt of my tears.  Just another nightmare, I told myself, squinting through the dark at the clock on the mantlepiece.  It was not even five o'clock.  I stumbled over to a basin of water and washed the sticky tears from my face. The coolness of the water stung my hot, swollen eyes. Haunted by feelings of shame and fear, I reluctantly sank back into my bed, scared to succomb to sleep in case I found myself back at the lake. 

After my broken sleep, I did not find it easy to rouse myself in the morning.  I remained in bed longer than I should, obstinately refusing to get dressed. 

Fred wasn't here anyway, he had insisted on going to London two days before to get his haircut, at least that is what he claimed he was doing.  I swallowed hard, I knew I had no right to be jealous, I had told him to entertain himself with mistresses as long as he did not parade them in front of me and yet, somehow I felt betrayed.   

I looked up at the ornate plaster ceiling and sighed.  Today, I could not pretend to have a headache, I would have to get out of bed sometime before our guests arrived.  I had not wanted a house party, the idea of hosting Fred's rowdy crowd of friends for the weekend while they sniped and scrutinised was not my idea of enjoyment, but Fred had insisted.  It was what people expected and for all his dislike of the restrictions of society, Fred all top readily conformed to expectations.